Oh..

The way it sounded to me was
That that the boy who was planning that party
Was having it at his house.
It's actaully put on by his gf who lives in
Waterloo.
And..if i would have known that i wouldn't have
Been so sad. But oh well.
I honestly don't feel like doing much today anyway.
I'd rather go to bed early and just be alone.
But i think i'm hanging out with someone.
I mean, i don't mind now.
And about D&D?
Sorry i got mad.
I hope you have fun tonight.
Because i want that for you.

Ring in the new year solo..

Yeah.
I've been trying to do something for New Years.
This morning, i learned why everyone is skirting
Around me with plans.
There's a party i wasn't invited to.
And...my sister was invited...?
But he's in my grade.
In my classes.
What the fuck?
She said i could go in her place.
Like that wouldn't be awkward.
Now i just want to sit home alone.
I know i'm weird.
Really different.
And very obnoxious.
But really?
Really?
My sister?
And not me?
I know we don't talk that much,
Bur she's been gone for months.
I mean..come on.
Last year i didn't get to be with Ajz
For new years and i thought that was horrible.
I think being a lone might just top that.
Yeah, i'm dwelling on it.
But i just don't care anymore.
No one else included me in their plans.
Maybe i'll go call some to see.
But...
Just so you know.
This really, really, hurts.
My sister isn't even going.
But..at least she got invited..

I don't.

Yeah. So Nathaniel asked me to hang out.
All these years, and i don't want it.
I don't like him anymore.
He's bad news bears.
All i ever try to do is cheer him up.
Somewhere i hope i didn't cross the line.
I don't want him to like like me.
And i just wouldn't want to see him in person.
It's be awkward.
For one, we only text.
For two, it would be a weird occasion anyway.

As for Ajz.
I thought i was over that.
I thought maybe i just wanted to protect him.
But last night i accidentally clicked on my photos
On my ipod.
I haven't cried in so long...
But last night i did.

I don't know how i feel about anything.
And on top of that, nobody asks to hang out anymore.
You at least get to see SN.
You at least got asked to be in D&D.
I didn't.
And i still don't know why not.

I wish it was simplier.
When i had ajz.
Then i remember.
I was just looking past the bad.

Why don't people make plans?
Everyone talks big,
But nobody follows through.
Why can't i be like when we were kids.
And the whole conversation is us
Talking to each other and our mothers.
Then letting out mothers talk to finalize plans.
Oh, nastalgia....

Umm..

About the whole Ajz thing...
Right now?
It's one of those times i don't like him.
I mean..he's a giant lier. for REAL.
I just...i was trying to make it perfect
So it would last but everyone else could see.
It wasn't perfect.
Another factor?
I sorta...maybe...
Texted dNathaniel all yesterday..?
Yeah. like...all day.
And idk how i feel about that.
I can't like him.
He's bad in his own ways.
But...we can be good friends.
I think.

Sometimes...

He acts flirtatious.
Sometimes he acts like he could care less.
Why do i push conversations?
I'm so back and forth...
I hate this...
WHY DO I STILL CARE ABOUT YOU!?!?
Someone help me...:/

What don't you understand?

I'm still in love with him.
There i said it.
I don't want to be.
He's bad. For me. For everyone.
But i spent to long protecting and making him better.
And i miss it.
I miss having someone to have.
And..i'm afraid i'll do things i shouldn't.
Like hang out with him again.
And i'm scared.
But i want to see him.
But i shouldn't.

Today someone asked me what would make my world perfect.
"If Andrew didn't lie. But we all know that won't happen".
:/

I've become someone.

I don't make my bed anymore.
This feels....monumentious.
I feel like a teenager.
It's..grr.
Tonight i took a drive.
But just any drive.
I was coming home.
But i didn't turn onto Garden Av.
I slowed...saw my parents were home...
And it was only 7:45 and i'd been with family all weekend...
And kept driving.
At first, i was SCARED.
Where was i going to turn around at?
I drove all the way to bremer.
Around a GIANT curve.
I was trying to remember how to get home..
I took a left in bremer and headed home.
But...when i was almost home i remembered.
If i turned into the drive from the opp direction,
They'd wonder where i was.
So i took a turn and went past the new catholic church
And into town.
Then into Lovers Lane,
Up a giant hill, and home.
It was a half an hour drive.
And it did clear my mind a little.
I realized everything.
No, like EVERYTHING
Reminds me of Andrew in this town.
Everywhere, everything has a memory.
And i know i can't take him back.
And i know he won't take me back.
But over two months later and i still miss it.
I miss having it.
The love. the person. the little things you do. always having someone who knows you. someone to share everything with. someone who loves you. someone to watch out for you. someone to help and understand. someone to be with. someone who you are yourself with....i miss that.
I almost miss Andrew.
But..it makes me lonely.
I haven't seen friends all weekend... :/
That's why i hung out with him so much.
No body wanted to see ME.
I saw him at the meet.
He was working,
But after i got a hug and we talked for a while.
I...asked him if he wanted to hang out.
*small awkward silence*
I get off after the meet's over.
But i suggested maybe during break....
I mean..if nobody else suggests i'll ask him again.
And we'll see where that goes...

Hmm.

I always have so much i want to say here.
Then i forget when i realize i should really post something.
I don't even know what's going on anymore.
Girls bowling won out first meet friday.
And i'm watching the Lord of the Rings trilogy for the firs time this weekend.
And i'm snowed in. :)

I feel

Protective.
I can't just let Nathanial be depressed.
I have to make people happy.
Unless they've made it dificult.

I don't know what you want from me.
If you like them i'm not going to fight.
I have too much going on right now. :/ sorry.
I still think you're cool and i'd hang out
Where ever when ever you want.
But i can't put all my effort into this.
I still want to be friends, i do.
But i go through busy periods.
You allowed to have multiple groups of friends, too.
You know i do.
And it's hard to talk to you in band cuz i'm always rushing the bell.
I'm late to class, and have to run to the opposite side of the school after.
That's all.
I miss you i really do. Let's hang out over xmas then decide. :)

And. speaking of. i could really use break like...NOW. 10 more school days!
Try to keep good spirits. i mean, i really would miss you.
You know i can't live without you, but if you want a change of scene
For a while, i won't mind. I'm always gonna be here for you.
That's why we're best friends.
So..call me. If you wanna hang out.
Let's make snowmen and fools of ourselves, ok? :)
Gooooooooodnight.
ps: I had fox news and homophobes. :D