So.
REALLY FAST RECAP:
Rung in the new year in bush gardens with some
OHIO BOYS...:P
Home.
School.
NATHANIEL OBSESSION.
Winterfest.
Ajz-enters scene.
He's been a friend since
Florida trip.
NATHANIEL OBSESSION over.
Ajz...we date.
blah blah blah...
School...
I got a new BFF! {CJ}
First Kiss..<3 [April 18]
First I Love You.
Prom.
SUMMER!
Ajz everyday.
LOVE.
Friends.
School starts.
College starts/6 months [same day.]
School.
Blah, Blah, Blah.
We're still together.
...blah blah blah...
2010?
What?
Wow, this year flew by. ;)
Don't feel bad if i didn't mention you...
It was a FAST recap lol...
I luffs alls ya'll!
Ajz and i are great. duh. :P
I thought i had a lot to say...
I will have new years
Resolutions or whatever lol,
On in 2010.
BUT...
I want to not get mad as much
I want to not get jealous.
I want to see my friends.
I want to be happy.
I want to live...love...laugh.
I want you guys as my friends! :)
Please have a safe and happy New Years!
Ajz and i won't get that movie-star
Kiss at new years lol...
He's babysitting...
...
Ok, house sitting lol.
He needs the money..
Sit in a house and don't let the kids burn it down. :P
IMMA GO TO A DANCE!!!! W00T!
SAMMY D!
And if _ _ _ _ _ is there...
Well....i have connections to the DJ.
JUST KIDDING.
I don't care...whatever lol...
She isn't important.
LOL.
I'm in a good mood...
Now i'm off ot continue reading
**AP** before i call CJ.
We gonna par-tay.
And RAL can haz dance?
Possibly.
PS: I got my hair cut...'tis short!
OMG!
Gosh i am random...sorry.
HAPPY NEW YEAR!
2010...<3
31.12.09
26.12.09
It's not suppose to be like this...
SO.
I give him everything.
My heart, my love, everything.
Somehow, he takes more than that.
He takes my dignity.
He talks to _ _ _ _ _ still.
He calls her cute.
He talks to her, a lot.
It really bothers me.
A LOT.
Why?
If he loves me like he claims,
Aren't i all i need?
Am i jealous?
YES I AM.
It isn't fair....
I can't be her,
But i think i'm better for him.
I have NEVER made him drop out of high school.
I have NEVER made him cry.
I have NEVER made him so mad he beat his locker up.
I have never done that one thing they did that i can't tell you all because i shouldn't even know and no it's not THAT thing...
I have ONLY love him and made him feel good.
Why does he still talk to her?
I feel like he loves her more sometimes...
And i hate it.
But i cannot escape it.
On the other hand...
Nathaniel won't leave me alone.
He wants me to go see avatar.
I'd feel like i was cheating if i did that.
I will NOT fight fire with fire.
I will tell you,
It is why i started to talk to him
Back then when i said we were talking.
Maybe ajz would get jealous.
Then i remembered when ajz said he didn't trust Nathaniel.
I don't want to hurt ajz.
Because then i'm no better than _ _ _ _ _.
If i married ajz, i would be happy.
I would rush through college and the best years
Of my life, to marry him so he is mine.
I don't want heartbreak.
I just want him.
I want him forever.
What happened?
Am i just too jealous?
It's not like i tell him not to,
I don't order him around.
I never will, but...
It's not suppose to be like this...
ps: happy 10 months...ajz...
pss: merry late christmas...
I give him everything.
My heart, my love, everything.
Somehow, he takes more than that.
He takes my dignity.
He talks to _ _ _ _ _ still.
He calls her cute.
He talks to her, a lot.
It really bothers me.
A LOT.
Why?
If he loves me like he claims,
Aren't i all i need?
Am i jealous?
YES I AM.
It isn't fair....
I can't be her,
But i think i'm better for him.
I have NEVER made him drop out of high school.
I have NEVER made him cry.
I have NEVER made him so mad he beat his locker up.
I have never done that one thing they did that i can't tell you all because i shouldn't even know and no it's not THAT thing...
I have ONLY love him and made him feel good.
Why does he still talk to her?
I feel like he loves her more sometimes...
And i hate it.
But i cannot escape it.
On the other hand...
Nathaniel won't leave me alone.
He wants me to go see avatar.
I'd feel like i was cheating if i did that.
I will NOT fight fire with fire.
I will tell you,
It is why i started to talk to him
Back then when i said we were talking.
Maybe ajz would get jealous.
Then i remembered when ajz said he didn't trust Nathaniel.
I don't want to hurt ajz.
Because then i'm no better than _ _ _ _ _.
If i married ajz, i would be happy.
I would rush through college and the best years
Of my life, to marry him so he is mine.
I don't want heartbreak.
I just want him.
I want him forever.
What happened?
Am i just too jealous?
It's not like i tell him not to,
I don't order him around.
I never will, but...
It's not suppose to be like this...
ps: happy 10 months...ajz...
pss: merry late christmas...
22.12.09
Why Am I So Dumb?
So.
It seems that everytime
I want to do something
Fun, especially with ajz,
I mess it up.
The other night,
He got home around 8:30,
And we were suppose to go out to eat,
But i was dumb and said
That i didn't want to because
It was too late.
I then proceeded to cry.
Long into the night,
As he had been home for 3 days
And i haden't seen him yet. :(
Then tonight.
He was at work, and i was
Down there for practice.
He was bowling so i
...
...
Didn't say goodbye.
And now i regret it
SO MUCH.
I miss him.
I thought he would get off early.
But, he's working until 11.
And he didn't reply to my text...
Is he mad?
I hate this.
I'm always so dumb.
I DIDN'T SAY GOODBYE!
I didn't even get a hug today.
Or say 3 words to him.
I HATE THIS.
I hate everything when
I'm not with him.
I want to be with him all the time.
But...i can't.
I'm so dumb.
It isn't fair...
Why don't i think
Before i piss off people?
Or leave?
Or say things?
Or think?
Or breathe...?
...
On a lighter note,
I'm better at bowling...
It seems that everytime
I want to do something
Fun, especially with ajz,
I mess it up.
The other night,
He got home around 8:30,
And we were suppose to go out to eat,
But i was dumb and said
That i didn't want to because
It was too late.
I then proceeded to cry.
Long into the night,
As he had been home for 3 days
And i haden't seen him yet. :(
Then tonight.
He was at work, and i was
Down there for practice.
He was bowling so i
...
...
Didn't say goodbye.
And now i regret it
SO MUCH.
I miss him.
I thought he would get off early.
But, he's working until 11.
And he didn't reply to my text...
Is he mad?
I hate this.
I'm always so dumb.
I DIDN'T SAY GOODBYE!
I didn't even get a hug today.
Or say 3 words to him.
I HATE THIS.
I hate everything when
I'm not with him.
I want to be with him all the time.
But...i can't.
I'm so dumb.
It isn't fair...
Why don't i think
Before i piss off people?
Or leave?
Or say things?
Or think?
Or breathe...?
...
On a lighter note,
I'm better at bowling...
15.12.09
I Feel Good.
I let her go.
REALLY let her go.
I feel nothing but hate for her.
And i don't mind people liking her.
If you're friends, its ok.
I FEEL SOO GOOD!
And, i wanted you to know this all.
I am honestly free and i LOVE it.
I KNOW that we will never be friends.
LOVE IT.
And, yeah.
Life is good.
Tomorrow AJZ is home. :)
Im jealous a lot....and i
Never thought i would get that
Way lol, but it's ok.
He wouldn't do anything wrong.
Who wants to hang for
Break? Call me!
I love you all!
Have a good day!
REALLY let her go.
I feel nothing but hate for her.
And i don't mind people liking her.
If you're friends, its ok.
I FEEL SOO GOOD!
And, i wanted you to know this all.
I am honestly free and i LOVE it.
I KNOW that we will never be friends.
LOVE IT.
And, yeah.
Life is good.
Tomorrow AJZ is home. :)
Im jealous a lot....and i
Never thought i would get that
Way lol, but it's ok.
He wouldn't do anything wrong.
Who wants to hang for
Break? Call me!
I love you all!
Have a good day!
14.12.09
I'm Effing Done With _ _ _ _ _.
So.
I'm done.
I was finally just like
Whatever about _ _ _ _ _.
UNTIL today.
>=(
Listen up, you people who think she's nice:
Today, I'm having a good day.
A little tired, but good.
And after school, I walked Nolan Baker to his
Locker, which ironically 2 down from _ _ _ _ _.
Now, I'm NOT in the way, there is a locker between us.
But, as I nicely am talking to Nolan, she COUGHS.
COUGHS for a whole MINUTE.
Every time, looking dead straight back at me.
The person she was talking to asked
"Do you have a frog in your thought?"
Hahahaha. I wish.
I didn't do a thing.
I was TEMPTED to punch her in the face and ask
"Do you have a fucking problem?"
But…I was nice.
Ha, yeah, I was nice to her about making fun of me.
HAHAHAHA.
I swear, I'm going mad.
Eff you who think she's nice.
Eff you who think I'm overreacting.
That's what went down.
Make of it what you will.
I'm done.
I don't care about her.
I will never feel another feeling for that girl
UNLESS it is hate.
But, for AJZ's sake, I won't hate.
I will feel nothing.
Not a drop of care.
For her, with the retarded blue hair.
And yes, this is what I think.
SHE HAS NEVER SAID A WORD TO ME IN MY LIFE.
I consider this to be our first conversation.
We got off to a BAD start.
Efffffffffffffffffff.
Ps: I may not be using the computer for a while….
Depending on how mad my mother is….
The phone bill….
I got scammed
AKA there's a $10 charge on it.
I think.
I hope not….
pss: thanks cj. <33
I wont do nutin' lol but thanks for having my back.
I'll back you in jville to lol! waverly people are SCARY! :P
I'm done.
I was finally just like
Whatever about _ _ _ _ _.
UNTIL today.
>=(
Listen up, you people who think she's nice:
Today, I'm having a good day.
A little tired, but good.
And after school, I walked Nolan Baker to his
Locker, which ironically 2 down from _ _ _ _ _.
Now, I'm NOT in the way, there is a locker between us.
But, as I nicely am talking to Nolan, she COUGHS.
COUGHS for a whole MINUTE.
Every time, looking dead straight back at me.
The person she was talking to asked
"Do you have a frog in your thought?"
Hahahaha. I wish.
I didn't do a thing.
I was TEMPTED to punch her in the face and ask
"Do you have a fucking problem?"
But…I was nice.
Ha, yeah, I was nice to her about making fun of me.
HAHAHAHA.
I swear, I'm going mad.
Eff you who think she's nice.
Eff you who think I'm overreacting.
That's what went down.
Make of it what you will.
I'm done.
I don't care about her.
I will never feel another feeling for that girl
UNLESS it is hate.
But, for AJZ's sake, I won't hate.
I will feel nothing.
Not a drop of care.
For her, with the retarded blue hair.
And yes, this is what I think.
SHE HAS NEVER SAID A WORD TO ME IN MY LIFE.
I consider this to be our first conversation.
We got off to a BAD start.
Efffffffffffffffffff.
Ps: I may not be using the computer for a while….
Depending on how mad my mother is….
The phone bill….
I got scammed
AKA there's a $10 charge on it.
I think.
I hope not….
pss: thanks cj. <33
I wont do nutin' lol but thanks for having my back.
I'll back you in jville to lol! waverly people are SCARY! :P
11.12.09
GRR {Dream}
SOOOOO.
I was So over Fracking
_ _ _ _ _.
Then.
The other night.
I had a dream.
AJZ was coming home.
And he likes to speed.
So i dreamt that
He died going too fast
On the Snow and Ice.
I became really
Depressed.
And i went to school the
Next day.
And *b*slapped _ _ _ _ _
Across the face.
And yelled profanities at her
For 5 minutes.
Saying i didn't care anymore
Because he wasn't here.
And i came home and blogged.
Being super sad and depressed.
In essence: Super-sad-emo-depressive.
Saying my own sister didn't like him.
And one friend didn't like him because he
COLORED on her COLORING book page and wouldn't let it go.
I thought i was ok with _ _ _ _ _.
I thought my anger was gone.
Now, when i see her, my heart races.
I panic. i'm scared.
I want to cry in the corner.
I don't want this.
WHAT THE HECK IS WRONG WITH ME?!??!
I DIDN'T ASK FOR THIS.
I SWEAR, IF I COULD MAKE HER
NEVER EXIST, I WOULDN'T BE
SCREWED UP.
BUT I PROLLY STILL WOULD GET MAD AT SOMEONE.
...
...
My friends...don't hate me. [RAL]
Please..i never act.
I'm scared.
No one will protect me.
AJZ likes her.
She won't hurt me, i know.
But...what if i hurt her?
I won't, i swear.
But...i'm so scared.
I LIVE IN CONSTANT FEAR.
...
...
Help me.
Save me.
Love me.
CARE
I was So over Fracking
_ _ _ _ _.
Then.
The other night.
I had a dream.
AJZ was coming home.
And he likes to speed.
So i dreamt that
He died going too fast
On the Snow and Ice.
I became really
Depressed.
And i went to school the
Next day.
And *b*slapped _ _ _ _ _
Across the face.
And yelled profanities at her
For 5 minutes.
Saying i didn't care anymore
Because he wasn't here.
And i came home and blogged.
Being super sad and depressed.
In essence: Super-sad-emo-depressive.
Saying my own sister didn't like him.
And one friend didn't like him because he
COLORED on her COLORING book page and wouldn't let it go.
I thought i was ok with _ _ _ _ _.
I thought my anger was gone.
Now, when i see her, my heart races.
I panic. i'm scared.
I want to cry in the corner.
I don't want this.
WHAT THE HECK IS WRONG WITH ME?!??!
I DIDN'T ASK FOR THIS.
I SWEAR, IF I COULD MAKE HER
NEVER EXIST, I WOULDN'T BE
SCREWED UP.
BUT I PROLLY STILL WOULD GET MAD AT SOMEONE.
...
...
My friends...don't hate me. [RAL]
Please..i never act.
I'm scared.
No one will protect me.
AJZ likes her.
She won't hurt me, i know.
But...what if i hurt her?
I won't, i swear.
But...i'm so scared.
I LIVE IN CONSTANT FEAR.
...
...
Help me.
Save me.
Love me.
CARE
5.12.09
Phone Tag
So.
I Be Playin' Me Some Phone Tag With RAL.
Haha sorry.
So heres the deal.
Why do i talk about Nathaniel?
Irony.
[~<3~ did i spell that right?]
A year ago, i'd have done ANYTHING to be with him.
ANYTHING. yeaaaah.
My "AGE" was a problem.
Have i filed for rape yet?
Nope.
And ajz is 3 yrs. and 10 months older than i.
Ha.
Haha.
You SEE...
Now Nathaniel likes me.
I think.
Or needs me.
Or something.
And...if i were to just talk
About Nathaniel,
People would get suspicious.
They would think i wasn't over him.
I don't care.
But...he keeps poping up in my life.
When it's more inconvient.
Or rather, when i've forgotten him.
That is why i continue to talk
About the guy who isn't here.
About the guy who isn't mine.
About the guy who hurts himself.
That is why.
And as far as _ _ _ _ _ goes
[Thanks for using those letters lol!]
She is just another person i pass in the halls.
I don't care.
And she doesn't.
I really don't feel
Bad, mad, scared, or anything
When i see her.
She is just another face
At Wave-town High.
And about last night at pep band.
If anyone saw me upset...
I had some issues with ajz.
His friend, the gay one,
Told me about his life.
What i didn't know.
No, no, it's ok.
We've worked it out.
Nothings changed.
Ajz is just an exagerator, says he.
The friend of ajz.
Please don't change opinions,
You don't know, and you all won't.
Prolly.
Nothings wrong.
I get to see Ajz soon.
This coming weekend.
:D
And as for Phone Tag Boy.
I read your comment.
I just called to talk.
Laugh. Out. Loud. ;)
We do need to hang more.
And i'm interested in what
Dream snipets were of me.
In your post... :P
And as for pheonix
{did i spell it right?}
Thanks for today.
Sorry lance and justin were
Show-offs lol.
I had fun.
Ps all who read:
the friend of Ajz said to me this:
Stay happy.
<3333
I Be Playin' Me Some Phone Tag With RAL.
Haha sorry.
So heres the deal.
Why do i talk about Nathaniel?
Irony.
[~<3~ did i spell that right?]
A year ago, i'd have done ANYTHING to be with him.
ANYTHING. yeaaaah.
My "AGE" was a problem.
Have i filed for rape yet?
Nope.
And ajz is 3 yrs. and 10 months older than i.
Ha.
Haha.
You SEE...
Now Nathaniel likes me.
I think.
Or needs me.
Or something.
And...if i were to just talk
About Nathaniel,
People would get suspicious.
They would think i wasn't over him.
I don't care.
But...he keeps poping up in my life.
When it's more inconvient.
Or rather, when i've forgotten him.
That is why i continue to talk
About the guy who isn't here.
About the guy who isn't mine.
About the guy who hurts himself.
That is why.
And as far as _ _ _ _ _ goes
[Thanks for using those letters lol!]
She is just another person i pass in the halls.
I don't care.
And she doesn't.
I really don't feel
Bad, mad, scared, or anything
When i see her.
She is just another face
At Wave-town High.
And about last night at pep band.
If anyone saw me upset...
I had some issues with ajz.
His friend, the gay one,
Told me about his life.
What i didn't know.
No, no, it's ok.
We've worked it out.
Nothings changed.
Ajz is just an exagerator, says he.
The friend of ajz.
Please don't change opinions,
You don't know, and you all won't.
Prolly.
Nothings wrong.
I get to see Ajz soon.
This coming weekend.
:D
And as for Phone Tag Boy.
I read your comment.
I just called to talk.
Laugh. Out. Loud. ;)
We do need to hang more.
And i'm interested in what
Dream snipets were of me.
In your post... :P
And as for pheonix
{did i spell it right?}
Thanks for today.
Sorry lance and justin were
Show-offs lol.
I had fun.
Ps all who read:
the friend of Ajz said to me this:
Stay happy.
<3333
1.12.09
Smile If Ya Wanna.
So.
Happy friggen Deciembre ya'll.
I don't know...
How i feel.
Today in the bandroom,
_ _ _ _ _ was there.
But..while i was walking in
And she was walking out,
I gave a half smile
I think she looked away.
Or at a friend.
I'm not scared anymore.
So that's good.
Just...it's almost weird.
I don't act different when
She's around.
But i'd rather not be near her.
For it's so ingraned into my
Head to be scared.
But..i'm not.
And, as always.
Nathanial.
Nathaniel.
Idk how i always spell it.
But, he's back to college
And won't talk to me anymore.
He's so...really?
I mean...it's fine but if he
Appears to need me so much
When he's home, then
Is fine at college...
I'm so GLAD i'm over that boy.
:P
Ohh....looked who i'm talking to now?
Mr. Nathaniel himself.
He's so sad so much.
And i'm in such a weird mood.
i don't know...
Friends don't tell me enough...
I don't share enough...
I feel distant...
Confused...
Cold...
A touch pissy (thats another story)...
The moon is out.
And school only was over
An hour ago....
And...school is going SO fast.
This is the fastest part.
Between Thanksgiving & Christmas.
Wow...life's ok though.
I'm still dreaming, but i don't remember.
Why do we do that?
Dream out things only to forget..
I don't understand.
It's that time where everyone becomes
Confused.
Distant.
Scared.
Alone.
Not again.
Not this year.
Last year i was all "Nathaniel".
Well, no more.
Pues, no mas. :)
Please tell me things.
Please love me.
Please care about me.
Please...don't forget me.
I..need..you..all..right..now..
Happy friggen Deciembre ya'll.
I don't know...
How i feel.
Today in the bandroom,
_ _ _ _ _ was there.
But..while i was walking in
And she was walking out,
I gave a half smile
I think she looked away.
Or at a friend.
I'm not scared anymore.
So that's good.
Just...it's almost weird.
I don't act different when
She's around.
But i'd rather not be near her.
For it's so ingraned into my
Head to be scared.
But..i'm not.
And, as always.
Nathanial.
Nathaniel.
Idk how i always spell it.
But, he's back to college
And won't talk to me anymore.
He's so...really?
I mean...it's fine but if he
Appears to need me so much
When he's home, then
Is fine at college...
I'm so GLAD i'm over that boy.
:P
Ohh....looked who i'm talking to now?
Mr. Nathaniel himself.
He's so sad so much.
And i'm in such a weird mood.
i don't know...
Friends don't tell me enough...
I don't share enough...
I feel distant...
Confused...
Cold...
A touch pissy (thats another story)...
The moon is out.
And school only was over
An hour ago....
And...school is going SO fast.
This is the fastest part.
Between Thanksgiving & Christmas.
Wow...life's ok though.
I'm still dreaming, but i don't remember.
Why do we do that?
Dream out things only to forget..
I don't understand.
It's that time where everyone becomes
Confused.
Distant.
Scared.
Alone.
Not again.
Not this year.
Last year i was all "Nathaniel".
Well, no more.
Pues, no mas. :)
Please tell me things.
Please love me.
Please care about me.
Please...don't forget me.
I..need..you..all..right..now..
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