Nathaniel Dream

SO.
I dreamed of *him* again last night...
And NOT ajz, either.
...
I am over him.
My subconscience...is dumb.
It was nice though.
Listen up.

**********

First off
We were eating lunch.
Me and my friends.
No nathaniel.
I threw a water bottle
At a boy...idk who.
Its foggy.
And so he was going to beat me up.
So i ran off to tell my friends.
And i ran into him.
I wanted to tell him
So i wouldn't be hurt.
But he was...laughing and
Looking in pain.
So i asked what was up.
He said something.
[Bear in mind he is sad a lot.]
He said a professor had killed himself.
"Someone who taught my age is dead".
So i gave him a really big hug.
Suicide is NEVER the answer.

[it becomes blurry here....]

Then he was with all of his friends
And he showed someone his phone.
He said something about
How the background pic
Was of me.
"I want to show you this
Because her and i have a thing now."
From somewhere else someone yells
"What about AJZ?"
"Who?" -N

Then it swithches to me in
The locker room.
Running around yelling
PROFANITIES.
WHY DOES HE LIKE ME?
I LOVE AJZ!

You see, even in my subconscience...
AJZ wins my heart.
{Taylor Swift}
It's a love story
Baby just say yes.
Yes, AJZ all the way.

Even now, as i IM nathaniel.
He imed me.
He wants to see me tomorrow.
I'll have to BS my way through it.
I won't ever do something
That looks like i'm cheating
On AJZ.
Cuz {Hellogoodbye}
Oh, it is love
From the first,
Time i set my eyes upon
You, thinking Oh, is it love. :)

But, listen to the ending our convo.
As i BS my way out, saying i'm tired.
And yes, i am "the fantab cookie"

** "The Fantab Cookie" [9:50 P.M.]: i'm gonna go to bed soon.
"The Fantab Cookie" [9:50 P.M.]: i guess call me tomorrow sometime lol
"Nathaniel" [9:51 P.M.]: oh ok.
"Nathaniel" [9:51 P.M.]: missyou
"The Fantab Cookie" [9:51 P.M.]: sorry. i is tired. :|
"Nathaniel" [9:51 P.M.]: if you must :(
"The Fantab Cookie" [9:51 P.M.]: i'll talk to you tomorrow. :)
"Nathaniel" [9:51 P.M.]: you better **

But, i <3 AJZ.
And all of you.
So..imma go call AJZ.
ttyl all!
G'night...

Grr.

So.
On the night of
November 25-26,
I dreamed of AJZ.
Last night...i dreamed
Of nathaniel...
No, i am over him.
He needs me so much.
Last night...this morning
I guess...at
3 am, he called me
And left a voicemail.
He mumbles a lot.
He thanked me for
Reminding him of
Something yesterday...
You see...
He needs me so much.
I just....
Have you ever needed
To push something away
That needed you to stay alive?
It's so complicated.
I truley don't
Have feelings for him
Anymore.
I love ajz.
It appears that he needs me though.
So, i will be there for him.
I guess...

9 Months.

So.
Today is 9 months.
39 weeks.
3/4 of a year.
And GobbleGobble day. :P
Happy Thanksgiving all!
He leaves at 3.
I'll be with family all day.

Also...nathaniel
Call last night...
He needed someone.
Just so everyone who
Matters knows.
Yeah.

But...Family...FOOD.
Today's going to be good.
:DDDDDDDDD
Cuz i have family.
He won't be bored at college.
And maybe Nathaniel won't be lonely.

I love you all, btw. <333

Well then...

So. last night.
It wasn't my fault.
He's never really online
So i IMed nathaniel.
And yes, i am over him.
He appears to need me
More than i need him.
I do miss him
But if i never saw him in my
Life again...
I'd be ok.
He seems really sad
And i want to help...
I hope he'll be ok.
I'm a caring person, ok?
When i think of him, i don't feel
Anything at all.
Then...this morning...
4:37 AM...
He texted me.
Asking me if i enjoyed him.
And why.
He was feeling bad again,
And wondering if people
Really liked him.
Of course people like him!
I wish he wouldn't doubt...

Maybe he'll come hang out
With him and some friends today.
You know, get in the holiday spirit.
Did i mention he's home?


BUT.
Tomorrow.
Thanksgiving.
Thursday.
The 26.
Is 9 months.
Exactly 39 weeks.
He'll be in Las Vegas.
For a bowling tournament.
=((
BUT.
He has to pay for college somehow.
And i saw him last weekend.
Sadly, only the bowlers are still on campus
Because they have practice.
And the Caf. is closed...
And he's bored ALL day.
And i miss him.
BUT.
It's ok.
Because.
It is love.

And as for nathaniel.
He seems so distant..
I hope he's ok...
BUT
Happy Thanksgiving. <3

¿Verdad?

So. it means *really* in spanish.
I let him go. ~<3~ helped me with it.
And, yesterday, he facebooks me.
"Blah, cute one, blah"
Really? i feel nothing but saddness
For him.
Nathaniel.
I mean...i am just so over him.
I'm not even hiding feelings for him.
I don't get that rush anymore when i think
When i talk
When i am near
To him.
So whatever!
Go smoke your pot.
teehee, i've let him go.
He needs me more than i need him.
He's the one who keeps coming back,
He must have actually liked me.
But was too afraid of the age thing.
I laugh at him now. :P
But...we're still friends.
No harms there. :)

And, i drove a car today.
AND I SURVIVED! :DDD
I drove for an hour.
My mom actaully was ok.
We drove in the HS parking lot
For like 20 minutes.
Then the residential areas.
Then HIGHWAY.
Then i parked it at Hyvee.
:DDD

And he was back this weekend.
I doubt i can see him today tho....:(

And i saw new moon.
It was good.
Jasper Whitlock Hale had lines...
*swoon* <3
:P

Whoa.

So.
As We the Kings said:

"Sleep well
Tucked tight
Make sure you hide the night
This was for the best
Stay out
Of sight
Fled the scene of the crime
To avoid an arrest
We will brawl for the cause
That's all we've got
No matter the cost
We're singing
Whoa-oh
Whoa-ah-o
Whoa-oh
Whoa-ah-o
Oh, no, no, no
Beggars and thieves
Is what we had to be
Un-invited guests
Shake this disease
They'll quarantine this street
But color me impressed
We will brawl for the cause
That's all we've got
No matter the cost
We're singing
Whoa-oh
Whoa-ah-oh
Whoa-oh
Whoa-ah-oh
Whoa-oh
Whoa-ah-oh
Oh, no, no, no
Whoa-oh
Whoa-ah-oh
Whoa-oh
Whoa-ah-oh
Oh, no, no, no
I know we won't get caught
But if we do
we'll say we never knew
This is our chance to lose it
Whoa-oh
Whoa-ah-oh
Whoa-oh
Whoa-ah-oh
Whoa-oh
Whoa-ah-oh
Oh, no
Whoa-oh
Whoa-ah-oh
Whoa-oh
Whoa-ah-oh, no..."

Life is...Whoa, right now.
And who would have thought?
I'm all over the place,
Crying all the time.
Getting mad at people,
Crying some more,
And...nothing's even..
Wrong.
I'm sorry i hit, get mad,
And other things.
I'm sorry i cry a lot.
Today, my dad took me driving...
I don't want to discuss it but,
I came home and cried.
And i don't want to drive anymore.
I want to move to NY and take taxis everywhere.
I swear.
And i'm not 'running away' from it.
Honestly. i just...don't like
To go fast.
So, why am i dating him? lol.
And, i just...
Too much friend drama.
No offense.
Gosh...i can't do this.
It's just...whoa.

Catch Up.

Here's how it is:
~<3~ helped me a lot...
I deleted those textes from
Him almost a year ago.
And... it did feel good.
Thanks, a lot.
I was a dumb freshman
With a huge crush
On a...not so good guy.
And...i can't remember if
People told me it was bad but
I wish someone could have shaken me
And said "He's just not worth the tears."
But, it's ok.
Because now i have him. :)
And, i have to say, when i was
In love with him, nathaniel, last year,
How was i suppose to know i was dumb?
Is what i'm doing now dumb?
I do love him, so i doubt it.
But if it is...shake me by the shoulders.
I will resist, but upon
Cogitation of the matter,
I will probably agree with you.

Musical was fun.
I loved it.
For the most part.
Is there much else i have to say?

I cried a lot this weekend.
Because my mom wouldn't let me see
Ajz a lot.
Ohh well.
There is always the future. :)

That is all i have to say.
Now you're all caught up,
On my silly little life. <3

ps: RAL: that girl...who makes your heart stop...
Is it me? that's a dumb question, but now i want to know.
Or is it still your gf? that would make sense too, lol.
And i won't loose sight of my love.
And...the yogurt thing was funny. XD btw.

Strawberry Yogurt.

So, it's good stuff, seriously. XD
But life right now...is also good.
I don't honestly konw...
I have so much i could say right now...
I figured it out, actaully.
I have anger issues.
But...Lately,
My means of expression have become
One thing, to hate her/it/_ _ _ _ _.
I don't really hate her.
She doesn't really hate me.
I just use her as a ways to vent
My pent up anger.
It's not her fault.
If it would have been flipped
Story wise, i wouldn't want someone to
Hate me for talking to a friend.
I'm sorry to her, not that she knows
Of any of it.
And, i use to take my anger out
Any way i could on myself.
Bad grades, every thing i did wrong
Which is why i had low self-esteem.
Then, i got other ways
And i recently became really happy.
I stoped 'hatin' on my self'
And felt better.
But on the inside,
Hating her turned me into a monster!
So i'll use other methods of expression
Even if it means i'm mean.
I don't want to be a moster.
But, Strawberry Yogurt is...good.
And...ajz is coming back for the...4 week in a row.
I feel spoiled. :D
And..Musical...
It's gonna be a good weekend.
Supposedly Nathanial is coming back.
When he was in my living room
At the Halloween Party....
Why did my heart stop?
Is it the 'first true love thing?'
Or, is it just him?
But...again....yogurt...and...him...and...her...and...a year since i was OBSESSED with him...a whole year...and...he still stops my heart...still tears me up...still does all that crap...and i still like ajz...and...yogurt.