:)

Tonight was an amazing night.
I went on a double date, and he paid.
Granted, i had only met this guy maybe 5 times im my life before tonight. We went to Texas Roadhouse, not the cheapest place around. It was great. We had to go home though because the other girl's curfew was up soon, and she lived in Tripoli like the two boys, so they droped me off at home. I didn't want to stay at home, and i didn't care if i had to hang out with this guy alone, i liked him. They ended up whipping a u turn in bremer and coming back to get me. We went to his house and i met his mom, and then we went to the bowling alley in Tripoli, just him and i, and everyone know him. It's a cute town like that. I had such a good time, and then he drove me all the way back to waverly, and walked me to my door and gave me a hug.
That's just the basics of tonight.
I just wanted to write it all down before i forgot everything.
I'm so happy.
I doubt i'll get any sleep tonight.
I'm ok with that... :)

Hi, i'm Carolyn.

I know.
It's been over a month.
There are times in life when i want to blog,
But i get too caught up in life to do it.

I don't like big Alex.
I don't like little Alex.
I'm finally over Andy.
Although, let's be real, he's the biggest jerk i ever met.
And that is saying a LOT. ;)
I don't like Andrew.
I don't like Drew.

Life is so nice.
But, the only people i hang out with anymore are
Sarah, Cassie, Bethany, and Megan.
But i'm ok with that. :)

I met a guy Friday night...
I don't have his number,
But he might ask one of my friends for mine.
At least, i hope he does.
I mean, it's really nice to dream that someone out there thinks about me.
And, that's just it.
I like to dream.
I like randomly smiling in class thinking about him.
I like thinking how i might get to see him again someday.
It just, makes me smile.
And, let's be real.
I love to smile.
:)

Catch up.

It has been a while.
I guess i found people to tell my problems to,
Not just a website.
But none-the-less.
My best friends sister likes Alex.
So i made sure he and i were just friends,
So she can be sure he doesn't like me anymore.
The only problem is that, once i did that,
I started liking him again.
But i'm sure it is only because i can't have him,
So i won't act on it.
I don't need a guy.
So there. :)

I can't stand a lot of people in school anymore.
Except for a few, almost everyone makes me mad.
I can't wait to go to college.
I want new friends.
But, obviously, i'll keep some of the old. :)

Also. I gave blood today.
I had 47% iron, and that was cool.
You only need 38% to give. :D
And then, they said i had amazaing viens! :)
I felt SO GOOD after i did it, i hope to do it again.
Although i felt a little tired after, but i don't mind.

Life is life, it is nice, it has downfalls, but i like it.
I know nobody even uses blogger anymore, but that is ok with me.
If you read this, then you know i love you. <3
Have a wonderful day.

1 year.

I've been single for 1 year today.
September 25th.
But, last year it was on a Saturday.
And i remember Set Crew.
You were there for me when i came in, crying.
You were there for me through everything.
I cried a little yesterday.
It's so unreal.
A whole year alone?
And i'm still not over him.
I haven't kissed anyone in a year.
I miss everything.
Yesterday sucked.
But today was better.
I woke up and FINALLY
Deleted all the texts i had in my phone from Andy.
There is no hope for that anymore.
He obviously doesn't like me anymore.
And, Andrew texted me today.
About bowling.
I doubt he realized what today was.
He was never one for remembering dates.
It's been a year.
A good enough year.
A hard year.
I want to move on.
Time i have.

I just thought i'd let everyone know.
This is a monumentous weekend for me.
But, that's just me.
It's just some numbers.
365 days, so what?
I can hardly believe it.
I don't know how i feel.
Just amazed 1 year went by so fast.
So many memories.
So many things changed.
I know i'm happy, but for some reason
I keep wanting to cry.

Why hello.

I mis her. i don't know.
I just hit me.
Like, 10 seconds ago.
I miss my sister.
She hates coming home from college,
And never wants us to come down to see her.
I haven't spent more than two months with here since
She was in high school.
I don't really have a sister.
I have been on my own so much.
And now, my friends never want to hang out.
For the past two saturdays, i've hung out with my parents.
And even they are reluctant to bring me into a bar
Just so i can have food and social time.
They hand out with their friends more than i do.
What's wrong with me?
I just wanna get out of here.
Nobody cares anymore.
I sat in my house all day today,
And our heater is broken so it was 60 degrees.
And i just felt like crying all day.
I was so alone.
Even the dog didn't want me.
Ugh.
I was so cold i couldn't do homework.
I sat under a blanket all day wishing i had a life.
I feel so lost lately.
The weekend rolls around and i'm the lamest kid ever.
And i'm a senior in high school.
So much for the best part of my life...

But on the bright side,
Mail from 3 college friends is fabulous. :)

And in other words, i'm a push over.
My freshmen called me one day and asked for a ride home.
So i drove him home.
He uses me for rides,
He is probably the only person to be able to do that ever,
And he doesn't even know how special he is to me.
I'm such a creep.
Ugh.
Life...
Yeah.

So much to say.

Well, i guess it was last thursday morning,
Drew told me how he felt, and i just told him
I didn't want to date anyone. But, it sucked.
"I've liked you for a really, really long time."
"I think you're a super awesome person."
"Spending the last month of my life with you has
Been the best month of my life."
"Being with you is better than seeing Edward Sharpe live."
"I think you're super cute."
"I can't stop thinking about you."
...and so on.
He still tries to act like nothing happened,
But i wish he would leave me alone for a while.
It is just too weird he still talks to me a lot.
I just don't want that right now. That's all.

-----

Also. I've been really busy lately.
It isn't fun.
School just started, shouldn't it wait a while
BEFORE it kills me? Guess not...

-----

Life is just crazy.
Being a senior is crazy.
Going to the football game and only hearing
My class mates names being called over the loud speaker.
Kids my age are doing that football thing, and winning.
It is crazy.
I mean, i myself am a section leader!
And taking a college class! Ahh!
And i don't know why but i feel weird lately.
I think i might actaully want to go to college.
I'm taking a visit to central and simpson soon this month.
I just want to get away from Waverly.
Everything is bugging me about it.
I just want something new. Something exciting and scary.
I want the decisions to be up to me for once.
Plus, ever since my older friends went to college,
Life just hasn't been the same.
I mean, i don't wanna be that needy freaky friend,
And you've only been gone for a week,
But i really miss you.
And i don't know why.
I just find myself getting sad sometimes because i miss you so much.
It's pretty strange.
I hope you got all 3 of my letters.
I'll write more soon.
I just feel different.

I think i'm ready for change.

And i want you to know.

When you go to bed worrying over something,
And then you wake up and it hits you again,
It seems worse, it seems really bad.
I'm not sitting in my house freaking out.
I'm being me.
Today, i listend to over two hours of DUBSTEP
Online, and i don't care if it makes me a hipster/poser.
I love it. ^.^
I'll have to man up and tell drew, but that's life.
I'm not running away to college, either.
It just seems new and exciting.
New people.
Not the same since kindergarten! :)
And for everyone in/heading to college,
You'll do great.
I'll still be here being your friend in Wave town you can
Come back and see whenever. :) :) :) :)
Life is good.
Things happen, but i shouldn't dwell on them.
I have so much going for me right now,
I should stop being a whinny teenager. ;)
I really hope everyone is having a good day!
It is beautiful outside. Enjoy it. <3

Not okay..

Last night i had a great time marching and then i went to the dance and it was AMAZING. Probably the best dance i have ever been to even though i was only there for 1.5 hours. :P
But then everyone left and someoen drove me around to the back of the school where my car was and drew was back there and then it was just drew and i.
and i had said earlier that i didnt want to go home and my curfew wasn't for a while.
so we ended up sitting in the back of his truck listening to music. but we were sitting with our legs stretched out and all of a sudden his foot touched mine. not like in beat to the music just once out of nowhere.
so i waited a minute then pulled my feet away so it didn't look connected.
then i looked down and i saw his hand was all limp next to me like he wanted to hold hands. so i said i had to go and baiscally left. then i took a longer way home cuz i was trying to avoid him but then i saw his car parked by the cemetary which is past his house on the way home as if he was checking i was going home.
He's going to mess everything up. He is just a good friend and thinking of dating him makes me want to vomit. i felt so sick when i saw his hand last night.
I've tried to avoid hanging out with him, but we have the same wartburg periods off so it is really really hard when he is looking to hang out everyday during the time and i can't say i want to be alone in the auditorium.
I wish he knew he was fucking everything up. Now we won't just be friends. Maybe i'll just get a new set of friends, away from the 'guys'.
I mean, things like this make me WANT to leave for college so i can have a fresh start. Y U NO understand i just want to be friends! STOP CARING. STOP ASKING IF I'M ALRIGHT EVERY FIVE SECONDS. I'M ONLY NOT ALRIGHT CUZ YOU'RE MESSING EVERYTHING UP!

And maybe, it's me. It happened with Alex where i got close to him and then didn't want to date him. Maybe after Andrew i can't date/trust for a while.
Or maybe the people just aren't right for me.
All i know is the year is going to suck.
I'm going to have to tell him.
I don't know how it will go.
But i do know this sucks.
He is too much of a friend and brother to ever date.
Plus he is awkward. It's ok when we're friends but i don't want to date an awkward person. It would make this terrible situation worse.
I think i'm done talking now.
I'm going to just do nothing this weekend, hopefully.
Because this sucks. :/

:)

I recently aquired some mosquito bites,
I guess i think they were from a mosquito...
Anyway, and they got infected.
I'd just like to throw it out there that
I didn't itch them a lot.
But they got infected and big and red
TWO DAYS before school started.
So, the first day i wore knee high socks.
But then yesterday and today i wore nylons.
It reduced the redness levels
(They were big and red and sometimes purple.?)
And it kinda made me look tan, too.
And i know my mom didn't say it on purpose
And it wasn't suppose to mean anything,
But my grandma Grace use to wear nylons everyday.
Whether she was wearing pants, shorts, or a dress.
And, she was an amazing woman, and i miss her.
And, being compared to her made me happy.
:)

Hm.

We moved Kim into college yesterday.
Today was my first day as a Senior.
Maybe, just maybe, i'm ready to leave this town.
My life feels sorta empty without this one graduated girl now.
And i have my two best friends to keep me going.
You two are great.
And i have some pretty cool newer friends,
But my once bff?
I'm not sure.
Maybe i just have early senioritis.
Maybe i was moody today.
It doesn't matter because in a year,
I'll be making some new friends. :)

I can't wait.

I can't wait until you leave.
You're bugging the crap out of me.
It isn't your fault, we're teens.
But it will help our relationship
If you went back to Pella.
What? Oh, yes. Tomrrow sounds lovely.

Haha i'll miss her, i will.
But right now we're fighting a lot.
I can't believe my sister is a sophomore in college.
It's crazy how time flies..

It's my last free day of summer.
I move her in tomorrow,
Then i'm a senior.
*YIKES*
I'm a little scared,
But very excited. :)

The more i think about it.

So, it's been a long time.
Church camp was amazing,
It was so sad it was the last year.
I loved seeing all my friends and
Meeting amazing new friends, too.
And that was good.
I've been meaning to wirte about it,
But now i have no ambition to do so.
I find i don't really like blogging anymore.
Maybe that's because i don't know what to write.
Well anyway,
I hope everyone is doing good. :)
Summer is almost over, but i mean being a senior
Should be a good time.
I'm sure of it. ^.^

Also.

I realized something the other day.
I have never gotten 1st place for anything in my life.



Just let that sink in.
It hurts.
I'm always sub par to everyone.
I hate it.
I wish i was smarter.
Or just smart enough.
Or talented at SOMETHING.
But i'm not.
I never have been the best.
I haven't even been good enough.
I just find it strange.
Maybe someday, thought, i'll win something.

Well.

I leave for camp tomorrow.
I'll be back the 29th. :)
But i have phone and computer so no worries.
WIYLDE. 4th year.

As far as boys.
I give up on him.
He is a jerk.
Nuff said.
His loss, right?

Also, summer is ending,
So call me to hang out!
<3

2 weeks ago.

It has been about two weeks since i've last posted.
The visitation was nice.
I spent most of my time with my family and cousins.
I got to talk to some cousins i don't usually.
Thanks for coming to the visitation, btw.
It was nice to actally know a face, haha.
The funeral was hard.
My Grandma's name was Grace.
My granpa requested we sing Amazing Grace at his funeral.
It is the only time i cried.
"And Grace will lead you home".

There was more family time in the days that followed.
Then i think for about i week i just stayed in my house and read.
I finished all the Harry Potter books and went to the premier Friday.
It was good, i went again yesterday.
I guess i haven't been doing anything for a long time.
Herritage days was this weekend.
That was a pretty good time.
I don't know.
I always feel like i have so much to write,
But when i get here i never remember...

So much to say..

Well, i guess i should start with friday.
It seems so far away now...
My grandpa was doing really good last week,
He was losing his voice, but he was feeling ok.
He was in a little bit of pain, but friday it was bad.
I thought he was ok until i got a call around 7.
I was to come up to the house because my
11 year old cousin was too young to be up there.
Apparently, my grandpa was going 14 seconds before breathing,
And he was sweating and wasn't responding.
I sort of 'woke up' after i took my cousin to a park,
But i took her home around 9 anyway and went back up to
My grandpas house.
My sister finally got home and got to see him.
He was really weak and kept slipping into sleep midsentence.
Kim and i said goodbye and went home.
I slept very hard apparently that night because i didn't hear
The phone at 1.
My grandpa, the smartest and most talented man i know,
Passed away a little before 1 Saturday morning.
Apparently my parents left and went to the house
And came home around three.
The visitation is tomorrow and the funeral is wednesday.
I miss him, but i am not too sad because he went quietly
And was surrounded by his children.
He is now with the woman he never stopped loving.

To transition,
Saturday (after hearing the news)
I still went down to the 80/35 concert in des moines.
I got to see Edward Sharpe and the Megnetic Zeros!
It was an amazing day.
I watched a hardcore band before Edward Sharpe, and
We fought our way THROUGH THE MOSH PIT to the front
To see Edward Sharpe.
I got a spot on the fence, i was FRONT ROW!
Even some photographers took pics of me!
( http://desmoines.metromix.com/content_image/full/2704312/560/370 )
Alex Ebert came and jumped onto the fence by me and i
TOUCHED HIM! MULTIPLE TIMES! <3333333
Then, after an AMAZING CONCERT
We were walking on a street in Des Moines, and met
JADE CASTRINOS of the band, and i hugged her!
It was an amazing day.
Easily the best day of my life so far. :)

Between that and family time, my weekend has been full.
I was glad i was able to not think about my grandpa too much
At the concert. He wouldn't have wanted me to miss it for him.
I am doing ok actaully.
I just thought you all would like to know why i have been
At home the past few days...
I am going to the fireworks tonight.
It isnt' that i don't love my grandpa,
Milton Carl Westendorf was an amazing man.
But he wouldn't have wanted me to stop my life for him.
I've cried over it, but life is really busy right now.
I hope everyone is having a safe and wonderful 4th of July.

Also, boys are dumb, but they don't matter anyway, right?

The glass is half full.

Yesterday, a bomb was dropped on me.
They were putting my grandpa in hospice,
And the hospice gave him 6 months.
The doctor, said we might have a few weeks.
My aunt, a nurse, said we'd be lucky for 3 weeks.
I haven't seen him since last week.
At least all of my family lives in iowa.
They almost all live in Waverly,
And everyone is here to see him.
It's going to get rough.
He has fast-growing cancer in his lungs.
Soon, he might not be able to breathe.
I just hope he can soon rejoin the love of his life.
I hope he goes like my grandma..
One morning when i was in 4th grade, i was walking
Down the stairs to get breakfast.
Sunny morning, spring time. The week of mothers day.
I heard my mom talking on the phone,
So i sat on the landing and listened.
My grandma had passed away.
I didn't go to school that day.
But, it is an amazing story.
My grandpa was in the bathroom getting ready for the day.
My grandma went in to get a glass of water and went back
To bed to lay down for a while.
When my grandpa came into the bedroom,
He noticed she wasn't breathing.
That was it.
It was ruled as 'natural causes', but that didn't
Rule out a heart attack.
We in the family know that was probably what it was.
It brought the family together.
The night before we had all been at the house because
My cousins were back from arizona, and were staying
With my grandparents.
Ironically, my uncle was a paramedic.
My grandpa called him downstairs,
But my grandma was already gone.
I just hope my grandpa does not suffer.
I want to see him, but i hope he does
Not suffer, my only wish.



As far as thing totally unrelated..
MIA=missing in action, i didn't know where you were!
And i felt motherly becuase they are rambunctious friends.
I wanted you to be there, you're one of my closest friends!
I was very happy you came, don't worry.
Also. Hello :)

Strange Dream.

I have gotten very little sleep today so,
After eating breakfast with my dad today,
I took a small nap.
I dreamed something strange...
It was horrible!

I dreamed it was back to my birthday, and i was having two parties. One of friday night, and one on saturday night. The Friday night party had been filled with a little over ten or fifteen close friends, cake was had, it was a good time.
My dream was about the saturday night party. It was cloudy out, and none of my friends were there yet. Cassie and Sarah were out of town. Sarah was at camp...Cassie was MIA haha. well, a dark green van arrived, and, though it had just rained, it drove crazily through my backyard and parked behind the blue shed. I thought it looked a lot like a kid's van i knew in band, but i wasn't really close to him. Then, a LOT of people i didn't know/like very well got out of the van. Wrestlers and preps. and they just started congregating and sitting and talking on my yard! I didn't invite any of them! Nobody i even invited was there yet! My mom wasn't understanding that i didn't want these people here and that this was a disaster! I ran inside the house and started cry, so my mom asked why i was crying? I told her i just needed to call me friend. I called sarah when i was upstairs alone, but after i told her what was going on she didn't answer so i figured she was just busy. I stoped crying and went downstairs, only to find my mom still not understanding why i didn't want people i didn't invite at my party! There were close to fourty poeple, that was a lot! Well a kid who looked like a short wrester i hate (but wasn't him because the 'real' him was on my lawn talking to friends) started talking to me, he was really nice and i felt bad for judging him because he was a wrestler. He carried me over to the group of popular people and my mom was saying 'you should take this opotunity to get to know these people!' and i did NOT want to. Then i saw a few people that i had actaully invited, so it wasn't as bad. I just kept having fits everywhere and crying because i didn't invite these people and i didn't even like them! Then, my mom called everyone inside our garage for ice cream cake. There were so many people, there wasn't going to be enough cake! I didn't invite these people! I was the last person to wander into the garage, i saw someone i INVITED and asked them how my make up was. They said it was ok. I took a chair in the back, expecting my mom to call me up to blow out the candles. Most people here hadn't even said HELLO to me, (maybe even EVER in the lives!) none-the-less happy birthday to me! Well, my mom didn't call me up. Candles were lit, and some other person standing up there next to the cake blew out my candles! I guess my mom figured that i didn't want to be at the party anymore. As they all joined in singing 'Happy Birthday' (To whom, may i ask?!?!?) i ran out of the garage, screaming in anger and frustration and crying very hard. I heard a girl say 'spoiled brat', and i went back in and wrongfully accused a nice girl who just graduated, but was kinda preppy, of saying it. "I didn't even invite you, ok? and you're calling me spoiled? This is suppose to be my party!" I was so mad! I ran out of the garage and across my front lawn and into the orchird as fast as i could. I ran to the corner and his in the weeds. I could hear them singing still. I opened my phone, and pressed the the 4 on my phone (speed dial for CJ, correct in realy life too!)
This is where i woke up, confused and worried that i had just cried in my dream (not in real life) for the past house basically.
What does this all mean, anyway?
I just feel so angsty after this dream...

Senior?

I cannot believe i'm about to have my senior pictures taken!
Granted, under normal circumstances, i wouldn't do it so early.
But, since my lovely photographer is going to DC soon,
I thought it best to do it now. So excited! :)

My grandpa has to ok to eat food again! :)

Where did summer go? It's almost July already!

Boys are silly but i don't care.

I hope Spain is amazing...see you all soon!

I still think this is a pretty good summer.

It's a BEAutiful day out, enjoy it! <3

ANdrew(Y)

Andrew

The only reason i have not actually told you off for still being in my life is because my coaches consider you a son and once told me i handled the break up in a very professional manner. It'd be nice if you stopped trying to hang out with me though. I have been 'busy' for over 5 weeks....get the hint. I guess you really are as stupid as people said. Sometimes i can't believe i dated you.

Drew

Everyone says you like me. But i see you as a brother and a friend. Everyone says i should date you, but that would be weird. Like, really weird. Not to mention i love your now ex, i just couldn't do it. Not now at least. I thought we were good friends? Why Y U NO let it be like that?

Andy

At the begining of May my friend said i would be cute with you. You texted me out of nowhere one night, and i was so excited. I really liked you! That trailed off and i began to lose hope.... Then, the other night, you texted me again! And you have texted me for quite a few nights now! And everyone says you are a jerk, and everyone says you're a tool, but as a teenager, i have a right to make (more) stupid relationship decisions. I like him, he makes me SO happy when he texts me, and if this has any sort of a future, it'd make me so excited.

I know you don't like him a whole lot..and if it came down to it, friends are more important to me. I already almsot lost all my friends because of my last relationship. But i just wanna have fun this summer...That's all.

Wishes..

I wish i could tell you how i feel.

I wish you knew how i felt about you.

I wish things would just work out.

I wish i was stronger.

I say this for more than one person..

17.

I turned 17 at 1:19 in the afternoon.
I spent the day walking around town with some people.
It was quiet and nice.
I am very excited for this weekend.
This looks to be a good, good summer. :)
I don't quite know what else to say.
I still like him but i know i shoudn't..
And it sucks.
But, life looks good right now,
So i'm trying to stay positive! :)

Better

My mom just got home from the hospitol.
Apparently they went in to check my grandpa out
And there is no cancerous growth
On his tongue or esophogus!
He still has cancer in lungs and body,
But it is the best news possible.
And for that, i am thankful. <3

I Hate Cancer.

I'm going to be honest and say i don't know
What exactly to write.
I'm still trying to come to terms myself.

When i was in seventh grade,
They gave me grandpa 3 years to live.
He outlived it and has been
Living life to the fullest.
He has some cancerous growths, but
They were able to be removed.
This weekend he couldn't swollow.
He hasn't eaten in a week.
Now, he can't talk.
We hoped this was a side affect of
Radiation and hoped it would pass.
Today, i found out he has cancer
On his lungs, esophogus, and tounge.
The one thing, the ONE thing
My grandpa needs to survive,
Is his abbility to talk.
He knows more than anyone i've ever met.
He is amazingly smart.
He knows everyone in town and their stories.
And now, i have to come to terms with the fact
That before summer is over,
I will no longer have a grandpa.
Sorry if i don't want to hang out this summer.
Sorry if i cry.
Sorry if i call just to cry.
Some days i'll need people,
Some days i won't.

My father runs a funeral home.
I wasn't afraid of death.
Until today.
When all my other grandparents died,
I didn't understand.
I was 4rd grade and below.
Now, i understand death and love.
I love my grandpa, but he is going to die.
Life is cruel.
The ONE thing he wanted to keep he couldn't.
I'm afraid my family won't get together anymore now.
He is what is holding us together.
I'm scared.
And i cry when i drive past his house.
Which is everyday.
The only thing that makes it ok is soon,
He will be with the wife he never stoped loving.
The wife he never yelled at.
They were the perfect couple.
My grandma was taken from me when i was in 4th grade.
Death is hard.
So is life.
Again, sorry if i'm down this summer.
My mom told me to not stop living my life for him,
But it is a harsh reality.
I just hope he does not suffer.
He is too great of a man for that.
I love him. So so much..

Whatever a good title for a blog post is..

Hello there.
I recently got myself a twitter.
TWO PEOPLE are folling me.
FML, right? Ha.
I'm not too concerened since i'm only
Following three haha.
Ok, but honestly,
I found his twitter.
And...msot of his tweets are about
How he thinkgs nobody cares about him.
I just wish there was a way i could show him
That i care.
Sometimes i wonder if i even should.
But i can't help the way i feel..

Enough about boys.
They're dumb anyway.
I'm excited for summer
And i hope it is one filled with friends!
I'm excited. My last monday is over for the year! :)

Neuro Bliss

http://drinkneuro.com/products/bliss
I drank that today... ;)
Uhm, Yeah janseville kid and i haven't
Exactly talked since the unicorn incident.
Except very SMALL talk at lunch today. :/
But, everything else was good today.
It might have been the neuro bliss but idk. :)
I like talking to you again. :)
I'm glad nothing has changed.
And, i'm not even too bothered by the
Guy-not-liking-me-thing.
If it works, i'll be happy.
If it doesn't, then that is fine too.
More fish in the sea, green grass blah blah blah. :)
I'm just...happy.

ihateyou.

I only even started THINKING about you
Because someone said that you liked me.
And maybe you didn't and they just wanted to see.
Well, maybe i just don't know anything.
You jokingly said you liked unicorns.
And that you wanted to get one.
So i got you a TINY one.
And you were a jerk about it.
Whywhywhy?
Yesterday i showed up in your town,
Actaully believing that you would want to see me.
I hate this.
I just don't know what i'm doing.
I'm so happy when i'm with you.
And when i see you, i can't breathe.
Stop making this so hard.
I'm obviously head over heels for you.
So stop being a dick..

What do i do?

Do i text him first?
Should i wait for him to text me?
Will he text me?
Am i too annoying?
Am i too blonde?
Does he even like me?
Am i crazy?

This has never happened to me before.
I don't know what to do.
Why do i have to fall so hard so fast? :/

Happiness

Wells, my new car is spify and i like it.
There are only three weeks left of school.
Two for a lot of my friends.
I'm a little scared. :/

On a completally different note.
Last monday, my friend told me
That i would look really cute with this one guy.
We started texting this weekend.
He's super cool.
And, i really like this.
It is different than before.
With Alex, i never felt quite right
When i was around him.
I was always super uncomfortable near him.
It's not tha way with this kid.
I got to know him a little when he was in band.
When were friendly enemies, i'd say.
I always figured i bothered him a little.
Now, it's not that way.
How quickly can frienemies change to flirting?
In one text message.
I bet you've already guessed who it is.
The only problem is, he is a janesville kid.
Does that bother you? I hope not.
I still value your opinion as a friend.
But, on the other hand, i really like where i'm headed right now. :)

A need to blogg about nostalgia...

I often find myself talking to inanimate objects.
I especailly talk to my car.
My ghetto car.
So many things have happened in that car.
It was litterally the first car i EVER DROVE.
I learned everything in that car.
It helped me through times of pain.
And i believed it could live longer each time
Something broke on it.
My dad bought the car, a dodge neon with a
Chrysler key ;)
When i was in jr. high for my sister to drive.
It is sporty and looks cool, but she didn't like it,
So my sister and dad traded cars.
She began driving his car, and he, the ghetto car.
Who, at the time, was not ghetto.
Sure, it didn't go 'fast' but it is a little car.
My dad drove it for a while and it was pretty good
For him, he didn't have many troubles.
Then, i took drivers education, and eventually
Got my lisence! :)
My dad let me have the neon.
The car....the car....MY CAR.
I had a CAR!
The first time i ever drove it alone,
The first time i ever DROVE alone,
Was in the summer on the way to Muniband practice. ^.^
Over the summer the car and i bonded quickly.
Sometimes i would push it, but in the end,
We were happy with eachother.
It didn't do anything amazingly,
But i loved it.
Near the end of summer, the car starts to
Make noises, GRINDING noises when i braked.
Only then it make the noise anytime i was
Under the speed of 15 mph. slowing down or speeding up.
Apparently, my brakes were UTTERLY shot, so i got new ones.
Then, my car door started to act up.
It, being a two door car, really needed 2 working doors.
The passenger side door stopped working for a while,
And basically at one point the outside part of the door
And the inside part of the door were nearly disconected.
Everytime someone ripped open the door from outside
It would tear even more.
People didn't know, but it pained me to see it hurt.
People were careless sometimes.
We have now finally fixed the door issue. :)
The car this winter began to have to engine issues.
The car starts really hard, sometimes i have to turn and
Hold for two or three seconds while it luggs itself to life.
But i love it.
My car makes it so my uncle, a mechanic, sees me a lot. :P
Then, my car's temperature gague decided to start spiking.
"Carolyn, it's really hot in here! ding ding ding!" It would say.
"No, car, it's not! You're just broken!" i would say.
Come to find out, it is nothing, it spikes for no reason.
It still does this.
Along with this. my check engine light has been on for months.
At least 3. Hahaha.
And did i mention my car barely goes above 65 on a GOOD DAY?
My mom won't let me even drive to JANSEVILLE with it anymore.
55 is pushing it a lot.
I've locked myself out of it TWICE.
But once my friend and i broke into it. ;)
The drivers side window doesn't roll up all the way,
So sometimes when it rains, i sit in water.
And one day, the gas tube that connects to tank to the
Outside of the car, fell off.
So i couldn't put gas in it for a while. :P

My car has had it's ups and downs.
But, it's seen my through EVERYTHING.
My car kept me safe while i BALLED MY EYES OUT
Driving to set construction one day.
It was the first car i fishtailed in.
Or ate a parking line with.
Or ate a curb with. >.<
It's listend as i told it everything.
I love it.
I'm the only one who believes in it.
I KNOW it makes it to Janesville,
But my mom won't let me take it there.
It is a good car.
So many more things than these have
Gone wrong with my car, but i love it.
It is the best car in the world to me.
I love it because it is ghetto.
Because, though it shakes when i go over 60,
It is my first car.
And, i'm very attatched to my 'first' things.

Yesterday, my father bought me a new car.
New-to-me. 1997 chevy lumina i believe.
It has a cassette player! :O
Even the ghetto car had a cd player! :P
But, it is supposedly a great car.
Only 95,000 miles on it.
AND i can take it to WATERLOO even!
WHEREVER I WANNA GO!
But, i can't help it.
I know the ghetto car is jealous.
The day we got the 'new car',
The check engine light in the ghetto car,
That has been on for MONTHS, shut off.
It knows i'm trying to replace it.
And, again i cried in my car.
I don't want to leave it.
I want to keep this car forever,
But i would just keep getting harder.
I can't take it to college, or anywhere really.
But, i just what the car to know how much i love it.

Dear Ghetto Car,
I love you.
I've always believed in you.
You've seen me at my best.
You've seen me at my worst.
I have loved the time we've spent,
And i've begged my parents to let me keep you.
I've fought for you, but the battle is uphill.
(Both ways in the feezing sleet, actaully!)
I will always love you, you were my first car.
Sincerely with love from the bottom of my heart,
Carolyn Rose Corson. <3

:)

I just facebook stalked myself back to June
Of last year.
I relearned or at least remembered a lot. :)
I seemed to get sadder as the year went on. :P
But anyway, this song is amazing and,
I wanted to share it with you.
Yes, you. :)
Just, remember this.
Maybe i'll see all ya'll at 7 in the Aud tonight?
Kbyeeeee. :)

* You've gotta swim
Swim for your life
Swim for the music
That saves you
When you're not so sure you'll survive
You gotta swim
And swim when it hurts
The whole world is watching
You haven't come this far
To fall off the earth
The currents will pull you
Away from your love
Just keep your head above

I found a tidal wave
Begging to tear down the dawn
Memories like bullets
They fired at me from a gun
A crack in the armor
I swim to brighter days
Despite the absence of sun
Choking on salt water
I'm not giving in
I swim

You gotta swim
Through nights that won't end
Swim for your families
Your lovers your sisters
And brothers and friends
Yeah you've gotta swim
Through wars without cause
Swim for the lost politicians
Who don't see their greed as a flaw

The currents will pull us
Away from our love
Just keep your head above

I found a tidal wave
Begging to tear down the dawn
Memories like bullets
They fired at me from a gun
Cracking me open now
I swim for brighter days
Despite the absence of sun
Choking on salt water
I'm not giving in
Well I'm not giving in
I swim

You gotta swim
Swim in the dark
There's no shame in drifting
Feel the tide shifting and wait for the spark
Yeah you've gotta swim
Don't let yourself sink
Just find the horizon
I promise you it's not as far as you think
The currents will drag us away from our love
Just keep your head above
Just keep your head above
Swim
Just keep your head above
Swim, swim
Just keep your head above
Swim *


Hope you all have an AMAZING WEEKEND! :)

I'm still here.

Ok. Don't cry. I'll be here for you.
Look, if you're not busy tomorrow is the
Talent show..seven at the rada.
If you're already comming, good.
If not, you should. :)
I'll hug you and we can talk.
Or not, maybe just know.

Just, my life is less busy now.
If you wanted to try again, we could.
I still consider you a great friend.
And a great person.
Let's hang out sometime.
Maybe in a group first, then maybe alone.
I won't leave you.
You say there's only a year left.
I say, there is still a year left of great memories to make.
That is all i'll say... <3

Spoon River

The play was nice.
I was nervous the first night but last night
I was ok. I mean, it was actaully pretty fun!
Now that it is over......I'm not sure what to do.
Boys are boys and i'm tired of it.
They keep confessing love to me
And i dislike it. But to be honest,
He was weird anyway.
And the other one.
The one that really like me,
Well,
He still freaks me out.
I still feel weird around him.

But, there's this girl.
She is one of my favorie people ever.
And, in a few months, it will be the last time
I ever see her most likely.
And it makes me want to cry.
Maybe i'll just move to Germany.. <3

Jealousy.

I don't know why but sometimes i get weirdly jealous.
Like, when i see a friend and someone is talking to
Them who isn't really in our friend group, and i
Sometimes get kinda jealous.
It's really strange.
But tonight it went over the edge.
There is a guy at play i'm friends with,
And people are naturally drawn to him.
Even people he greatly dislikes. :P (Hahaha)
But i just don't understand how i can feel
Protective almost, of a guy i barely know.
Expecailly when a girl most of us don't like
Made a most disturbing comment.
And i wanted to cry because it was so wrong.
Girls were flippin shit over a guy, who
None of them even have a chance with him.
So, why did i feel so protective and pissed?
I just don't know..

My True Love

Last night i had a dream about a boy from Mock Trail.
He was on a team from somewhere in SE Iowa.
I tried to add him in facebook, but he never accepted. :/
In the dream his team was at my house, and he walked in
And i hugged him and blushed (As if we were dating?)
We went upstairs and were making out in my bathroom.
And now i'm stuck in my dream and in love with a
Boy who i dont really know and will probably
Never see again, he was a senior.
Then tonight on facebook i got a weird urge to look
At the wall of that guy from UNI i was once
Pretty obsessed with.
He is so dang cute but i know he's a jerk.

Right now, i just feel like i'm in love with some
Small/medium build brown haired guy.
And, it's strange, but at the same time, almost nice..

Well.

Not that it matters but i'd care if you deleted it.
I still want to know how you are.
What you're up to.
I miss you.
Just so you know.
:/

It feels like summer.

I don't know what i'm doing.
Everytime i get close to a guy,
I pull back and find a lame excuse.
Something so i can justify why i don't like him.
And this just means i'm stringing two
Innocent guys along.
I don't mean it.
I just don't know what's wrong.
Maybe, as much as i haven't showed it,
Andrew hut me so much i can't trust guys like i use to.
Maybe, i'm not ready to love again.
And maybe, i'm too judgemental, and
Shouldn't be allowed to like nice boys..

13 Little Blue Envelops.

I just finished reading this book.
It was really good but, i feel lost.
I get so caught up in reading books it all
Feels so real to me.
This book didn't have a clear ending.
Or a hinting of what she would do.
It just, ended.
It had closure but, did it really?
And yes, i know it is just a silly book but still.
Did she find love or did she leave it all behind? :/
I feel so lost.

Yesterday, alex came to my solo.
The only waverly person to.
Because i didn't want people to,
So i didn't tell them.
I was a bit suprised when i walked in he was there.
I still don't know how i feel about him.
I think he's getting the hint though...

That is how i feel about everything.
I just don't know. Still.
Tomorrow i go to allstate to cheer on my best friend.
But, at the same time, i'm worried.
I remember being like she is with that brandon guy from uni.
I don't want her to get hurt like i did.
(Because as we all know now, he's a giant jerk :P )

Seeing you yesterday, i felt nothing.
Are you happy now?
I pass you and i dont' even remember you were once my
Best friend.
When left to my own devices i've done just fine.
I have other friends, i'll be ok.
I hope you will be, too.
And just so it's not a total shock,
I bought tickets to see the jville musical (and dinner..)
I still have friends at that school that are in it.
I'm going Friday...I'm sure you'll do great. :)

I've decided to take the AP Exam.
Not until i decided to spend all that money did i realize.
I know nothing about our government.
Anyone who knows anything should help me out. :)
Hint...hint.... :)

Well....today is sunday.
I hope you are all doing good.
If you still read this, props to you.
I mainly post to record how i feel anymore.
But none-the-less, enjoy your day! :)

I didn't know.

Friday i was at play practice.
Some people where talking about
Mitch going to get something.....
And that's when i realized.
Nathaniel was in town.
Basically since i've gotten texting
We've been texting, but the past
Few weeks i had been busy so i didn't
Know he was coming home.
My first instinct was go run and give him
A really big hug.
Instead, i turned my face away hoping he
Didnt' see me.
I don't know why i did that.
I started to shake and sweat and i couldn't breathe.
Why were these things happening?
I was so confused.
He kept doing stuff but eventually i got to talk to him.
Everything i've been holding in for over two years.
I haven't seen him in over a year and a half.
It was so nice seeing him...i...just.........

That night i saw the variety show.
It was most excellent, but
Basketball boy was apparently having a party
After the show at his house.
Over ten people asked me if i was going to it.
So i went with a friend..
Only to find out it was (to my knowledge)
Rigged so it was just us.
Hmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmm. interesting.
It was slightly awkward but i got over it.
He IS awkward. xP
Which is why i'm not sure how much i really like him.
This all comes at a bad time.
Because as i previously noted, mitch was home.

The next morning was set constuction.
Mitch came to it and it was a good time.
I.......i..........i..........yeah.
This is why i waited so long to post this.
Everyone will be mad.
No one understands.
blah blah blah.
I don't know about Alex. He is new to me
And i can't figure him out at all.
I dreamed about mitch last night.
He dreamed about me.
I'm so confused right now.
Everytime i think 'this time.'
'This time when i see Alex, it will feel right'.
It never does.
I'm never comfortable around him.
But from what i hear EVERYWHERE else..
He's so into me.
He deserves a shot.
But....right now?
I can't stop thinking about mitch.
I find this to be the weirdest thing ever.
How is that even possible?
And...i...guess....
I just don't know. :/

Dreams.

Ever since that first night of state baskatball
On tuesday, i've been texting him a lot.
We've texted daily since i got his number.
But ever since tuesday, i've been having dreams.
And he is always in them!
Lasts nights was no exception.
They lost the state championship by
TWO POINTS! But it was an amazing game and
I think they are winners still.
(Because i kinda got into caring about basketball).
They were coming home from the game but i was so tired
I just couldn't stay up to text him.
So i went to bed.
I dreamed we were all at the Jr. High
At a welcome back party for the team.
I was avoiding going to find him because i was nervous
About seeing him, but i eventually went looking for him.
Sadly, the team was already in the 'locker room'.
It was weird. All i wanted to do was see him.
It's how i feel in real life too.
I've never hugged him in real life.
But i find myself doing it in dreams.
And wanting to in life.

And while we're on the subject.
I basically had ajz say he missed my last night.
And i said i didn't know what i wanted right now.
All i know is i don't want him anymore.
He's a bad person. I still feel motherly
Protective over him, but not much else.
I was freaking out when he texted me
"So, i miss you".
But then the literal boy of my dreams texted me.
I got instantly happier.
And despite things people say about him,
People still want me to date him.
And, for now, i just want to see him.
And hug him. :)
We'll find out tomorrow......... :D

Bam.

I finally did it.
I got down on one knee,
And asked her to prom. :)
Haha, i'm happy she'll be there.
She's like my other half.

In other news...
I still really like him.
But i can't go to the game tomorrow
Because i'll be at speech D:
I hope to watch them on TV.
It would be nice. :D
I want to talk to him.
Like...we text a lot but..
In person would be nice. :P

Also. The game yesterday??
FUCKINGAMAZINGOHMYGOD!!! :D
The ally-oop? YES!
I was sitting right behind it,
I wanted to win SO BAD!
Check my face out in the pic!

----> Check the bottom left corner >.<
http://www.facebook.com/#!/photo.php?fbid=206729256004605&set=a.206729159337948.55266.100000025970461&theater

Yeah ;)

Ok, First off i understand you.
I can't quite say i've changed, but it's cool.
I will always smile and wave, because i care
About you as a friend.
Take some time off, i'll be ok.
I'm here if you ever need someone else. :)
I was never sure how to balence the different
Friend gropus i'm in, but that's whatever.
You are a great friend, i'm happy for you. :)

But, on a different note.....
I really, really like him. :D
He got on the court yesterday and looked right to me
And smile. :) :) :) :) :) :) :) :) :) :)
Then, we proceeded to text on the entire bus ride home.
He has to stay at state till they lose
Or rather, WIN the entire thing. :D
I just....something really changed yesterday.
I just like him a lot.
Everything is just so easy to talk to him.
Prom is still unclear.
Do i go with my best friend so i can have her there?
Or do i invite the boy i barely know but really enjoy?
I am uncertain.
But, i get nervous thinking about him.
Seeing him.
Thinking of seeing him. :)
I haven't felt this in quite a while.
It might have snowed last night,
But spring is in the air for sure... <3333

Ps. Yesterday was fun being with my friends at the
Game with the pep band too. :)
Love all that.

Hm.

I saw him today.
But only because he really wanted to see me.
He made it sounds like he came home for me.
I don't want to date him again,
I just feel protective over him.

Last night was nice.
Things always go wrong, but that's life.
I just...don't know anymore.
I think i like someone,
But i talk myself out of it for dumb reason.
The only thing that's dumb is me.

I think...

I'd call it a date.
It was on what would have been
TWO YEARS.
With someone else.
It made me not even think of Ajz.
On the day that would have been TWO YEARS.
It was awkward and in a group,
But i'd call it a date. xP

Hm.

First. We took 10th at state.
It was a lot, a lot of fun!
The boys took 6th.
Dylan took 4th individually and
I took 9th idividually!
Out of every girl bowler in Iowa. :)
Anywho. Fun fun fun.
227 167 158.

Secondly.
Tomorrow would have been two years.

Sports.

Yesterday was SUBSTATE for bowling.
It was a full day.
Left around 9.
Arived a little after 10.
Waited around for an HOUR.
Tripoli and North Iowa,
Our biggest competitors,
Were sharing a lane.
We shared a lane with Vally Luthern.
We kept checking the Tripoli/NI lane
To see if we were behind.
After two individual games, i thought
Waverly girls were down.
(Though, something impressive happend!
A sophomore on the boys team for NINE STRIKES
In a row! We stopped caring about our game and just
Waited for him to go. "Did Trevor go yet? I'm so nervous
For him! I hope he gets a nother strike!"
He got a 267 and won the individual award overall).
Bakers were neck and neck with tripoli, we were
Only 20 pins ahead at the start!
We had one really bad game, and so by
The last game, we were only up 11 pins.
They finished first. 126.
We had 124 in the 9th.
We had WON!
Our last frame was STILL a 9 spare strike anyway. :)
The boys, to NO ONES suppries, are also going to state!
Guess who's missing school friday?
THIS KID!!!
I love the team. it's so fun.
And states a fricken BLAST.
So i went home, feeling good, and lounged around.
Eventually my parents took me out for supper.
Joes Knight Hawk is my favorite place to eat.
I ate a whole burrito. So. Much. Food. :)
We stuck around for a while,
And after a bit some people from the Girls BBall game showed up.
I watched wrestling.
I WATCHED WRESTLING.
I started out just bored, but then i decided
I wanted the boys to win.
It's our school, so show school spirit!
Rinken lost, but he totally put everything he had
Into that match.
Then, there's Cody & Cody.
Both actaully nice guys.
Both winners.
I was proud.
Of WRESTLERS.
My usual enemy.
But every dumb/mean wrestler got beat out.
I loved yesterday.
So much excellent stuff,
Coming from these Go-Hawks.
Bowling Girls and Boys onto state!
Wrestlers got 2 top finishes AND a
FOUR YEAR outstanding winning streak.
All state Speech kids were rockin ;)
(I'm sorry i missed the family vacation,
I missed you guys so much! <3 )
And Girls BasketBall won too!
It's a great day to be a Go-Hawk! <3

Born This Way.

Lately, things have been busy.
I wish it would just..stop.
I don't want to be in the
Waterloo CF Symphony anymore.
I don't want to do Individual Speech anymore.
I haven't had a practice yet, and it's next saturday.
I don't even know how to DO Radio. :/
Mock Trial is Mock Trial.
A certain someone is possibly joining though.
Which could prove to be lovely..
Play is going to be fun.
Once i can have time to go to practices. :P
I had bowling everyday this week,
And hopefully next week i will too!
Aka that means we would be going to STATE!
Allstate is tomorrow for speech.
I'm getting a Tshirt even though i'm not going.
I advanced to it, i deserve one. ;)
I'm nervous for tomorrow.
Bowling is different than any other sport.
It all comes down to tomorrow,
All of our meets don't matter.
They're just numbers.
Whoever comes out on top tomorrow
Advances to state. Eek!
I just really want to go back again.. :)
Speaking of bowling...
We're going to Iowa Falls today to 'practice'
For tomorrow.
Can you say ROADTRIP? :D

Something else going on in my life.
My car is officially a town car.
It's pretty broken but can make it to school and back. :p
It dings at me and says it's hot in the car, but
Really it's not.
It's doing it more and more frequently.
And it's sorta annoying.
As much as i love the ghetto car,
It's being a little meanie right now. :P

Something else i'm not excited for--Prom.
Graduating Summer is playing at prom..
Basically a bunch of teens who graduated when i was
A FRESHMAN and none of them have done anythings
With their lives...except low-end jobs and pot.
So i'm not sure what's all going on there.
I'm still looking for a date.
I've had one offer...
But nobody wants to go to prom with Jon Taylor. xP
He said i wasn't the first to turn him down! Ha.
Nobody fun wants to go to prom now that GS ruined it.
Which in itself is hilarious. :D
Idk. It's not that big of a deal for me anymore.
If nobody wants to go i'll just stay at my cousin's wedding.
Idk. It's basically whatever. :P
I think that's all that's going on in my life right now.
I don't want bowling to be over but it may be over tomorrow.
And i'm basically never home for supper anymore.
I never even have time for myself right now.
It sucks. :P
So yeah.
That's that. I hope tomorrow goes well for me. xP
And i hope that if you actaully read this that you have a lovely,
Satisfying and fufilled weekend full of joy. :)
Because i love you. <3

----------
♫ I'm beautiful in my way,
'Cause God makes no mistakes
I'm on the right track, baby
I was born this way ♫

Winner winner!

Tonight, we won our third meet.
Against the team that was suppose to be
Our biggest challenge for substate.
Hopefully we will go to state.
I WANT TO GO TO STATE REALLY BAD!
Ha.
I did poorly tonight with a 114 and a 120.
But we all had fun.
It was out last regular/home meet of the season.
Now, next saturday, we will play for a chance to go to
STATE.
I want it.
I'll bring my A game. :)

Hopeing to have some fun this weekend.
Idk what i'll do yet.
Kimothy is home. :) Love that.
Shopping? I hope so!
Everyone else, have a LOVELY weekend
If you take the time to read these anymore.
I love you all. ;)
Ttyl! Teehee! <3

Sad.

I've been having an ok week.
Yesterday for bowling we went to Cedar Rapids.
Everyone brought food.
I brought cake balls.
There were also chocolate chocolate cookies,
Funfetti cookies, cheesecake cups, chocolate bars,
And caprisuns.
It was nice.
AND we got pizza hut after bowling! ^.^
The 14 of us downed 5 LARGE pizzas!
I had four slices myself,
The most out of the girls. :)
Bowling at marion was very fun.
I was anchor, and i was having a good night.
I had a 164 and a 179.
I left a pin out there, i could have had 180.
It bumped my collective average for the year to
144, claiming me the best bowler spot.
It seems low, but that's because i use to get 120s. :P
Substate is comming up!
SADLY, it is the SAME DAY SAME TIME as
ALL STATE SPEECH.
It's hard to make it to all state,
But i decided that since we're 1) nonpreforming,
And 2) we're only playing a dvd, i figured
Substate bowling was more important.
The team probably couldn't make it to state without me.
And i want to go to state again!
We had our last team practice tonight... :'(
Then i went to confirmation and actaully went to
CHOIR! I've skipped for over a month... xP
I walk in the door and my mom says 'did someone talk to you at church'?
"Who died"? An obvious question.
My mom just looked sympathetic.
It's bad to assume the worst, but i assumed my grandpa.
Turns out, it was my confirmation mentor.
We only met a few times, we were both busy.
She was a lovely woman, a little odler, and did
Something at UNI i'm pretty sure.
She gave me AMAZING presents for my confirmation.
Chickens in a 3rd world country, and trees too!
AND she had just returned from CHINA
So i got some AMAZING trinkets from the forbidden city! :)
I always meant to write her a follow up letter...
I drive past her house occasionaly.
I started crying.
How could i not care so much?
How could i be so mean?
All i had to do was write a few words and tell her how i was.
Mail it, and make her day.
But instead, i let her die without telling her.
I didn't even know she was sick.
I guess that's life..
:/

I miss summer...

Alabama Arkansas I do Love my Ma and Pa
But not as much as I do Love you
Holy Moly Me oh My your the apple of my eye
Girl aint never loved one like you
Man o Man your my best friend I scream it to the nothingness
that we got everything we need
Hot and Heavy pumpkin pie
Chocolate candy Jesus Christ
Aint nothin please me more than you

Home, Let me come Home
Home is Whenever Im with you
Home, yes I am Home
Home is wherever Im with you

Lalalala Take me Home
Mama Im Coming Home

I follow you into the park, thru the jungle thru the dark
Girl aint never loved one like you
Moats and boats and Waterfalls, Alleyways and payphone calls
I been everywhere with you
Laugh until we think we'll die, barefoot on a summer night
never could be sweeter than with you

like its only you and me jade/ebes your somethin to see

Lalalala take me home
Mama Im Comin Home

Jade, you remember that night you fell outa my window?
ya you came jumpin out after me
well, you were bleedin all over the place and I covered your ass with your dress and we went off to the hospital, you remember that?
ya
well there's somethin I never told you bout that night
what didnt you tell me?
well, while you were sitting in the back seat smokin a cigarrette you thought was gona be your last, I was fallin deep, deep in love with you, and I never told you till just now!

Home, let me come home, home is wherever Im with you
Home, yes I am Home home is whenever Im with you!

Alabama Arkansas I do love my Ma and Pa
Yes Home, yes ward! home is whenever Im with you!
Home is whenever Im with you.



Please stop snowing.
Soon. <3

idk

What to say anymore.
I'm sorry.






But that doesn't seem to cut it.
These endless tears don't either.
I'm tired and miserable.
Are you happy with your choice?
I hope so.
I'd just like to say i sincerely love
The last two years + we spent together as BFFs..
I still count you as a friend.
And i'd forgive everythin and try harder.
If you'd just say one word to me..
I miss you, me best friend.
Just..ponder this for a while, ok?

Bowling.

Yesterday we had a meet a Maple Lanes.
I had to leave the Winterfest assembly early,
But that was ok.
We did SO GOOD!
I got a 180 my first game, and for the first time
EVER i got all three strikes in the tenth frame.
My second game i got a 189!
Everyone was doing good, it was an easy shot.
WE EVEN BEAT THE OTHER TEAMS BOYSSS.!
Baker was AMAZING for once.
I felt so included.
I love my team.
It was an amazing night.
When i got back to waverly, i went to
A show Addison's band was doing.
Then i had some delicious pie!
And then..my parents took me out to eat too!
I went home, stuffed, and went to bed.

This morning, we had another meet.
Didn't do so hot, but still only lost by
Less than 100 pins.
We had team breakfast down at the ally, it was nice.
I love the freshman on the team, we make bets.
I told her once if she picked up a REALLY hard
Spare, i'd buy her bowling pants that FIT.
She didn't get it, but today jokingly i said i'd
Buy her underwear if she picked up an easier one.
She did.
Later on, she told me SHE'D buy me underwhere if i
Made the strike.
I did.
We're going underwear shopping now. xP
I'm excited.
I usually HATE underwear sections, but oh well!

Hopefully Monday i'll be able to go to a pancake party!
Bethbeth and i are planning. ^.^
If my car isn't dead.
Yeah, the ghetto car is dying... :'(

Btw? I didn't 'freak out'.
Just didn't understand why you couldn't tell me
You had plans with Sarah.
I couldn't go to the hypnotists anyway.
I had to be up early today..
Now i'm just chillin.
Waiting for the waltz.
Which should be a lot of fun.
If i like people.
Lately, i have HATED having social interactions.
NOT how it should be.
People piss me off fer no reason.
Whatever though.
I'm just going to dance and NOT care.
BECAUSE: My horoscope is:
Today might be one of the most fortunate days of your life, Gemini. Everything you've been striving for - romance, money, creative fulfillment - could fall into place at various times today. Expect exciting calls bringing good news. A lover could offer congratulations. The only downside is that all the stimulation could leave you exhausted. Never mind. You will sleep well!

So stick that in your juice box. ;)

Also...Pg-13 stuff xP

I'm just going to say it.
I don't see why sex is so big of a deal
When you're in high school.
I don't think of people differently if
They're had it a lot, a little, want it or not.
I just don't know why it's so big of a deal.
We're still so young we dont' even know what
We really want to do with our lives.
(Btw this is not some religous do good thing...
This is me and what i honestly think...)
It comes up a LOT in conversations, doesn't it?
Everyone talks about it.
Nearly everyone does it it seeems like.
I feel rather informed on the matter.
TV has taught me nothing.
It's not blissful and sweet.
It's apparently going to be painful (at first....)
And sweaty and awkward.
If i ever decide i ever want to have sex,
That person will be WAY more experience than i most likely.
Which will be weird.
It'll be me and my first time, but they'll know what to do.
And i'll be clueless.
It feels like if i DON'T start having sex in high school,
I'll be behind everyone else when i reach the
'Real World'.
Thankfully, my 'father' told me i'll die if i ever have sex.
Hahaha, but honestly i think i actaully would.
Even 'talking' about it, makes me almost cry.
From thinking of pain, and awkwardness.
It's very weird.
At one point, i wanted that boy, Nathaniel
SO BAD, i said i'd do 'anything' to have him.
I probably couldn't have done that.
As a freshman, especially.

So why did i just write a blog post on sex?
Because it's there.
Don't pretend you don't know it's not.
Everyone hears about who effed who at school.
Everyone hears who's a 'whore'.
Everyone knows someone who's done it.
Everyone knows someone who wants to.
Everyone knows it's right in front of our eyes.

I just...feel left out.
Not that i'd do it just to be included.
I want to wait until marriage.
Or at LEAST a solid engagement.
Because then i won't be drunk and tired
On my wedding night. :P
But. This is how i feel..

Yesterday..

We filmed from TV from 3-6ish,
Then we went out for supper at Subcity.
It was a lot of fun.
I haven't been with a lot of people
Like that in a long time.
I've never hung out with nd before, either.
After supper i was feeling a litte down,
But i got over it.
Everyone is just so nice.
It's just the nicest group of people ever.
Even if one would be burned alive in a church....?
Haha.
After, we wentto duos, and invited someone not in tv
Because he needed a friend.
I just. It's been so long since i've been with people like that.
I had a lot of fun yesterday.
I'm really glad everyone went to duos, because i didn't
Want the day of fun to end.
Since we're done filming now, i'm afraid we'll be done having
Lots and lots of fun, too.
So i was gone yesterday, from 1-3 to see my grandma.
I learned she met some famouse actors, and then
We traced my family back to the revolutionary war!
I'm a proud Daughter of the American Revolution now. ^.^
From 3 to basically 10:20 i was with tv people.
Social interactions?
Yes please. :)
I'm starting to WANT to see people again.
I don't want to be trapped in my room alone anymore.
And btw? It doesn't matter about prom.
I'm going, but idk who with, and it's not going to matter much.
I just want to go. that's all.
Even if it's months away, people are talking alread. :P
And btw, i'm super happy about you and DN.
I'd love to re-meet him now though... ;)
And btw...i'm just really happy right now.
I get to see my best friend today.
And even though kim just left, it feels like it won't be for long.
And the waltz is comming up.
And....I really, really like having social interactions.
People...make me happy.
So, thanks for everything yesterday, KLOL Channel 4 News. :)

Quickly.

I would probably not acutally go with ms.
I would really rather take you.
You know i won't have a date.
And as much as i want you to,
I want you at Waverly, youre my best friend.
I'll take you to prom.
Because i really care about you.
And i want to start having fun with you again. :)
Have a good day today everyone!
Ps. i've dreamed everynight since xmas break.
They're getting more powerful.
I can feel PAIN in them, that lasts the whole dream! O.o
Haha. well, contemplate that one! :)

I Just...

I know.
Everything revolves around me.
That's why i thought sn was mad at me.
Because she wouldnt' tell me waht was wrong.
So i thought it was just me.
You dont' call either.
You know i don't do anything anymore.
I spent all last night babysitting
And it'll probably be the highlight of my week(end).
At least sn asked if i wanted to go bowling.

I really miss having someone to tell everything to.
But most of all?
I miss haveing someone to tell anything to.
My mom suggested i get a boyfriend because i never go anywhere anymore.
At least then i'd do stuff and see people.

I know what you mean now.
I see you book it out of band everyday and i just want to cry everytime.
I started to cry a little last week when you did it one time.
I miss just having someone to talk to.
To listen to.
I'd give anything to have something.
I like you guys a lot.
But. you're to busy being together for me to hang out sometimes.

When i was a child i was better than my sister.
She couldnt' be alone for a few hours but i could last weeks without seeing friends or hanging out with people.
Now i can't do this anymore.
I need people to be happy.
Being alone drives me nuts.
Everyone you see me talk to is an attempt to have friends.
They'll never call to hang out,
But you used to.
I just hate using past tense on a frienship.
I'd try to not be self-centered just for you.
Just to have a friend.
To talk to.
Instead of a computer screen..

Well.

I had supper with Ajz today.
SAN is talking to me again.
I don't feel like talking much...
What's the point anyway?

:/

My horiscope today:
You may feel a great deal of nervous energy today, Gemini. Tension could come to you from all angles. Indecisiveness might be your biggest problem. You may be in a frenzy trying to figure out where to move next. The key is to slow down and relax. Don't make a move without evaluating things. Be careful about acting too hastily, especially when it comes to matters of the heart.


Sarah didn't text me, call me, message me,
Or anything once during break.
She never invited me into D&D.
She never calls or asks me to hang out.
She barely talked to me.
And if it was anything it was obvious stuff.
Always looking to get away from me today.
To talk to anybody but me.
Then, she sees you at lunch and runs to you.
All day she's been saying she's sore from soccer.
She can barely sit but she runs to you.

Just about cried today.
I've never had a fight with her.
We've always been best friends.
What am i going to do if/when i lose her?
I hate this.
Nobody asked to hang out over break.
I spent New Years feeling like i was invading
On the one person who would take me in
So i wouldn't have to spend it alone.
It's not like i'm running off with a boy all the time.
I'm not even busy.
But nobody asks.
And people...walk away from me in the halls
When i talk to them.
People, talk to eachother around me.
I don't even know why i try any more...?
Nobody noticed my new hair today.
I mean, i did it the day after break started.
I just..i hate people being so two-faced to me.
You're friends with me until it's inconvenient for you.
Then i'm just that weird kid nobody likes.
And i hate it.
That's how i feel.
I'm loosing my best friend(s).
And nobody care.
Thanks.