Conflictions.

My first confliction.
I never talk to you only because i'm busy.

My second confliction.
I don't want you talking to him.
You had someone, then you moved to Canada.
Don't change boys.
Don't throw yourself at him.
Don't deny it, either.
And don't ever flirt with him.
He only wants to hang out with you for
One reason, and i'm sure it's to mess up your life.

My third conflicion.
I want to go to the party this weekend, but ironicly,
Kim will be home this weekend, and she's friends with
These people, too.
AKA, i will not be in attendence.
She's already sold on going.
WHY THE HELL CAN'T I LIVE MY OWN LIFE.
I DON'T WANT TO NOT BE ALBE TO DO THINGS BECAUSE IT'S HER
"FRIENDS". They're mine, too, jerk.

My fourth confliction.
I feel like sometimes i'm not liked my people,
Or people use me for friendly convience.
And it hurts, because last-to-know things
And always making efforts.
Not a sole will call me to ask to hang out, ever.
I don't enjoy this. Do i change myself?

My fifth confliction.
Why do you have a second life?
Are the CF people that great,
Or is there something you get to do with them
That's so great?
You're here 24/7 in Wavetown,
But you're BFFs with a bunch of CF people.
And you're starting to get moody.
Don't tell me to be happy then get pissed off.

My sixth confliction.
You are like my sister.
But you told me you like him.

My seventh confliction.
I like him too.
I love Ajz, and i can't live without him,
But i still get nervous around him.
I told you today, and you're ok.
I think.
I'd rather you than some like him,
But, i'd rather not be selfish.
My head says i need to be just friends.
But he makes me stomach do flips.
It's...bad.
This is a true confliction.
You used to act like you liked me.
Now, i don't see it.
But, i can't stop talking to you. :)

My eighth confliction.
You need to stop doing that stuff.
Period.
Too many people do it that i know.
It's, not bad besides the illegal part,
I just worry.
And, that's that.

My ninth confliction.
What do i do about all of this?

='(

Yesterday, my mom asked if i wanted to go
With her and kim down a day early to move kim in.
Some friends were throwing a party for Andrew
And i wanted to go. really bad.
So my mom said since andrew was going down the same day,
I could stay for the party and go to southern iowa
With andrew!
It was fun, but the drive was B-O-R-I-N-G.
But i had him. :)
I got to see his college, i moved him in, and
Though Billy P is very Ghetto, i approved lol.
Then he drove me the 20 minutes to Central
But right before i got out of the car,
My eyes started tearing up. :\
He told me it was ok and that i'd see him this weekend,
And that he loved me and we've already done this once,
So it should be easy. it still wasn't.
Then i got to see kim and her realllly nice dorm.
Then i went home with my mom, and haven't done much since.
I'm hoping to have fun tomorrow if things go as planned.
Then one more day then school. :( it's kinda sad.
I'm not ready to be a junior...

Well...

For one, i don't go to people for help.
NEVER have. always run. even from my mom.
Second, i never shot down you and Sam.
I don't care, i was just off that night and
Just saying he's a flirt.
I don't have feeling for Sam. and probably haven't for
A Long Time.
I think you should go for it. i just wanted you to know.
Maybe i should keep my mouth shut. :(

I don't want school to come.

Now, for a rant of sorts:
Is it right to have seen you at the party
and gotten jelous because you were with all those CF girls. And, this crush should go away by now, but it doesn't. and i don't think about you until i see you. then you're there, not talking to me, being yourself. so whatever. you're just nice. and...i'm over it. because i don't cry over you every night. because you're not leaving for college saturday.
my sister, and my boyfriend.
i shared some laughs with her the other day, and it almost, almost felt like before high school. when we use to share everything.....it hurts.
and him, leaving again, oh joy.
and i have nothing more to say right now.

100th post. (i think)

Moods of the past 24 hours,
-Do i even like him anymore?
-This is crazy.
-What was the deer doing?
-Yes, i do love him.
-This was an awesome day.
-How did things change in 1 minute? Did i miss something here???
-Did we just have a fight? WHAT HAPPEEND?..
-Is he still in love with me?
-Am i being a mega-betch?
-This movie relates to my life! I have to fight, and fight i will because i now know that i cannot live without him.
-Will he pick up the phone?
-Did john really call or did he just not wanna see me?
-SARAH PICK UP YOUR FREAKIN PHONE.
-It was nice seeing CJ.
-Can i get a break, emotions? I don't wanna be weird anymore! Let me be normal!
-WHERE IS BRIANNE?!?!?!?! i need to confer with you about this! :(
-Can someone be too in love with you and vice versa?
-Would i really do that?
-Why did i say that?
-Is that our whole issue? Do i seem superficial?
-If i did that stuff would things be alright?
-Am i selling myself short?
-Am i too inlove with him?
-I hate it when you only shed two tears, because you know you have a dam to let out but someone fixed your leak. i needed to cry. Shedding two tears is that worst possible outcome. Now i'm so scared a tree frog pissed me off.
-I have tree frogs.
-WHAT DID I JUST TOUCH?!??!?
-Why is there a tree frog on the floor?
-WHY IS IT JUMPING ACROSS THE ROOM!
-WHY ISN'T MY MOM PICKING UP?!?!!?
-Don't judge me for freaking out. about a frog.
-DID IT JUST PEE ON KIMS NEW FRIDGE?!?!?! shhhhhhh
-GET OUT OF THE BUCKET STUPID FROG!
-Shall i hack her computer to type all of this?
-Scott Pilgrim vs. the World is an AMAZING movie.
-Can we forget this? That isn't how i really feel, i just said it for no reason.
-Can we talk? of course not.

Lastly,
-Who is he? :P

Incase you didn't know, those were in order. pretty much. sorry for use of names. i don't care right now, andi just had to get this into words. boy, i need help. last year i didn't want him to go. this year idk. is it because he said we might have to take a break so he can experience life and college though we'd still talk and hang? and not look for others but not be pressured? naw, i think it's because it's not that i want him to go, i just forget how close school is and how we made it last year. if i'm gonna be a betch though then he won't want me. tonight i realized i need him. i don't want him to go, but for some reason i can't show it. i swear to god i don't wanna change. come back, life from a few months ago. i miss you. even 1 month ago. Why can't i show my love anymore? I think he really loves me now but i'm shutting down like a train wreck. i need answers. i need him. i need friends. i've always been able to live without friends, not a neccessity like my sister, i could go without, just prefered with. but now i need them. now i can't go without. i need to attention. i need to contact and conversation. i'm changing and i don't like it. what's wrong with me? am i gonna become some bitch now? i don't want that. just a few weeks ago i KNEW that if i ended up with him in a few years and 2 rings later, i'd be happy. now, i'm pissing him and myself off. G-R-E-A-T. NOT. i neeed something. But you can't help. this is...so...confusing i don't want this. now i'm rambling. just like nathaniel would. i don't even want him anymore. I truly do love andrew. heart and sole. so that the FUCK am i going to do about it? i dream about being the best, then i turn from medeocrity to SUCKY. :( i'm crushedhurtfuckedupandinpainwhilebeingpissedoff. greaaat. goodnight. i hope i can get that cry out tonight. then be the great girlfriend he deserves.

=D

So last night after the whole performance,
You seemed like you were having a good time. :)
It was nice, and i didn't rush off because i didn't
Want to see you, i just didn't wanna die. :P
But im glad something was fun for you. :)
But seriously, racing the storm home,
Not fun. :P
A normal night at 7 PM yesterday,
But by 7:45 we were seeing lightening,
Though i blew it off as heat lightening.
BECAUSE IT WAS HELLA HOTTTT OUTT. :P
Then, the cloud began gettign darker.
And everyone BUT Vowels KNEW we shouldn't be out there.
Finally, it was darkening by the minute, and we had to perform.
I was just hoping it was wasn't going to rain!
It didn't, and we all quickely left,
And i raced it home. At some points, i was barely under it,
There was no wind, no rain, but it looked really really
CREEPY out :(
I made it and it started it,
Meaning CJ was prolly still driving. :(
THE DEATHCLOUD HAS RETURNED! :)
Then there was hella lightening, and it was bad.
I'm sure you know what's up with the storm from there. :\
But...seeing you happy was nice. :)

.

It's not your fault and i wasn't excited to see her.
I just can't mix you with them.
It's hard. Do you understand that?
I don't wanna fight...that's dumb.
Lets just hang out sometime.
And you know i've invited you to hang out, quite a bit.
I've never invite them places like i do you, i just see them.
I have lots of friends, i like talking and having fun.
There must be something good between us, or else we wouldn't be friends.
Think about it.
I'm not mad, and i hope you aren't either..
That would make me sad.
I think we just need to be less awkward around eachother. :P

Fun

I guess the fair was ataully a lot of fun.
I try to not ditch people for her, but she's just fun.
And that's all. It's not my fault.
I wouldn't ditch you for her, don't even worry.
Though i am going to her thing tonight...
But anyway.
Summers gone by way to fast.
It seems just 2 weeks ago i was sleeping in every day
Because it was June.
Not the case.
Two weeks ago i was at camp.
But the fair, it was awesome.
I love BMP, JT, and HM. :)
But trust me, hanging out with CJ, RAL, and MS was still epic.
I don't have much to say, i just wanna see everyone
Before it's over. You know, a last hurrah?
Shall i host a par-tay?
Maybe.
But, you know, then there's that one thing.

*I DON'T HAVE A SINGLE FRIEND THAT DOESN'T HAVE OR EVEN
DISLIKE A DIFFERENT FRIEND THAT I HAVE.*

And it bothers me that i have to keep remembering who hates who.
Because i like everyone.
So a party may be out-of-the-question.
Because it would be a big circle of hate.
Thanks, self, for making good friends. :\

But on another note, i talked to Nataniel, and he's happy.
That's all that matters, right?

Though i think i need to fix the crush i have on an 8th grader,
And stop thinking about the other boy who may have liked me.
I'm pretty sure he just thinks we're freinds.
And it's all weird again, because all i think about are boys,
When i'm happily in love with this other boy... <3

OK then.

1) camp was good. more info later.
2) i'm still tired. i slept 40 minutes late today because
for the first time in my life, i slept through my alarm. :(
3) i wasn't reading them, i was busy. i did though.
4) a lot of people don't like her, and as you can tell,
i got for underdogs as friends. not being cruel, just saying
i don't judge. as much. as some. but...she's in my sections,
it's too easy to slip in with her. and her ways.
5) i am still your friend, but everythings been so gosh dang busy,
can i have one minutes for myself? i'm so tired..never have i been
so tired in my life. even during ap season i was well rested. D:<
6) i'm rambling...and that word just reminded me of nathaniel. greaaaaaaaat.
7) over the course of the summer, at least 3 guys who have graduated have
stalked/talked to me out of nowhere, saying i was cute and they wanted to see me.
why? i don't even know. i never thought i was cute. whatever. only..they're
a nice change of pace, to hear good words...so easy to...
8) i love andrew.
9) i'm the kind of person who has friends but can go for a long time
without seeing them and fall right back into place...inside jokes, hugs,
talks, and remember everything. you're a good friend, i just...and acting wierd.
i'm sorry that its like this. school will change things. just, follow me
around tomorrow and i'll remember. i am sorry. i am a bad friend, i'm just
happy to have you. many things would be worse without you, and i would say
that friend wise i love you a fair ammount. :) oh good, i'm crying. :'(
10) why does he always hug me? why do i return them? why is he so cute?
and why isn't this crush going away? they usually leave by now. i'm afraid.
i can't see myself without ajz, so why do i think i need HIM. for 3+ months.
and he's so nice, but, then there are times i don't think he likes me.
but then i think i do. :(
11) apparently, someone who i thought was just 'nice' is a reall creep. :(
12) i've sold 14 band cards in 2 days. thank you drunk people and cat guy. :)
13) i'm off to bed. lets hope i can shake this sorry butttttttttt outta bed
in the morning! good night all! <3