Can Haz 2009? 2010?

So.
REALLY FAST RECAP:
Rung in the new year in bush gardens with some
OHIO BOYS...:P
Home.
School.
NATHANIEL OBSESSION.
Winterfest.
Ajz-enters scene.
He's been a friend since
Florida trip.
NATHANIEL OBSESSION over.
Ajz...we date.
blah blah blah...
School...
I got a new BFF! {CJ}
First Kiss..<3 [April 18]
First I Love You.
Prom.
SUMMER!
Ajz everyday.
LOVE.
Friends.
School starts.
College starts/6 months [same day.]
School.
Blah, Blah, Blah.
We're still together.
...blah blah blah...
2010?
What?
Wow, this year flew by. ;)
Don't feel bad if i didn't mention you...
It was a FAST recap lol...
I luffs alls ya'll!


Ajz and i are great. duh. :P
I thought i had a lot to say...
I will have new years
Resolutions or whatever lol,
On in 2010.
BUT...
I want to not get mad as much
I want to not get jealous.
I want to see my friends.
I want to be happy.
I want to live...love...laugh.
I want you guys as my friends! :)
Please have a safe and happy New Years!

Ajz and i won't get that movie-star
Kiss at new years lol...
He's babysitting...
...
Ok, house sitting lol.
He needs the money..
Sit in a house and don't let the kids burn it down. :P
IMMA GO TO A DANCE!!!! W00T!
SAMMY D!
And if _ _ _ _ _ is there...
Well....i have connections to the DJ.
JUST KIDDING.
I don't care...whatever lol...
She isn't important.
LOL.
I'm in a good mood...
Now i'm off ot continue reading
**AP** before i call CJ.
We gonna par-tay.
And RAL can haz dance?
Possibly.
PS: I got my hair cut...'tis short!
OMG!
Gosh i am random...sorry.
HAPPY NEW YEAR!
2010...<3

It's not suppose to be like this...

SO.
I give him everything.
My heart, my love, everything.
Somehow, he takes more than that.
He takes my dignity.
He talks to _ _ _ _ _ still.
He calls her cute.
He talks to her, a lot.
It really bothers me.
A LOT.
Why?
If he loves me like he claims,
Aren't i all i need?
Am i jealous?
YES I AM.
It isn't fair....
I can't be her,
But i think i'm better for him.
I have NEVER made him drop out of high school.
I have NEVER made him cry.
I have NEVER made him so mad he beat his locker up.
I have never done that one thing they did that i can't tell you all because i shouldn't even know and no it's not THAT thing...
I have ONLY love him and made him feel good.
Why does he still talk to her?
I feel like he loves her more sometimes...
And i hate it.
But i cannot escape it.

On the other hand...
Nathaniel won't leave me alone.
He wants me to go see avatar.
I'd feel like i was cheating if i did that.
I will NOT fight fire with fire.
I will tell you,
It is why i started to talk to him
Back then when i said we were talking.
Maybe ajz would get jealous.
Then i remembered when ajz said he didn't trust Nathaniel.
I don't want to hurt ajz.
Because then i'm no better than _ _ _ _ _.

If i married ajz, i would be happy.
I would rush through college and the best years
Of my life, to marry him so he is mine.
I don't want heartbreak.
I just want him.
I want him forever.

What happened?
Am i just too jealous?
It's not like i tell him not to,
I don't order him around.
I never will, but...
It's not suppose to be like this...


ps: happy 10 months...ajz...
pss: merry late christmas...

Why Am I So Dumb?

So.
It seems that everytime
I want to do something
Fun, especially with ajz,
I mess it up.
The other night,
He got home around 8:30,
And we were suppose to go out to eat,
But i was dumb and said
That i didn't want to because
It was too late.
I then proceeded to cry.
Long into the night,
As he had been home for 3 days
And i haden't seen him yet. :(
Then tonight.
He was at work, and i was
Down there for practice.
He was bowling so i
...
...
Didn't say goodbye.
And now i regret it
SO MUCH.
I miss him.
I thought he would get off early.
But, he's working until 11.
And he didn't reply to my text...
Is he mad?
I hate this.
I'm always so dumb.
I DIDN'T SAY GOODBYE!
I didn't even get a hug today.
Or say 3 words to him.
I HATE THIS.
I hate everything when
I'm not with him.
I want to be with him all the time.
But...i can't.
I'm so dumb.
It isn't fair...
Why don't i think
Before i piss off people?
Or leave?
Or say things?
Or think?
Or breathe...?

...


On a lighter note,
I'm better at bowling...

I Feel Good.

I let her go.
REALLY let her go.
I feel nothing but hate for her.
And i don't mind people liking her.
If you're friends, its ok.
I FEEL SOO GOOD!
And, i wanted you to know this all.
I am honestly free and i LOVE it.
I KNOW that we will never be friends.
LOVE IT.

And, yeah.
Life is good.
Tomorrow AJZ is home. :)
Im jealous a lot....and i
Never thought i would get that
Way lol, but it's ok.
He wouldn't do anything wrong.

Who wants to hang for
Break? Call me!

I love you all!
Have a good day!

I'm Effing Done With _ _ _ _ _.

So.
I'm done.
I was finally just like
Whatever about _ _ _ _ _.
UNTIL today.
>=(
Listen up, you people who think she's nice:
Today, I'm having a good day.
A little tired, but good.
And after school, I walked Nolan Baker to his
Locker, which ironically 2 down from _ _ _ _ _.
Now, I'm NOT in the way, there is a locker between us.
But, as I nicely am talking to Nolan, she COUGHS.
COUGHS for a whole MINUTE.
Every time, looking dead straight back at me.
The person she was talking to asked
"Do you have a frog in your thought?"
Hahahaha. I wish.
I didn't do a thing.
I was TEMPTED to punch her in the face and ask
"Do you have a fucking problem?"
But…I was nice.
Ha, yeah, I was nice to her about making fun of me.
HAHAHAHA.
I swear, I'm going mad.
Eff you who think she's nice.
Eff you who think I'm overreacting.
That's what went down.
Make of it what you will.
I'm done.
I don't care about her.
I will never feel another feeling for that girl
UNLESS it is hate.
But, for AJZ's sake, I won't hate.
I will feel nothing.
Not a drop of care.
For her, with the retarded blue hair.

And yes, this is what I think.
SHE HAS NEVER SAID A WORD TO ME IN MY LIFE.
I consider this to be our first conversation.
We got off to a BAD start.
Efffffffffffffffffff.

Ps: I may not be using the computer for a while….
Depending on how mad my mother is….
The phone bill….
I got scammed
AKA there's a $10 charge on it.
I think.
I hope not….

pss: thanks cj. <33
I wont do nutin' lol but thanks for having my back.
I'll back you in jville to lol! waverly people are SCARY! :P

GRR {Dream}

SOOOOO.
I was So over Fracking
_ _ _ _ _.
Then.
The other night.
I had a dream.
AJZ was coming home.
And he likes to speed.
So i dreamt that
He died going too fast
On the Snow and Ice.
I became really
Depressed.
And i went to school the
Next day.
And *b*slapped _ _ _ _ _
Across the face.
And yelled profanities at her
For 5 minutes.
Saying i didn't care anymore
Because he wasn't here.
And i came home and blogged.
Being super sad and depressed.
In essence: Super-sad-emo-depressive.
Saying my own sister didn't like him.
And one friend didn't like him because he
COLORED on her COLORING book page and wouldn't let it go.
I thought i was ok with _ _ _ _ _.
I thought my anger was gone.
Now, when i see her, my heart races.
I panic. i'm scared.
I want to cry in the corner.
I don't want this.

WHAT THE HECK IS WRONG WITH ME?!??!

I DIDN'T ASK FOR THIS.
I SWEAR, IF I COULD MAKE HER
NEVER EXIST, I WOULDN'T BE
SCREWED UP.
BUT I PROLLY STILL WOULD GET MAD AT SOMEONE.

...

...

My friends...don't hate me. [RAL]
Please..i never act.
I'm scared.
No one will protect me.
AJZ likes her.
She won't hurt me, i know.
But...what if i hurt her?
I won't, i swear.
But...i'm so scared.
I LIVE IN CONSTANT FEAR.

...

...

Help me.

Save me.

Love me.

CARE

Phone Tag

So.
I Be Playin' Me Some Phone Tag With RAL.
Haha sorry.
So heres the deal.
Why do i talk about Nathaniel?
Irony.
[~<3~ did i spell that right?]
A year ago, i'd have done ANYTHING to be with him.
ANYTHING. yeaaaah.
My "AGE" was a problem.
Have i filed for rape yet?
Nope.
And ajz is 3 yrs. and 10 months older than i.
Ha.
Haha.
You SEE...
Now Nathaniel likes me.
I think.
Or needs me.
Or something.
And...if i were to just talk
About Nathaniel,
People would get suspicious.
They would think i wasn't over him.
I don't care.
But...he keeps poping up in my life.
When it's more inconvient.
Or rather, when i've forgotten him.
That is why i continue to talk
About the guy who isn't here.
About the guy who isn't mine.
About the guy who hurts himself.
That is why.

And as far as _ _ _ _ _ goes
[Thanks for using those letters lol!]
She is just another person i pass in the halls.
I don't care.
And she doesn't.
I really don't feel
Bad, mad, scared, or anything
When i see her.
She is just another face
At Wave-town High.

And about last night at pep band.
If anyone saw me upset...
I had some issues with ajz.
His friend, the gay one,
Told me about his life.
What i didn't know.
No, no, it's ok.
We've worked it out.
Nothings changed.
Ajz is just an exagerator, says he.
The friend of ajz.
Please don't change opinions,
You don't know, and you all won't.
Prolly.
Nothings wrong.
I get to see Ajz soon.
This coming weekend.
:D

And as for Phone Tag Boy.
I read your comment.
I just called to talk.
Laugh. Out. Loud. ;)
We do need to hang more.
And i'm interested in what
Dream snipets were of me.
In your post... :P

And as for pheonix
{did i spell it right?}
Thanks for today.
Sorry lance and justin were
Show-offs lol.
I had fun.

Ps all who read:
the friend of Ajz said to me this:
Stay happy.
<3333

Smile If Ya Wanna.

So.
Happy friggen Deciembre ya'll.
I don't know...
How i feel.
Today in the bandroom,
_ _ _ _ _ was there.
But..while i was walking in
And she was walking out,
I gave a half smile
I think she looked away.
Or at a friend.
I'm not scared anymore.
So that's good.
Just...it's almost weird.
I don't act different when
She's around.
But i'd rather not be near her.
For it's so ingraned into my
Head to be scared.
But..i'm not.

And, as always.
Nathanial.
Nathaniel.
Idk how i always spell it.
But, he's back to college
And won't talk to me anymore.
He's so...really?
I mean...it's fine but if he
Appears to need me so much
When he's home, then
Is fine at college...
I'm so GLAD i'm over that boy.
:P
Ohh....looked who i'm talking to now?
Mr. Nathaniel himself.
He's so sad so much.
And i'm in such a weird mood.
i don't know...
Friends don't tell me enough...
I don't share enough...
I feel distant...
Confused...
Cold...
A touch pissy (thats another story)...

The moon is out.
And school only was over
An hour ago....

And...school is going SO fast.
This is the fastest part.
Between Thanksgiving & Christmas.
Wow...life's ok though.
I'm still dreaming, but i don't remember.
Why do we do that?
Dream out things only to forget..
I don't understand.
It's that time where everyone becomes
Confused.
Distant.
Scared.
Alone.
Not again.
Not this year.
Last year i was all "Nathaniel".
Well, no more.
Pues, no mas. :)

Please tell me things.
Please love me.
Please care about me.
Please...don't forget me.
I..need..you..all..right..now..

Nathaniel Dream

SO.
I dreamed of *him* again last night...
And NOT ajz, either.
...
I am over him.
My subconscience...is dumb.
It was nice though.
Listen up.

**********

First off
We were eating lunch.
Me and my friends.
No nathaniel.
I threw a water bottle
At a boy...idk who.
Its foggy.
And so he was going to beat me up.
So i ran off to tell my friends.
And i ran into him.
I wanted to tell him
So i wouldn't be hurt.
But he was...laughing and
Looking in pain.
So i asked what was up.
He said something.
[Bear in mind he is sad a lot.]
He said a professor had killed himself.
"Someone who taught my age is dead".
So i gave him a really big hug.
Suicide is NEVER the answer.

[it becomes blurry here....]

Then he was with all of his friends
And he showed someone his phone.
He said something about
How the background pic
Was of me.
"I want to show you this
Because her and i have a thing now."
From somewhere else someone yells
"What about AJZ?"
"Who?" -N

Then it swithches to me in
The locker room.
Running around yelling
PROFANITIES.
WHY DOES HE LIKE ME?
I LOVE AJZ!

You see, even in my subconscience...
AJZ wins my heart.
{Taylor Swift}
It's a love story
Baby just say yes.
Yes, AJZ all the way.

Even now, as i IM nathaniel.
He imed me.
He wants to see me tomorrow.
I'll have to BS my way through it.
I won't ever do something
That looks like i'm cheating
On AJZ.
Cuz {Hellogoodbye}
Oh, it is love
From the first,
Time i set my eyes upon
You, thinking Oh, is it love. :)

But, listen to the ending our convo.
As i BS my way out, saying i'm tired.
And yes, i am "the fantab cookie"

** "The Fantab Cookie" [9:50 P.M.]: i'm gonna go to bed soon.
"The Fantab Cookie" [9:50 P.M.]: i guess call me tomorrow sometime lol
"Nathaniel" [9:51 P.M.]: oh ok.
"Nathaniel" [9:51 P.M.]: missyou
"The Fantab Cookie" [9:51 P.M.]: sorry. i is tired. :|
"Nathaniel" [9:51 P.M.]: if you must :(
"The Fantab Cookie" [9:51 P.M.]: i'll talk to you tomorrow. :)
"Nathaniel" [9:51 P.M.]: you better **

But, i <3 AJZ.
And all of you.
So..imma go call AJZ.
ttyl all!
G'night...

Grr.

So.
On the night of
November 25-26,
I dreamed of AJZ.
Last night...i dreamed
Of nathaniel...
No, i am over him.
He needs me so much.
Last night...this morning
I guess...at
3 am, he called me
And left a voicemail.
He mumbles a lot.
He thanked me for
Reminding him of
Something yesterday...
You see...
He needs me so much.
I just....
Have you ever needed
To push something away
That needed you to stay alive?
It's so complicated.
I truley don't
Have feelings for him
Anymore.
I love ajz.
It appears that he needs me though.
So, i will be there for him.
I guess...

9 Months.

So.
Today is 9 months.
39 weeks.
3/4 of a year.
And GobbleGobble day. :P
Happy Thanksgiving all!
He leaves at 3.
I'll be with family all day.

Also...nathaniel
Call last night...
He needed someone.
Just so everyone who
Matters knows.
Yeah.

But...Family...FOOD.
Today's going to be good.
:DDDDDDDDD
Cuz i have family.
He won't be bored at college.
And maybe Nathaniel won't be lonely.

I love you all, btw. <333

Well then...

So. last night.
It wasn't my fault.
He's never really online
So i IMed nathaniel.
And yes, i am over him.
He appears to need me
More than i need him.
I do miss him
But if i never saw him in my
Life again...
I'd be ok.
He seems really sad
And i want to help...
I hope he'll be ok.
I'm a caring person, ok?
When i think of him, i don't feel
Anything at all.
Then...this morning...
4:37 AM...
He texted me.
Asking me if i enjoyed him.
And why.
He was feeling bad again,
And wondering if people
Really liked him.
Of course people like him!
I wish he wouldn't doubt...

Maybe he'll come hang out
With him and some friends today.
You know, get in the holiday spirit.
Did i mention he's home?


BUT.
Tomorrow.
Thanksgiving.
Thursday.
The 26.
Is 9 months.
Exactly 39 weeks.
He'll be in Las Vegas.
For a bowling tournament.
=((
BUT.
He has to pay for college somehow.
And i saw him last weekend.
Sadly, only the bowlers are still on campus
Because they have practice.
And the Caf. is closed...
And he's bored ALL day.
And i miss him.
BUT.
It's ok.
Because.
It is love.

And as for nathaniel.
He seems so distant..
I hope he's ok...
BUT
Happy Thanksgiving. <3

¿Verdad?

So. it means *really* in spanish.
I let him go. ~<3~ helped me with it.
And, yesterday, he facebooks me.
"Blah, cute one, blah"
Really? i feel nothing but saddness
For him.
Nathaniel.
I mean...i am just so over him.
I'm not even hiding feelings for him.
I don't get that rush anymore when i think
When i talk
When i am near
To him.
So whatever!
Go smoke your pot.
teehee, i've let him go.
He needs me more than i need him.
He's the one who keeps coming back,
He must have actually liked me.
But was too afraid of the age thing.
I laugh at him now. :P
But...we're still friends.
No harms there. :)

And, i drove a car today.
AND I SURVIVED! :DDD
I drove for an hour.
My mom actaully was ok.
We drove in the HS parking lot
For like 20 minutes.
Then the residential areas.
Then HIGHWAY.
Then i parked it at Hyvee.
:DDD

And he was back this weekend.
I doubt i can see him today tho....:(

And i saw new moon.
It was good.
Jasper Whitlock Hale had lines...
*swoon* <3
:P

Whoa.

So.
As We the Kings said:

"Sleep well
Tucked tight
Make sure you hide the night
This was for the best
Stay out
Of sight
Fled the scene of the crime
To avoid an arrest
We will brawl for the cause
That's all we've got
No matter the cost
We're singing
Whoa-oh
Whoa-ah-o
Whoa-oh
Whoa-ah-o
Oh, no, no, no
Beggars and thieves
Is what we had to be
Un-invited guests
Shake this disease
They'll quarantine this street
But color me impressed
We will brawl for the cause
That's all we've got
No matter the cost
We're singing
Whoa-oh
Whoa-ah-oh
Whoa-oh
Whoa-ah-oh
Whoa-oh
Whoa-ah-oh
Oh, no, no, no
Whoa-oh
Whoa-ah-oh
Whoa-oh
Whoa-ah-oh
Oh, no, no, no
I know we won't get caught
But if we do
we'll say we never knew
This is our chance to lose it
Whoa-oh
Whoa-ah-oh
Whoa-oh
Whoa-ah-oh
Whoa-oh
Whoa-ah-oh
Oh, no
Whoa-oh
Whoa-ah-oh
Whoa-oh
Whoa-ah-oh, no..."

Life is...Whoa, right now.
And who would have thought?
I'm all over the place,
Crying all the time.
Getting mad at people,
Crying some more,
And...nothing's even..
Wrong.
I'm sorry i hit, get mad,
And other things.
I'm sorry i cry a lot.
Today, my dad took me driving...
I don't want to discuss it but,
I came home and cried.
And i don't want to drive anymore.
I want to move to NY and take taxis everywhere.
I swear.
And i'm not 'running away' from it.
Honestly. i just...don't like
To go fast.
So, why am i dating him? lol.
And, i just...
Too much friend drama.
No offense.
Gosh...i can't do this.
It's just...whoa.

Catch Up.

Here's how it is:
~<3~ helped me a lot...
I deleted those textes from
Him almost a year ago.
And... it did feel good.
Thanks, a lot.
I was a dumb freshman
With a huge crush
On a...not so good guy.
And...i can't remember if
People told me it was bad but
I wish someone could have shaken me
And said "He's just not worth the tears."
But, it's ok.
Because now i have him. :)
And, i have to say, when i was
In love with him, nathaniel, last year,
How was i suppose to know i was dumb?
Is what i'm doing now dumb?
I do love him, so i doubt it.
But if it is...shake me by the shoulders.
I will resist, but upon
Cogitation of the matter,
I will probably agree with you.

Musical was fun.
I loved it.
For the most part.
Is there much else i have to say?

I cried a lot this weekend.
Because my mom wouldn't let me see
Ajz a lot.
Ohh well.
There is always the future. :)

That is all i have to say.
Now you're all caught up,
On my silly little life. <3

ps: RAL: that girl...who makes your heart stop...
Is it me? that's a dumb question, but now i want to know.
Or is it still your gf? that would make sense too, lol.
And i won't loose sight of my love.
And...the yogurt thing was funny. XD btw.

Strawberry Yogurt.

So, it's good stuff, seriously. XD
But life right now...is also good.
I don't honestly konw...
I have so much i could say right now...
I figured it out, actaully.
I have anger issues.
But...Lately,
My means of expression have become
One thing, to hate her/it/_ _ _ _ _.
I don't really hate her.
She doesn't really hate me.
I just use her as a ways to vent
My pent up anger.
It's not her fault.
If it would have been flipped
Story wise, i wouldn't want someone to
Hate me for talking to a friend.
I'm sorry to her, not that she knows
Of any of it.
And, i use to take my anger out
Any way i could on myself.
Bad grades, every thing i did wrong
Which is why i had low self-esteem.
Then, i got other ways
And i recently became really happy.
I stoped 'hatin' on my self'
And felt better.
But on the inside,
Hating her turned me into a monster!
So i'll use other methods of expression
Even if it means i'm mean.
I don't want to be a moster.
But, Strawberry Yogurt is...good.
And...ajz is coming back for the...4 week in a row.
I feel spoiled. :D
And..Musical...
It's gonna be a good weekend.
Supposedly Nathanial is coming back.
When he was in my living room
At the Halloween Party....
Why did my heart stop?
Is it the 'first true love thing?'
Or, is it just him?
But...again....yogurt...and...him...and...her...and...a year since i was OBSESSED with him...a whole year...and...he still stops my heart...still tears me up...still does all that crap...and i still like ajz...and...yogurt.

No Time.

So.

There is never any time for anything lately.

With musical i'm so busy.

I never have time for

Friends

Boyfriend

TV

Computer

Sometimes food

Sometimes homework

Life

Love

Laughter.

It's sad.

I miss it all...

But...while musical is fun,

I'll be glad when it is over.

And life goes back to 'normal'.

What's normal of you not being here?

Oh well...

[[ps: happy 6 months joe and liz! <3 <3

Life in 10 Years?

Last week, after you left my house

I decided that since you were always complaining

About how nobody sends you letters,

That i would write you everynight

And send them all at the end of the week.

So far, so good.

Tonight will be a week.

Sunday to Sunday.

And...you still don't know.

I was happy Thursday night

And Friday....

You came home this weekend.

You coach told you to rest.

I Love seeing you.

And...i realized something.

If i marry you 10 years down the road...

I'll be really happy.

It sounds strange

And very far off,

But you make me so happy.

You complete me.

I love you.

You love me.

If i never date anyone

Else, I will be happy
And, it does sound really crazy,
And I probably sound really
Obsessive and dumb and love struck.
But I've thought about this, and it's true.
And, if you were to break up with me…
I would be horrified, and really sad.

Because right now,

I don't know if i could every break up with you.

I love you so much.

It's really true.

And...if you broke up with me,

I would just get mad and get over it,

Hopefully.

And if i break up with you,

Which i don't think i can ever do,

It would be for a good reason.

But, if i start a family with you,

I'll be happy.

And i do sound strange,

But people long ago got married

At my age, so whats wrong?

But for now, the wind is cold and bitter.

Yet, the sunshine is warm,

So i'll just keep loving you...<3

Fine.

So.

Life was good.

You were home wed.

And i saw you thursday.

And i saw you friday.

And today i had to march

Until three.

And you had to work

Until five.

So i came home at four

And i fell asleep.

You called around five thirty.

You boss wanted you to go to

MASON CITY to bowl tonight.

*silence*

And you're going to your dads tomorrow.

And you dad is fun but i don't have to go.

And...i just was ready for some time with

Him, but i guess tomorrow night will be it.

So jeeze.

And during our phone convo,

Wranwrap called.

At the end of the phone convo,

I was starting to cry.

You asked if it was fine that you were going.

I told you it was your life.

And you were all blah blah blah just

Never mind. grr.

I mean...i want to see you

So Bad!

But...i called wranwrap back

And she wondered if i wanted to go to

Front Yard Fright tonight with her.

I swear, if not for her i would fall apart.

And today was fun,

I got to hang out with

CJ a lot. :)

Even if it WAS cold...

But seriously?

He's made me cry so much.

And he doesn't know about

Any of that. really?

Can Has Luff?

To Quote Spongebob, sadly,

"I'm Ready."

I know i said i was

'Over her'

And that i was ready to

Stop being afraid.

I am now.

I promise.

If she make fun of me,

I'm punch her in the face.

Because i'm not going to

Run away anymore.

If she's going to hate me,

It IS her problem

Eff this. I'm tired of running.

I'm tired of fast heartbeats.

I'm tired of crying.

I'm tired of worrying about my friends.

I'm tired of being afraid.

All because of her.

I'm so happy right now.

I love my new best friend.

Saddly, i've had the same friends

Since elementary school.

One since i was born.

And this winter, she ditched me.

In Disney Land.

Happiest place on earth?

I think not.

Now we're still friends but...

Not as close.

And another friend...

Has become strange.

Then i had my Bff since 3rd n 4th grade,

And those other "Friends".

This new girl,

We all thought she was strange.

She thought we were crazy awesome.

Turns out:

She's effing the missing piece

To our puzzle.

I feel like i am the closest to her though.

Not to brag but...when at her bday party

Nobody else had been to her house.

And...the feeling i got was great.

She. Is. Crazy-awesome.

She needs to come to our school.

She. Will change our lives for the better.

And we will keep her happy.

Changing her forever more.

She's so sad and lonely and amazing.

We must love her forever.

And we will.

She is one of the most amazing

People i have ever met.

Even if she looks like a gecko ( :P )

And then, him.

He's coming home this weekend.

Fall break starts Wed.

Last night, i talked to him.

He said he's ready to come home.

He still jokes with me like always.

I feel nothing has really changed.

We are still so strong.

I am still so in love.

Even if listening to

Death Cab for Cutie

Again makes me think of

Nathaniel, nothing compares.

My most recent Ex and i had a fight.

Our first, sort of,

A little while ago.

We're still great friends, thankfully.

And i do like your new gf.

Just, remember your old friends, too. :P

And...all my senior friends.

Who i've watched grow with my sister...

I will be sad when you leave.

I love you all. <3

And...Life. i cry these days out of

Happiness.

Not of saddness.

Fear,

Or lonliness.

Pure, Joy, and...Love. :D

Hahaha.

You'rerightitisfunbutkindaweirdbutnotashardasyoumadeitseemlol:Pyou'reagoodfriendandyesireadallofthatsololimmacrazystalkerlolSORRY.:Pi'mgladwe'restillfriendsthoughbecauseyou'rerealimportanttomeandmeanalottomeevenifwehaven'tbeenfriendslolyou'reamazingandiloveyouCJ!
and....you. :P
imma soo glad
We're friends again.
BTW.
and...this blog/facebook war
The 3 of us had was weird and
I'm sorry. again.
So...life is good otherwise.
He might be coming home
This tuesday
Questionmark?
Lol, well ttyl all.
I'm off to do Homework!

I'm Sorry.

SO.

I thought last night.

You don't deserve the silent

Treatment.

You are a good friend...

Yes you're friends with her but...

Most of my friends are saddly.

I mean...the one i love is still.

And....i can't stay mad at you.

You're effing you!

I'm sorry my friends made rude remarks.

I'm sorry i made rude remarks.

You like her.

It's ok.

She's nice.

I want to be friend with her, too.

I'm sorry.

Forgive me?

We may not be AS close but...

You are still you and i can't NOT like you.

I have a lot of those people.

Others don't like them but i do and

Me being so nice costs me a lot.

I'm sorry.

It's your fault.

And yet, it isn't.

I'll still be here, sadly,

When she hurts you.

Will you still be my

Friend?

And as for my friend, the lonesome one,

I too, may be messed up.

I told you it was ok to hate him.

And now i change my mind.

I'm sorry.

He's...friggen him.

And i'm...

Me.

Life is Not Swell

So.

Today was...

Painful.

Interesting.

Annoying.

Crushing.

Aggravating.

Saddening.

Maddening.

And a lot more

Under those subjects.

YEAH.

And...

Wow.

My friends...

YEAH.

One, they are great.

Two, they are depressive.

Three, they are annoying.

All of those sometimes.

But...when they hurt me...

Well let me start like this.

HER. _ _ _ _ _.

YEAH.

Her again.

Another of my friends

Became friends with her.

Seemingly FLAUNTING

Their friendship to me.

"Look at this that your BEST FRIEND did!"

What hurts?

This:

"Well, if i can't talk to you,

I may as well talk to your enemy!"

Ouch.

Eff this.

The last friend that chose her...

Almost dropped out of school

When she pissed him off.

Why does everyone like her so?

It's not my fault i'm not her!

But sometimes...

Seeing her makes me want to

Kill myself.

I mean,

If everyone,

And i mean EVERYONE

Likes her more,

Then i don't matter.

Suicide isn't the answer,

And i know it.

But, she hurts me so much.

I love Him.

And the new _ _ _ _ _ friend

Is a good man.

But, don't be suprised if i don't

Talk to you anymore.

If i ignore you,

Like i ignore her.

It's nothing personal.

Ok, it is.

If you want to play this way...

I mean, at least don't

Talk to ME about HER!

Just let me be,

Or there won't be a ME

To mess with anymore.

No More.

SO.

No more braces.

It's been 3.25 years.

I'm excited.

And cute.

:D

My Bad.

So.

He...didn't forget.

I over re-acted.

Like robert said.

He knew, it prolly wasn't

A big deal, to him.

It's not an important number.

It's 7.

And, i'm lucky.

Ok, i was freaking out over it.

And...i went upstairs after posting this last one.

I began to wash my face.

I began to cry.

Uncontrollable.

Yelling why doesn't he care?

Why do i love him

What happened?

And...i texted him.

I didn't have guts to call him

Incase he didn't love me.

Incase he didn't care anymore.

"Can you tell me if you still love me?

Because i'm sitting here crying because

It's seven months and you haven't said

I Love You in a week.

Because I Love you..."

His reply?

"Babe, of course i still love you.

Sorry i haven't said it"

He replied.

He didn't call to care that i was crying.

But...he replied.

He cares.

He loves me still.

I kept crying.

For reasons unknown.

Then i went to bed.

Then, in the morning i texted him.

"Sorry about the freak out

I over reacted.

I have a lot of stuff going on right now.

I'm off to des moines now

Have a good day. <3"

I left and haven't talked to him in 2 days.

And, this whole time i was gone

I worried my freak out would scare him

To not like me anymore.

I'm going to go call him soon but...

I love him, and that's all.

I've thought about it a lot.

I re-read all the texts he's sent me.

And, smiled.

Even before we dated.

We flirted.

Then, we loved.

Then, i was his baby.

Then, there were those tiffs we had.

But, always made up as soon as they happened.

And, over all.

If he's all i ever have in life.

I will be

So happy.

I love him.

He loves me.

That is all.

Way to go.

SO.
Way to go.
Way to remember 7 months.
I texted you it this morning.
No reply.
Eff this.
For the past week,
You have not said I Love You
When we say goodnight on the phone.
Eff this.
If you don't care anymore,
If you can't say
I Love You
On Seven EFFING months,
Then eff this.
I don't care.
I love you.
*I* do.
Do you love me?
You played Rock Band
THE WHOLE DAY
On our 7 month anniversary.
WHY?
Why can't you even talk to me?
Why don't you love me?
I love you.
Whatever, i'm going to bed.
Happy seven months, carolyn.
You're dating a loser.

Falling Apart?

.SO.

I'm using a darker color today.

It's...interesting.

It's...homecoming.

It's...my life.

It's...falling apart.

And worst of all...

I didn't do anything.

Ok, so here

Are the homecoming days:

Monday-Monochromatic.

I didn't know preps knew big words!

Tuesday-Marti Gras.

Wtf? beads...and...clothes please?

Wednesday-Woodstock

EPIC..

Thursday-Thrift Store.

Offensive, much?

Friday-Black and Gold.

This was obvious.

And, right now,

Everyone is dumb.

No one is dressing up.

Last week upset me.

A lot.

The football game.

We...suck.

Lets face it, we know this.

And...we played like the

2nd in the state, duh.

Again, we suck.

So it's 3rd quarter,

Time for Itty Bitty Band!

And...literally the FOOTBALL TEAM

Tells us to

1) Not play peppy songs.

WE'RE AN EFFING PEP BAND.

2) Not play the school song.

Um...fine. don't get the crowd excited.

Because the point of the band isn't to

Entertain the players,

It's to REV UP the fans.

And 3) To not do gypsy dances

Which is where someone lays on the ground

With a bass drum and someone runs around

Hitting it while other run around

Whooping.

It's fun. Why can't we do it?

The football team was loosing 50-0, but

SCHOOL SPIRIT, people.

Guess our football team is too

Dumb to figure it out.

Whatever, dudes.

...

And, then...School.

Lastely of all on my ranting/hateing list.

People at school.

Besides lack of school spirit...

There so much drama and saddness...

Someone tried suicide. again.

Why? we all love you...and it hurts us more. <3

Some one else had "stuff" in his backpack,

Which he left on school grounds.

And is being linked to it by his business card.

And, my friends own college boyfriend dumped her last night.

AFTER saying she was the best thing he's had

He "just wasn't happy."

Really?

So, i'm kidna worried about my relationship right now.

Is love strong enough to get us through?

...<3...

A Racing Heart?

So...

What happened?

Yesterday...

I was getting dressed

Getting ready to march.

And, like i knew would happen,

You came to the band room.

How long HAS it been

Since i've seen your face?

Since i've hugged you?

Since i've freaked out over you very

Presence?

You walked in.

I looked up.

My heart started racing.

Wait.

I love someone else.

OK, ok, i use to love you, it's true,

But, i don't anymore.

I haven't for a long time.

Why did i get nervous?

Why?

Why?

Why?

I don't love you anymore.

So why did i sit there

Wanting to talk to you?

I. Can't.

No.

And i do love my boyfriend.

He's the reason i stopped liking

You.

So...why?

And, something else happened last night.

During Itty Bitty,

You talked to her.

And, then i walked right past you two

To put away my clarinet.

And when i was done, i called you.

You ignored it.

But, turns out, you weren't still talking

To her, so it's ok.

Then, we were walking to your car.

It was dark.

And someone drove past and started to

Pound on the window of the car.

I assumed i knew the person...

But no.

It was her.

He ran over the the car and started talker to her.

I stayed where i was.

10 feet away is good for me.

Then, from nowhere

She says:

"Hey, Carolyn"

And i was like...woah.

She said it in a

Sincere, cute, smiley voice.

And when she left, she waved.

At both of us.

And said goodbye.

To both of us.

I don't care if she didn't mean it.

I'm going to smile at her from now on

Instead of avoiding her in the halls.

And, i can already tell,

This will be a fun year.

Maybe she doesn't hate me.

Maybe she has not reason to talk to me.

Or no reason to know me.

Or, tension is awkward.

But, i can take this and run.

We won't be BFFs,

But, maybe, just maybe,

We can be mutual.

And, this, makes me smile.

I Miss You.

So,

It's true.

I miss you so much,

And no, this won't be a rant about how much

I miss you.

Because, even though i do,

I think i can manage.

I love you more than

Anything i've ever known.

Sometimes, like this week

Will happen.

Where i called you every night

At 9 like usual.

And every time you were busy.

We would talk for about

5 minutes.

And then, i got mad.

Why the Hell

Where you blowing me off?

Who gave you this right?

To be with your new friends

And not talk to me

Then apologize in a text

About how you're

"Sorry".

And then talk

About coming home this weekend.

And, then i talked to you today

For that hour i longed for.

Most of it was silence.

Am i slipping from you?

Sometimes i think i could

Infact, live without you.

Then i cry at night about how i miss you.

I.

Don't.

Know.

Who.

I.

Am.

Anymore.

Eff.

With you or

Without you,

I just am

Confused.

Jack's Mannequin.

So.

I always seem to start all my posts that way.

Update on my life:

School is going pretty good.

Besides the homework in every subject part.

And...as far as him being gone...

I call him every night.

It's just like before we dated.

Or when we were first dating.

I love it.

Actually, i love sitting in my closet,

On the floor, talking to you

For an hour every night. :)

And, this weekend.

Labor day weekend,

You came back.

Friday, you were in CF around 3:30.

So from 4-6 we hung out.

Then i marched.

In Janesville,

where we put a WSR on their field.

So glad they didn't kill us.

And, then, after that, we went to your

"Mom" & "Dad"'s house.

Your bowling coaches house.

Btw, i'm joing bowling this year,

along with soccer.

So long as _ _ _ _ _ don't kill me.

Which, since i have wranwrap,

I should be all good there.

And since you were back, we hung out

Almost 15 hours this weekend.

it was a 3 days weekend tho. :D

And i love him.

So much.

Ohh, and the whole thing with the title.

Last night, i listened to jack's mannequin,

And every other song i would

Cry, then on the next song,

I would smile.

A gemini night.

And the night before,

Even though i knew i would see you the next day,

I still went home and cried.

All of a sudden, and i couldn't stop.

And, i was scared.

I didn't know why i was crying.

But i was.

And i couldn't stop.

And everyone was a little worried.

Which goes to show

You don't post on facebook unless you want question asked.

I had forgeten this.

Ohh well.

And then i talked to him on FB.

And he asked if he should be worried,

But as is softly continued to cry,

I was i was fine.

Then, later on, after i couldn't take it anymore,

I called Wranwrap.

My best friend.

And i felt soo much better.

She made me laugh.

And, that's my life right now.

March in the AM.

Study hard. (lol)

FB after school.

EAT.

Homework?

Call him.

Love him.

Go to Bed.

Cry.

Jack's Mannquin.

REPEAT.

I love my life. because i have him

Because i Love him. <3

Better Moods

So today wasn't my favorite day.

Didn't do so hot at school.

But...My little confirmants

Cheered me up. :)

They made me laugh.

And one of them knew me.

His dad use to be your boss.

Hahahaha.

They helped me laugh.

And smile.

And, you're coming home

Friday.

YAY!

I love you sooo much.

I've missed you sooo much.

And i'll get to see you

For a few days.

Earlier today,

I wanted to cry a little.

But i didn't.

It's all going to be ok.

So long as i have you.

And God.

And my 7th Graders.

You, i love you.

Them, they make me smile.

He, i mean, is Him.

AJZ is amazing. <3

And, life keeps on rollin'.

Currently...

Life does seem to have changed

Even though i thought it would

He left for College,

William Penn University

In Oksaloosa, IA.

And it doesn't seem like you're gone.

I have so much homework:

AP, Honors English, Speech,

That talking to you on the phone at night

Seems so normal.

Then, there is the guy i use to love.

Who i am now starting to talk to again.

Questionmark?

And everything is good.

I went and saw Journey and Heart.

It was amazing.

My friends are great.

School is hard but eh.

And you're coming home on

Select weekends.

I love you.

Live is good.

Tomorrow,

I'll have had

6 months

With you.

You're amazing.

Thank you for all of this.

:DD

Is It True?

I heard this crazy rumor that summers ending.

Is it true?

I spent the day packing your clothes away.

Along with other things you need

At college.

But...it still felt normal.

Ha.

It doesn't seem like it's over.

Summer, that is.

What is summer?

A time to let teachers breathe?

A time to let students grow up?

Wait...we don't do that.

This is all i have to show for summer:

2 reunions.

1 trip to adventureland.

X Muni Band Practices/Preformances.

1 Dance. (Q 92.3)

1 new BFF

1 leaving love

X junk food

X nights on the town

X days with him

2 few days with my friends

3 firework shows

1 LONG day of kyaking

1 week at WIYLDE

1 glitter bath

1 too many bug bites

1000 too many hours infront of electronics

1 too few friends days

X movies

10 few pictures with friends

X memories with friends

Amazing days of dressing up. :D

and this blog.

Summer may end, we'll always keep the memories.

I promise.

I'll hold it all in my heart through those

lonely winter nights.

Thinking back to what seemed

Dumb.

Stupid.

Silly.

Goofy.

Funny.

Or fun.

And forever be happy it happened,

At least.

I was happy almost every single day.

Right down to the times i was unsure.

To the moments i was full of happiness.

Summer was full of love and life and friends.

Who are forever in my heart. <3

I Feel Normal.

Today, while watching

A movie with you

At Johns house,

It felt normal.

Not liek John was leaving

Tomorrow,

Or you leaving on

Saturday.

Normal.

I laughed.

You two played

Diablo.

It was...

Normal.

And, then you had to go

To work early.

So i didn't get much time with you.

But, it didn't feel like

I would only see you

Once or twice more.

It was so...

Normal.

I was glad.

And, i won't be seeing you much more.

And then you're leaving,

But for now,

Normal, is good.

Life As We Know It.

I sit sometimes.

And i wonder....

Will i see you again?

After you start school

At William Penn University.

I want to cry everynight.

But i always think of ways to not.

Last night, when i was sitting in your car

We were at my house, nobody was home,

Just sitting and talking.

And i hugged you.

And my eyes felt full

Of tears of sadness

For you to leave me.

But i didn't cry.

I went inside and watched SNL.

And you called to make sure i was alright.

Because i freaked out in your car,

I thought i heard a noise.

I said i was ok.

Then, i did what i always do,

When the air conditioning is on.

I sat infront of the vent

In the toy room

Because, finally.

I was alone and the air was on.

And i talked to it.

It seems dumb and silly and strange.

He listens.

I named him George before"George" was...

that thing that happens.

And i started to cry.

Small, soft tears.

And i started to name all the reason

That i wouldn't cry.

Things like:

How i use to hate you,

And how i now love you,

And all the things we've done.

And i told myself over and over

That saying

[i forgot who said it though...]

"Don't Cry Because It's Over,

Smile Because It Happened."

And i did.

They were tears of JOY.

I Love Him.

And, it indeed,

will change.

My life, as i know it,

Will be thrown upside down

In one week. =/.

But...i can call him when needed.

There is facebook for a reason,

And he'll be back on some weekends.

So....all in all

He needs to go.

I know this.

And, it's going to be ok.

And, if he were to break up with me,

I would be glad it happened

Than never know

This is my first serious relationship. :)

And i know i can't even spend everday

With him before he goes

Because of life.

I'm Sorry.

But, it's going to be ok.

That is, infact, why we have this inportant things

I like to call:

F R I E N D S .

PS: i love them too. :D