I suppose i should say i'm sorry...

[Also posted on Facebook]
To two people.
I won't say who.
They don't even know.
Will they ever?
I have no idea.
This is it.
This is me getting over it.
I...detested two people.
They didn't know.
It made me a scary person to be around.
Now today, sitting in study hall, i realized:

I'm a horrible person

I don't know quite what i should do with myself right now.

The one girl.
The one i had ongoing hate for
For a long time.
About a year now.
I've talked to her ONCE.
In my life.
When i was in 8th grade.
At the uni dome sitting with the
High school band.
That was it.
I liked her from that day.
Honestly, she was [and still is] adorable.
I wish i could be friends with her,
But people tell me it is impossible.
So i continue to hate.
I always say i will try to be her friend..
But then i see her and this unexplained hate
Builds up inside of me.
Oh well...soon it will be over.
I think she hated me first.
But i won't judge.
The matter isn't that important,
It was a mutal matter for our hate.
I just wish things could be different...

The other girl...
A recent yet unexplained hate.
She....didn't like me for hanging out with someone.
It sounds worse when i can't say who or what.
I think.
So i decided to hate her for thinking i was in the wrong.
What gives her the right?
No, what gives ME the right?
Let's back up.
Girl #2-
She and i shared an evening of fun.
And a silly bathroom story.
I never talked to her after that
Night with our friends.
Except for once or twice.
I liked her.
She even once said she considered me a
Friend.
Wow, and now i hate her?
But, we were never close.
So the point is...i feel bad.
Mostly for #2.
She and i still could be friends,
If i quit being a betch.
It's the truth...

I wish nothing would have happened.
They were both caused by one thing
That i'm not backing down on.
This is a crappy apology,
But more than that,
It's me trying to help the
Monster within me,
That many of you have heard of
Or seen or felt the rath of,
Dying.

I never used to be a bad person...
I promise.
But...i don't want to call
People who aren't
Actualy 'whores' whores anymore.
People who aren't nice to me names anymore.
I use to fight people for casually calling
People they didn't like bad names.
Now i've become that person.
I don't want to use hate either.
It's too strong.
I know i'll slip up.
I know i'll be the same person...
I'm just sorry i am who i am and
I'm seriously hating myself now.

I wrongfully called out girl #2.
I overheard a conversation about her
In study hall.
I heard the truth.
And...i was wrong.
I feel bad.
I don't like this.
I wish it were a playground,
And we could make-up
By letting you go first down the slide
Or by me pushing you on the swings.
It's not.
My life will forever change.
I've become a so-to-speak
"Mean Girl".

And if i could, i'd say sorry.
But why?
I'll only be mean again.
And i know it's terrible,
But it's me.
I can't change,
But i feel so bad.
It hurts.
This anger just by seeing a
PICTURE of #1.



And slowly, this moster
Will devour me whole.
And it will be a sad day.
For me.
And the rest of you will go on
With your lives.
I ache for peace.
But i appear to be controlled
By an inner deamon.
And no, i'm not blaming any ONE
Or any THING.
Just myself.

That is all.