I miss it.
Our relationship.
It was perfect.
He'd do anything for me.
Drive anywhere to get me,
Buy me food and gifts.
He always wanted to hang out.
Spent so much money one me.
The only problem is he wasn't perfect.
I still might believe he was perfect for me
But he was not a very good person.
I just put blinders on.
Blinders of love.
I don't really like a specific guy either.
I'm so wishywashy right now.
I got yelled at for THINKING of sending a text.
To levi.
He said he was going back to Utah forever.
So i wanted to text him and say i liked him.
SAN thought it was mean and is still mad about it.
Good thing i didn't send it
And for the record i wouldn't, either.
But he's back. His parents re-kicked him out.
He's moved on so it wasn't bad anyway.
Whatever.
I'm in an irritable mood again.
Not sure.
I just. Now that i'm not with Ajz 24/7
I need my friends.
But nobody ever can hang out. or wants to.
And i just want to hang out with everyone.
But i can feel friendship circles changing too.
My best friend for years is getting mad at me a lot.
Is it because guys like me and i turn them down
Or pretend to mess with them?
Because i'm not mean and i'm not a whore.
This is who i am.
Sorry i'm not good enough all of a sudden.
And.
That's how i feel right now. :\
30.11.10
22.11.10
I can feel it in the air.
They're just like we use to be.
Down to a freakin T.
And flaunting it in my face.
Ok, not intentionally.
Lets...start at the very begining.
I've heard it's a very good place to start. xP
There is this boy on the bowling team.
He's a senior.
He never talks to me. He scares me a little.
He's a little bigger, but it works for him.
He's friends with ajz.
He wears shorts all year round.
Brown hair/eyes.
Good at bowling.
Now, just who does this remind you of?
There's a girl.
She's a freshman.
Shoulder length brown/blonde hair.
Braces. Nice. In band.
Apparently, these two are dating.
Did i mention he works at the bowling alley too?
Today, he's working during my lesson.
She was after me.
While she's talking to our coach,
He comes up and lightly kicks her from behind.
She turns around and smiles.
i KNOW the two of us would have done that.
It was so cute.
It was so us.
Everything. About. It.
And, it makes me miss him.
Not the whole... 'him' aspect.
But having him and doing that wiht him,
And that's how i've been feeling lately.
And that's all.
First Bowling meet tomorrow! Eek!
Down to a freakin T.
And flaunting it in my face.
Ok, not intentionally.
Lets...start at the very begining.
I've heard it's a very good place to start. xP
There is this boy on the bowling team.
He's a senior.
He never talks to me. He scares me a little.
He's a little bigger, but it works for him.
He's friends with ajz.
He wears shorts all year round.
Brown hair/eyes.
Good at bowling.
Now, just who does this remind you of?
There's a girl.
She's a freshman.
Shoulder length brown/blonde hair.
Braces. Nice. In band.
Apparently, these two are dating.
Did i mention he works at the bowling alley too?
Today, he's working during my lesson.
She was after me.
While she's talking to our coach,
He comes up and lightly kicks her from behind.
She turns around and smiles.
i KNOW the two of us would have done that.
It was so cute.
It was so us.
Everything. About. It.
And, it makes me miss him.
Not the whole... 'him' aspect.
But having him and doing that wiht him,
And that's how i've been feeling lately.
And that's all.
First Bowling meet tomorrow! Eek!
20.11.10
Yeah.
I waited in line for the Harry Potter Seven
Permiere. It was COLD.
But fun.
I mean, i only did it for something to do.
And to see my friends.
Which was good. Very good times.
I went again tonight.
Caught a lot more info this time around.
I'm very tired.
But. I've had a couple good last weeks.
Today. I saw Ajz. He was at bowling practice.
He gave me the hug i offered when i saw him,
And we joked a bit.
But, he never said goodbye.
And. It made me sad.
I...thought he might talk to me more.
And now i'm all confused again.
I hate boys.
They're so confusing.
Whatever.
I don't ever feel like talking to people anymore.
At least, not the people i use to.
Nobody's ever around.
But these new people.
They invite me to their houses.
They call me when they're standed and babysitting.
They make me feel better when i'm in horrid moods.
They listen and understand.
And whether they're shiny new toys,
I can't help but be drawn in, too.
And i'm sorry.
I'm still trying to balance everything though.
Tonight was fun.
But for now, i just need more sleep.
Right after some SNL...
Permiere. It was COLD.
But fun.
I mean, i only did it for something to do.
And to see my friends.
Which was good. Very good times.
I went again tonight.
Caught a lot more info this time around.
I'm very tired.
But. I've had a couple good last weeks.
Today. I saw Ajz. He was at bowling practice.
He gave me the hug i offered when i saw him,
And we joked a bit.
But, he never said goodbye.
And. It made me sad.
I...thought he might talk to me more.
And now i'm all confused again.
I hate boys.
They're so confusing.
Whatever.
I don't ever feel like talking to people anymore.
At least, not the people i use to.
Nobody's ever around.
But these new people.
They invite me to their houses.
They call me when they're standed and babysitting.
They make me feel better when i'm in horrid moods.
They listen and understand.
And whether they're shiny new toys,
I can't help but be drawn in, too.
And i'm sorry.
I'm still trying to balance everything though.
Tonight was fun.
But for now, i just need more sleep.
Right after some SNL...
11.11.10
No sleep. Too much sleep.
During musical i ended up crazy
And sleep deprived.
Yesterday, i took an hour long nap and
Got 9 hours of sleep.
Today, i felt sick and went home.
I got 2 hours of sleep off and on.
I'm feeling good now.
So, yeah. :)
There's something i'm keeping from everyone.
His name.
Screw all boys in all previous posts.
Did i mention saturday when i was with my sister
We went to the house at UNI where BJS
Lives? to pick up a friend.
I texted him, and he was an hour away somewhere.
I wanted to see him, and though it's not his fault,
That's the last straw.
I can't waste my time on a college boy.
He doesn't want me anymore. :\
There's...someone new.
I mean, new on my radar.
He's a sophomore.
And TALL. :P
While i was at the last musical cast party,
He was up on stage dancing alone,
Cuz he's got that sorta confidence.
A slow song came on,
'Cinderella' By steven curtis chapman.
It must have been in 3/4, because he pointed to me
And said 'I need a waltzing buddy'.
ME.
We talk little, he's super nice though.
He's in orquestra.
And we, with everyone watching,
Danced the whole song alone. :)
He's graceful for his height.
And he asked if i was going to the orquestra waltz.
I said i already had a dress. :)
He. I. We have no classes together.
Today, he was in study hall, and i walked past, and he smiled.
HIM SMILING made me smile.
He may have been being nice.
We'll never knew.
I just. i wish i knew.
He's nice to everyone.
And i'm not wanting to get hurt.
But, i like him.
But i shan't say more 'till i know.
But, i thought if you took the time to read this,
You deserved to know.
I like someone. :)
Someone who doesn't know i like them.
And bam.
The tables have turned. ;)
Let's hope he's not one who
Turns everyone down, too.
And sleep deprived.
Yesterday, i took an hour long nap and
Got 9 hours of sleep.
Today, i felt sick and went home.
I got 2 hours of sleep off and on.
I'm feeling good now.
So, yeah. :)
There's something i'm keeping from everyone.
His name.
Screw all boys in all previous posts.
Did i mention saturday when i was with my sister
We went to the house at UNI where BJS
Lives? to pick up a friend.
I texted him, and he was an hour away somewhere.
I wanted to see him, and though it's not his fault,
That's the last straw.
I can't waste my time on a college boy.
He doesn't want me anymore. :\
There's...someone new.
I mean, new on my radar.
He's a sophomore.
And TALL. :P
While i was at the last musical cast party,
He was up on stage dancing alone,
Cuz he's got that sorta confidence.
A slow song came on,
'Cinderella' By steven curtis chapman.
It must have been in 3/4, because he pointed to me
And said 'I need a waltzing buddy'.
ME.
We talk little, he's super nice though.
He's in orquestra.
And we, with everyone watching,
Danced the whole song alone. :)
He's graceful for his height.
And he asked if i was going to the orquestra waltz.
I said i already had a dress. :)
He. I. We have no classes together.
Today, he was in study hall, and i walked past, and he smiled.
HIM SMILING made me smile.
He may have been being nice.
We'll never knew.
I just. i wish i knew.
He's nice to everyone.
And i'm not wanting to get hurt.
But, i like him.
But i shan't say more 'till i know.
But, i thought if you took the time to read this,
You deserved to know.
I like someone. :)
Someone who doesn't know i like them.
And bam.
The tables have turned. ;)
Let's hope he's not one who
Turns everyone down, too.
7.11.10
Well. What a day.
Boys. boys. boys.
I sorta told Levi no last night.
It was hard, so maybe i'll
Say more on that later.
He likes me, but i don't want that.
Andrew? Doesn't talk to me.
I'm sorta over that.
You idiot. :P
Keaton? Freshman.
He keeps calling me his best friend.
So that's ALL i'll be with him, ok?
I'm allowed to have friends.
Mychal? Sorta stopped texting all the time.
Thankfully, because he's annoying.
Nathanial? That's not his name but still.
He put his head on my shoulder back in freshman
Year during the first cast party.
On the first cast party this year,
Some freshmen (previous mention) did the same to ME.
I texted him and ever since we've sorta been talking.
He's slow to respond but that's just him.
He needs friends, and i've always been there for him.
Even if he makes horrible choices, i'll still be there.
It's just too easy to say that though, when he lives
2.5 hours away. :\
Luke Jones? Stalking, for sure. I'm over that.
He's...nice. but sometimes is weird.
Last night, my car broke.
The Ghetto car is out of order currently :\
I parked it to let a freshman out last night
After the cast party, got in, drive,
CLUNK
And it wouldn't go forward.
I tried to put it into park, and it sputtered.
I shut off the car.
Got out.
Looked under it, and there wasn't anything there.
Turned the car back on, Drive, and same.
Park? still makes noises.
Thankfully, the freshman's father knows cars.
While i waited for my mom, he looked at it.
Something about a gear shift falling off/breaking
And my car sorta endlessly in 'drive', aka
It can't park one wheel because it's detached.
My car, even in 'park' is shovable.
So i took my stuff, pulled the E brake,
And left my baby in a side street.
I love my car, and i'd do anything for it.
It's small, and i love that.
I'm really encouraging to it.
And though i push it sometimes,
I still reward it. :)
I feel a connection to it.
I mean, it understands me.
It allows me to eat pop tarts and drive it.
It has problems, but so do i.
We are one, in a sense.
Even with a broken door, it's my baby.
Until we fix it, i get to drive my dad's
BOAT CAR. It's a bonneville and it's HUGE.
VERY roomy in the back lol. 4 doors. leather seats.
A sun roof, but it's huge, and i can't do that very well.
My dad will be driving our truck, but that think overheats.
I'm gracious,but still. :\
Kim's home.
She INVITED me to hang out WITH HER AND HER FRIENDS
Yesterday, so i took up the offer.
She must really miss me. :)
Can't say the feekings mutual,
But i'm not in a different place.
I still have mom and dad and friends.
And, i do miss her, a little, i guess.
She got her ears pierced. :) I was there. <3
Today's the last Cinderella,
I'll reflect over musical as a whole later. :)
I sorta told Levi no last night.
It was hard, so maybe i'll
Say more on that later.
He likes me, but i don't want that.
Andrew? Doesn't talk to me.
I'm sorta over that.
You idiot. :P
Keaton? Freshman.
He keeps calling me his best friend.
So that's ALL i'll be with him, ok?
I'm allowed to have friends.
Mychal? Sorta stopped texting all the time.
Thankfully, because he's annoying.
Nathanial? That's not his name but still.
He put his head on my shoulder back in freshman
Year during the first cast party.
On the first cast party this year,
Some freshmen (previous mention) did the same to ME.
I texted him and ever since we've sorta been talking.
He's slow to respond but that's just him.
He needs friends, and i've always been there for him.
Even if he makes horrible choices, i'll still be there.
It's just too easy to say that though, when he lives
2.5 hours away. :\
Luke Jones? Stalking, for sure. I'm over that.
He's...nice. but sometimes is weird.
Last night, my car broke.
The Ghetto car is out of order currently :\
I parked it to let a freshman out last night
After the cast party, got in, drive,
CLUNK
And it wouldn't go forward.
I tried to put it into park, and it sputtered.
I shut off the car.
Got out.
Looked under it, and there wasn't anything there.
Turned the car back on, Drive, and same.
Park? still makes noises.
Thankfully, the freshman's father knows cars.
While i waited for my mom, he looked at it.
Something about a gear shift falling off/breaking
And my car sorta endlessly in 'drive', aka
It can't park one wheel because it's detached.
My car, even in 'park' is shovable.
So i took my stuff, pulled the E brake,
And left my baby in a side street.
I love my car, and i'd do anything for it.
It's small, and i love that.
I'm really encouraging to it.
And though i push it sometimes,
I still reward it. :)
I feel a connection to it.
I mean, it understands me.
It allows me to eat pop tarts and drive it.
It has problems, but so do i.
We are one, in a sense.
Even with a broken door, it's my baby.
Until we fix it, i get to drive my dad's
BOAT CAR. It's a bonneville and it's HUGE.
VERY roomy in the back lol. 4 doors. leather seats.
A sun roof, but it's huge, and i can't do that very well.
My dad will be driving our truck, but that think overheats.
I'm gracious,but still. :\
Kim's home.
She INVITED me to hang out WITH HER AND HER FRIENDS
Yesterday, so i took up the offer.
She must really miss me. :)
Can't say the feekings mutual,
But i'm not in a different place.
I still have mom and dad and friends.
And, i do miss her, a little, i guess.
She got her ears pierced. :) I was there. <3
Today's the last Cinderella,
I'll reflect over musical as a whole later. :)
5.11.10
A Day in the Life
I run, hide, and bump into painful things to avoid you.
You're nice sometiems.
Other's you're creepy.
I don't konw how to feel.
Everyone is yelling at me to stop talking to you.
But you have no friends.
And i'm trying to be nice.
I walk past you like i don't know you.
Is this really what you wanted?
Well i can't do anything right now anyway.
I have zero free time.
Can we hang out sometime though?
I miss you and i think we should.
Musical raped me in so many ways,
But it's tonight, tomorrow, and sunday.
You should 1) Come
And 2) Hang out with me sometime this coming week
Since i won't be busy anymore. :)
PS: Sorry... <3
MUSICAL IS TONIGHT!
I love being a ninja,
But i'll miss it dearly.
And seeing some lovely people
I raraly talk to every day. :)
And cute little freshmen are nice. :D
Guys need to stop being so nice to me.
Then again, maybe i should stop
'Drawing attention to myself'. :\
This is who i am? Why does my personality
Fuck me up every day?
Why can't i ever be a normal girl?
I just hate all of this.
I try to be me but i end up pissing of everyone.
I'm so done with guys.
The one a like must have forgotten i existed.
The other one is frowned apon.
And others are just too creepy.
Oh, did i mention that just because guys like me
(Who, might i add, are all sorta weird)
One of my friends is mad at me?
Sorry that i attract the weird ones.
Sorry i never get what i want either but i end
Up looking like a spoiled brat anyway.
And who am i, anyway?
Who is this person i pretend to be everyday?
The facade i so eagerly fall into?
Happy, and nice?
I'm a stuck up drama queen and a bitch.
I don't know who i am.
I have to real friends i tell everything too.
The only ones i thought i had are leaving me.
And these new ones don't have time for me.
No one cares for real. No ones wants to hang out.
I throw parties but am the awkward kid in the corner.
Stop dictating my life. You don't know me.
Truth is? I don't know me.
I'm way to tired to care, and way to sad to care.
I just can't seem to be perfect for anybody.
Here i am thinking we're friends,
Then you go an insult me but think
I already knew i was this way.
I didn't. it hurts.
Thanks for pointing out my flaws.
And don't even get me started on just WHO i like.
Cuz everyone would raise hell.
I can't do anything right.
I just hide behind my happy mask when you ask
"Are you ok?"
I saw first hand today i'm not.
I blew up infront of the whole class
Over something so small.
I hate going to school.
I have to avoid people.
Not be a bitch.
I don't think before i do anything
And it always ends badly.
I piss off people,
And say the stupidest shit ever.
I embarass myself constantly,
And i'm overall too nice somehow
On top of this, to turn down a guy.
He's nice, but everyone says to back off.
I just, hate all these things.
And you'll all ask if i'm ok after reading this.
And i'll saw i'm fine.
And you'll ask who i like and we'll
Have playful banter and i'll be 'happy'.
And you'll assume i'm fine and life will go on.
As it should.
Infact, in an hour i'll be happily with be friends
At the musical. I'm so fake.
I freakin hate myself.
I'm so vain.
I think i'm the shit.
I'm so not. i should just stop trying.
In everything.
Nothings working out.
And yes, this is be being a giant queen bitch
Drama Queen.
So everyone who actaully read this can konw that i'm actally
Fine. This is just how i get my 'attention'.
I'm sorry i wasted your time.
I'll stop whinning now and go be productive.
Because venting this way makes me happy.
Yes, being a bitch makes me happy.
So whatever if you don't think this is sound logic.
I'm fine now.
And i know you're confused.
But my head works 100 x faster than my fingers.
I've already sorted todays problems out while writing this.
So, thanks blogger. For being there for me when i needed something
To listen to me vent.
Goodnight, and please come to the muscial this weekend! <3
You're nice sometiems.
Other's you're creepy.
I don't konw how to feel.
Everyone is yelling at me to stop talking to you.
But you have no friends.
And i'm trying to be nice.
I walk past you like i don't know you.
Is this really what you wanted?
Well i can't do anything right now anyway.
I have zero free time.
Can we hang out sometime though?
I miss you and i think we should.
Musical raped me in so many ways,
But it's tonight, tomorrow, and sunday.
You should 1) Come
And 2) Hang out with me sometime this coming week
Since i won't be busy anymore. :)
PS: Sorry... <3
MUSICAL IS TONIGHT!
I love being a ninja,
But i'll miss it dearly.
And seeing some lovely people
I raraly talk to every day. :)
And cute little freshmen are nice. :D
Guys need to stop being so nice to me.
Then again, maybe i should stop
'Drawing attention to myself'. :\
This is who i am? Why does my personality
Fuck me up every day?
Why can't i ever be a normal girl?
I just hate all of this.
I try to be me but i end up pissing of everyone.
I'm so done with guys.
The one a like must have forgotten i existed.
The other one is frowned apon.
And others are just too creepy.
Oh, did i mention that just because guys like me
(Who, might i add, are all sorta weird)
One of my friends is mad at me?
Sorry that i attract the weird ones.
Sorry i never get what i want either but i end
Up looking like a spoiled brat anyway.
And who am i, anyway?
Who is this person i pretend to be everyday?
The facade i so eagerly fall into?
Happy, and nice?
I'm a stuck up drama queen and a bitch.
I don't know who i am.
I have to real friends i tell everything too.
The only ones i thought i had are leaving me.
And these new ones don't have time for me.
No one cares for real. No ones wants to hang out.
I throw parties but am the awkward kid in the corner.
Stop dictating my life. You don't know me.
Truth is? I don't know me.
I'm way to tired to care, and way to sad to care.
I just can't seem to be perfect for anybody.
Here i am thinking we're friends,
Then you go an insult me but think
I already knew i was this way.
I didn't. it hurts.
Thanks for pointing out my flaws.
And don't even get me started on just WHO i like.
Cuz everyone would raise hell.
I can't do anything right.
I just hide behind my happy mask when you ask
"Are you ok?"
I saw first hand today i'm not.
I blew up infront of the whole class
Over something so small.
I hate going to school.
I have to avoid people.
Not be a bitch.
I don't think before i do anything
And it always ends badly.
I piss off people,
And say the stupidest shit ever.
I embarass myself constantly,
And i'm overall too nice somehow
On top of this, to turn down a guy.
He's nice, but everyone says to back off.
I just, hate all these things.
And you'll all ask if i'm ok after reading this.
And i'll saw i'm fine.
And you'll ask who i like and we'll
Have playful banter and i'll be 'happy'.
And you'll assume i'm fine and life will go on.
As it should.
Infact, in an hour i'll be happily with be friends
At the musical. I'm so fake.
I freakin hate myself.
I'm so vain.
I think i'm the shit.
I'm so not. i should just stop trying.
In everything.
Nothings working out.
And yes, this is be being a giant queen bitch
Drama Queen.
So everyone who actaully read this can konw that i'm actally
Fine. This is just how i get my 'attention'.
I'm sorry i wasted your time.
I'll stop whinning now and go be productive.
Because venting this way makes me happy.
Yes, being a bitch makes me happy.
So whatever if you don't think this is sound logic.
I'm fine now.
And i know you're confused.
But my head works 100 x faster than my fingers.
I've already sorted todays problems out while writing this.
So, thanks blogger. For being there for me when i needed something
To listen to me vent.
Goodnight, and please come to the muscial this weekend! <3
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