Oh..

The way it sounded to me was
That that the boy who was planning that party
Was having it at his house.
It's actaully put on by his gf who lives in
Waterloo.
And..if i would have known that i wouldn't have
Been so sad. But oh well.
I honestly don't feel like doing much today anyway.
I'd rather go to bed early and just be alone.
But i think i'm hanging out with someone.
I mean, i don't mind now.
And about D&D?
Sorry i got mad.
I hope you have fun tonight.
Because i want that for you.

Ring in the new year solo..

Yeah.
I've been trying to do something for New Years.
This morning, i learned why everyone is skirting
Around me with plans.
There's a party i wasn't invited to.
And...my sister was invited...?
But he's in my grade.
In my classes.
What the fuck?
She said i could go in her place.
Like that wouldn't be awkward.
Now i just want to sit home alone.
I know i'm weird.
Really different.
And very obnoxious.
But really?
Really?
My sister?
And not me?
I know we don't talk that much,
Bur she's been gone for months.
I mean..come on.
Last year i didn't get to be with Ajz
For new years and i thought that was horrible.
I think being a lone might just top that.
Yeah, i'm dwelling on it.
But i just don't care anymore.
No one else included me in their plans.
Maybe i'll go call some to see.
But...
Just so you know.
This really, really, hurts.
My sister isn't even going.
But..at least she got invited..

I don't.

Yeah. So Nathaniel asked me to hang out.
All these years, and i don't want it.
I don't like him anymore.
He's bad news bears.
All i ever try to do is cheer him up.
Somewhere i hope i didn't cross the line.
I don't want him to like like me.
And i just wouldn't want to see him in person.
It's be awkward.
For one, we only text.
For two, it would be a weird occasion anyway.

As for Ajz.
I thought i was over that.
I thought maybe i just wanted to protect him.
But last night i accidentally clicked on my photos
On my ipod.
I haven't cried in so long...
But last night i did.

I don't know how i feel about anything.
And on top of that, nobody asks to hang out anymore.
You at least get to see SN.
You at least got asked to be in D&D.
I didn't.
And i still don't know why not.

I wish it was simplier.
When i had ajz.
Then i remember.
I was just looking past the bad.

Why don't people make plans?
Everyone talks big,
But nobody follows through.
Why can't i be like when we were kids.
And the whole conversation is us
Talking to each other and our mothers.
Then letting out mothers talk to finalize plans.
Oh, nastalgia....

Umm..

About the whole Ajz thing...
Right now?
It's one of those times i don't like him.
I mean..he's a giant lier. for REAL.
I just...i was trying to make it perfect
So it would last but everyone else could see.
It wasn't perfect.
Another factor?
I sorta...maybe...
Texted dNathaniel all yesterday..?
Yeah. like...all day.
And idk how i feel about that.
I can't like him.
He's bad in his own ways.
But...we can be good friends.
I think.

Sometimes...

He acts flirtatious.
Sometimes he acts like he could care less.
Why do i push conversations?
I'm so back and forth...
I hate this...
WHY DO I STILL CARE ABOUT YOU!?!?
Someone help me...:/

What don't you understand?

I'm still in love with him.
There i said it.
I don't want to be.
He's bad. For me. For everyone.
But i spent to long protecting and making him better.
And i miss it.
I miss having someone to have.
And..i'm afraid i'll do things i shouldn't.
Like hang out with him again.
And i'm scared.
But i want to see him.
But i shouldn't.

Today someone asked me what would make my world perfect.
"If Andrew didn't lie. But we all know that won't happen".
:/

I've become someone.

I don't make my bed anymore.
This feels....monumentious.
I feel like a teenager.
It's..grr.
Tonight i took a drive.
But just any drive.
I was coming home.
But i didn't turn onto Garden Av.
I slowed...saw my parents were home...
And it was only 7:45 and i'd been with family all weekend...
And kept driving.
At first, i was SCARED.
Where was i going to turn around at?
I drove all the way to bremer.
Around a GIANT curve.
I was trying to remember how to get home..
I took a left in bremer and headed home.
But...when i was almost home i remembered.
If i turned into the drive from the opp direction,
They'd wonder where i was.
So i took a turn and went past the new catholic church
And into town.
Then into Lovers Lane,
Up a giant hill, and home.
It was a half an hour drive.
And it did clear my mind a little.
I realized everything.
No, like EVERYTHING
Reminds me of Andrew in this town.
Everywhere, everything has a memory.
And i know i can't take him back.
And i know he won't take me back.
But over two months later and i still miss it.
I miss having it.
The love. the person. the little things you do. always having someone who knows you. someone to share everything with. someone who loves you. someone to watch out for you. someone to help and understand. someone to be with. someone who you are yourself with....i miss that.
I almost miss Andrew.
But..it makes me lonely.
I haven't seen friends all weekend... :/
That's why i hung out with him so much.
No body wanted to see ME.
I saw him at the meet.
He was working,
But after i got a hug and we talked for a while.
I...asked him if he wanted to hang out.
*small awkward silence*
I get off after the meet's over.
But i suggested maybe during break....
I mean..if nobody else suggests i'll ask him again.
And we'll see where that goes...

Hmm.

I always have so much i want to say here.
Then i forget when i realize i should really post something.
I don't even know what's going on anymore.
Girls bowling won out first meet friday.
And i'm watching the Lord of the Rings trilogy for the firs time this weekend.
And i'm snowed in. :)

I feel

Protective.
I can't just let Nathanial be depressed.
I have to make people happy.
Unless they've made it dificult.

I don't know what you want from me.
If you like them i'm not going to fight.
I have too much going on right now. :/ sorry.
I still think you're cool and i'd hang out
Where ever when ever you want.
But i can't put all my effort into this.
I still want to be friends, i do.
But i go through busy periods.
You allowed to have multiple groups of friends, too.
You know i do.
And it's hard to talk to you in band cuz i'm always rushing the bell.
I'm late to class, and have to run to the opposite side of the school after.
That's all.
I miss you i really do. Let's hang out over xmas then decide. :)

And. speaking of. i could really use break like...NOW. 10 more school days!
Try to keep good spirits. i mean, i really would miss you.
You know i can't live without you, but if you want a change of scene
For a while, i won't mind. I'm always gonna be here for you.
That's why we're best friends.
So..call me. If you wanna hang out.
Let's make snowmen and fools of ourselves, ok? :)
Gooooooooodnight.
ps: I had fox news and homophobes. :D

Idk..

I miss it.
Our relationship.
It was perfect.
He'd do anything for me.
Drive anywhere to get me,
Buy me food and gifts.
He always wanted to hang out.
Spent so much money one me.
The only problem is he wasn't perfect.
I still might believe he was perfect for me
But he was not a very good person.
I just put blinders on.
Blinders of love.

I don't really like a specific guy either.
I'm so wishywashy right now.
I got yelled at for THINKING of sending a text.
To levi.
He said he was going back to Utah forever.
So i wanted to text him and say i liked him.
SAN thought it was mean and is still mad about it.
Good thing i didn't send it
And for the record i wouldn't, either.
But he's back. His parents re-kicked him out.
He's moved on so it wasn't bad anyway.
Whatever.

I'm in an irritable mood again.
Not sure.
I just. Now that i'm not with Ajz 24/7
I need my friends.
But nobody ever can hang out. or wants to.
And i just want to hang out with everyone.
But i can feel friendship circles changing too.
My best friend for years is getting mad at me a lot.
Is it because guys like me and i turn them down
Or pretend to mess with them?
Because i'm not mean and i'm not a whore.
This is who i am.
Sorry i'm not good enough all of a sudden.

And.
That's how i feel right now. :\

I can feel it in the air.

They're just like we use to be.
Down to a freakin T.
And flaunting it in my face.
Ok, not intentionally.
Lets...start at the very begining.
I've heard it's a very good place to start. xP
There is this boy on the bowling team.
He's a senior.
He never talks to me. He scares me a little.
He's a little bigger, but it works for him.
He's friends with ajz.
He wears shorts all year round.
Brown hair/eyes.
Good at bowling.
Now, just who does this remind you of?
There's a girl.
She's a freshman.
Shoulder length brown/blonde hair.
Braces. Nice. In band.
Apparently, these two are dating.
Did i mention he works at the bowling alley too?
Today, he's working during my lesson.
She was after me.
While she's talking to our coach,
He comes up and lightly kicks her from behind.
She turns around and smiles.
i KNOW the two of us would have done that.
It was so cute.
It was so us.
Everything. About. It.
And, it makes me miss him.
Not the whole... 'him' aspect.
But having him and doing that wiht him,
And that's how i've been feeling lately.
And that's all.

First Bowling meet tomorrow! Eek!

Yeah.

I waited in line for the Harry Potter Seven
Permiere. It was COLD.
But fun.
I mean, i only did it for something to do.
And to see my friends.
Which was good. Very good times.
I went again tonight.
Caught a lot more info this time around.

I'm very tired.
But. I've had a couple good last weeks.

Today. I saw Ajz. He was at bowling practice.
He gave me the hug i offered when i saw him,
And we joked a bit.
But, he never said goodbye.
And. It made me sad.
I...thought he might talk to me more.
And now i'm all confused again.

I hate boys.
They're so confusing.
Whatever.
I don't ever feel like talking to people anymore.
At least, not the people i use to.
Nobody's ever around.
But these new people.
They invite me to their houses.
They call me when they're standed and babysitting.
They make me feel better when i'm in horrid moods.
They listen and understand.
And whether they're shiny new toys,
I can't help but be drawn in, too.
And i'm sorry.
I'm still trying to balance everything though.
Tonight was fun.
But for now, i just need more sleep.

Right after some SNL...

No sleep. Too much sleep.

During musical i ended up crazy
And sleep deprived.
Yesterday, i took an hour long nap and
Got 9 hours of sleep.
Today, i felt sick and went home.
I got 2 hours of sleep off and on.
I'm feeling good now.
So, yeah. :)

There's something i'm keeping from everyone.
His name.
Screw all boys in all previous posts.
Did i mention saturday when i was with my sister
We went to the house at UNI where BJS
Lives? to pick up a friend.
I texted him, and he was an hour away somewhere.
I wanted to see him, and though it's not his fault,
That's the last straw.
I can't waste my time on a college boy.
He doesn't want me anymore. :\
There's...someone new.
I mean, new on my radar.
He's a sophomore.
And TALL. :P
While i was at the last musical cast party,
He was up on stage dancing alone,
Cuz he's got that sorta confidence.
A slow song came on,
'Cinderella' By steven curtis chapman.
It must have been in 3/4, because he pointed to me
And said 'I need a waltzing buddy'.
ME.
We talk little, he's super nice though.
He's in orquestra.
And we, with everyone watching,
Danced the whole song alone. :)
He's graceful for his height.
And he asked if i was going to the orquestra waltz.
I said i already had a dress. :)
He. I. We have no classes together.
Today, he was in study hall, and i walked past, and he smiled.
HIM SMILING made me smile.
He may have been being nice.
We'll never knew.
I just. i wish i knew.
He's nice to everyone.
And i'm not wanting to get hurt.
But, i like him.
But i shan't say more 'till i know.
But, i thought if you took the time to read this,
You deserved to know.
I like someone. :)
Someone who doesn't know i like them.
And bam.
The tables have turned. ;)
Let's hope he's not one who
Turns everyone down, too.

Well. What a day.

Boys. boys. boys.
I sorta told Levi no last night.
It was hard, so maybe i'll
Say more on that later.
He likes me, but i don't want that.

Andrew? Doesn't talk to me.
I'm sorta over that.
You idiot. :P

Keaton? Freshman.
He keeps calling me his best friend.
So that's ALL i'll be with him, ok?
I'm allowed to have friends.

Mychal? Sorta stopped texting all the time.
Thankfully, because he's annoying.

Nathanial? That's not his name but still.
He put his head on my shoulder back in freshman
Year during the first cast party.
On the first cast party this year,
Some freshmen (previous mention) did the same to ME.
I texted him and ever since we've sorta been talking.
He's slow to respond but that's just him.
He needs friends, and i've always been there for him.
Even if he makes horrible choices, i'll still be there.
It's just too easy to say that though, when he lives
2.5 hours away. :\

Luke Jones? Stalking, for sure. I'm over that.
He's...nice. but sometimes is weird.


Last night, my car broke.
The Ghetto car is out of order currently :\
I parked it to let a freshman out last night
After the cast party, got in, drive,
CLUNK
And it wouldn't go forward.
I tried to put it into park, and it sputtered.
I shut off the car.
Got out.
Looked under it, and there wasn't anything there.
Turned the car back on, Drive, and same.
Park? still makes noises.
Thankfully, the freshman's father knows cars.
While i waited for my mom, he looked at it.
Something about a gear shift falling off/breaking
And my car sorta endlessly in 'drive', aka
It can't park one wheel because it's detached.
My car, even in 'park' is shovable.
So i took my stuff, pulled the E brake,
And left my baby in a side street.
I love my car, and i'd do anything for it.
It's small, and i love that.
I'm really encouraging to it.
And though i push it sometimes,
I still reward it. :)
I feel a connection to it.
I mean, it understands me.
It allows me to eat pop tarts and drive it.
It has problems, but so do i.
We are one, in a sense.
Even with a broken door, it's my baby.
Until we fix it, i get to drive my dad's
BOAT CAR. It's a bonneville and it's HUGE.
VERY roomy in the back lol. 4 doors. leather seats.
A sun roof, but it's huge, and i can't do that very well.
My dad will be driving our truck, but that think overheats.
I'm gracious,but still. :\

Kim's home.
She INVITED me to hang out WITH HER AND HER FRIENDS
Yesterday, so i took up the offer.
She must really miss me. :)
Can't say the feekings mutual,
But i'm not in a different place.
I still have mom and dad and friends.
And, i do miss her, a little, i guess.
She got her ears pierced. :) I was there. <3

Today's the last Cinderella,
I'll reflect over musical as a whole later. :)

A Day in the Life

I run, hide, and bump into painful things to avoid you.
You're nice sometiems.
Other's you're creepy.
I don't konw how to feel.
Everyone is yelling at me to stop talking to you.
But you have no friends.
And i'm trying to be nice.

I walk past you like i don't know you.
Is this really what you wanted?
Well i can't do anything right now anyway.
I have zero free time.
Can we hang out sometime though?
I miss you and i think we should.
Musical raped me in so many ways,
But it's tonight, tomorrow, and sunday.
You should 1) Come
And 2) Hang out with me sometime this coming week
Since i won't be busy anymore. :)
PS: Sorry... <3

MUSICAL IS TONIGHT!
I love being a ninja,
But i'll miss it dearly.
And seeing some lovely people
I raraly talk to every day. :)
And cute little freshmen are nice. :D

Guys need to stop being so nice to me.
Then again, maybe i should stop
'Drawing attention to myself'. :\
This is who i am? Why does my personality
Fuck me up every day?
Why can't i ever be a normal girl?
I just hate all of this.
I try to be me but i end up pissing of everyone.

I'm so done with guys.
The one a like must have forgotten i existed.
The other one is frowned apon.
And others are just too creepy.
Oh, did i mention that just because guys like me
(Who, might i add, are all sorta weird)
One of my friends is mad at me?
Sorry that i attract the weird ones.
Sorry i never get what i want either but i end
Up looking like a spoiled brat anyway.
And who am i, anyway?
Who is this person i pretend to be everyday?
The facade i so eagerly fall into?
Happy, and nice?
I'm a stuck up drama queen and a bitch.
I don't know who i am.
I have to real friends i tell everything too.
The only ones i thought i had are leaving me.
And these new ones don't have time for me.
No one cares for real. No ones wants to hang out.
I throw parties but am the awkward kid in the corner.
Stop dictating my life. You don't know me.
Truth is? I don't know me.

I'm way to tired to care, and way to sad to care.
I just can't seem to be perfect for anybody.
Here i am thinking we're friends,
Then you go an insult me but think
I already knew i was this way.
I didn't. it hurts.
Thanks for pointing out my flaws.

And don't even get me started on just WHO i like.
Cuz everyone would raise hell.
I can't do anything right.
I just hide behind my happy mask when you ask
"Are you ok?"
I saw first hand today i'm not.
I blew up infront of the whole class
Over something so small.

I hate going to school.
I have to avoid people.
Not be a bitch.
I don't think before i do anything
And it always ends badly.
I piss off people,
And say the stupidest shit ever.
I embarass myself constantly,
And i'm overall too nice somehow
On top of this, to turn down a guy.
He's nice, but everyone says to back off.
I just, hate all these things.

And you'll all ask if i'm ok after reading this.
And i'll saw i'm fine.
And you'll ask who i like and we'll
Have playful banter and i'll be 'happy'.
And you'll assume i'm fine and life will go on.
As it should.
Infact, in an hour i'll be happily with be friends
At the musical. I'm so fake.
I freakin hate myself.
I'm so vain.
I think i'm the shit.
I'm so not. i should just stop trying.
In everything.
Nothings working out.
And yes, this is be being a giant queen bitch
Drama Queen.
So everyone who actaully read this can konw that i'm actally
Fine. This is just how i get my 'attention'.
I'm sorry i wasted your time.
I'll stop whinning now and go be productive.
Because venting this way makes me happy.
Yes, being a bitch makes me happy.
So whatever if you don't think this is sound logic.
I'm fine now.
And i know you're confused.
But my head works 100 x faster than my fingers.
I've already sorted todays problems out while writing this.
So, thanks blogger. For being there for me when i needed something
To listen to me vent.
Goodnight, and please come to the muscial this weekend! <3

Well.

Just when i thought you didn't want be in your life.
Just when i thought you were over me and there was
NO hope at all for a friendship.
You went and did this.
I was babysitting, and all of a sudden,
A new text.
From Andrew.
Asking what was up.
Probably a mistake on his part.
I refused to stop texting him at all costs.
For the next three hours.
Until i was out of attempts to say.
Call me crazy.
He acted normal.
But normal to me for him is us dating.
Calling me cute.
And jokingly being flirtatious.
I...miss him.
Then i get on facebook, and all his statuses
Are songs about regreat, or lying that the person's ok.
Or thinking about pasts.
He keeps telling people he doesn't have a reason to
Come to Waverly anymore. I was always the reason.
It makes me happy. I...I'm still unsure of where i stand.
I love not having that relationship cloud over my head.
But, i miss having someone who i tell everything to.
How can i catch everyone up on the last 2 years of my life?
I can't.
I miss always having somewhere to go or someone to go with.
He was always there for me.
I understand he needs to freedom.
And it was a messed up realationship anyway.
I'm just trying to figure out where i stand.

As far as the Utah stalker kid.
He's good with his words.
Which is why texting is bad.
But, he's weird and nobody likes him.
Now, that was sorta the same with Andrew,
But Andrew wasn't AS weird. Trust me.
Glowsticks? Hairdo's? come on.
I was texting his older cousin
At the same time i was texting him.
I asked how the cousin figured out i had texting.
He said because he was with utah kid,
And all of a sudden, he goes
"Sweet! Carolyn texted me!"
So...that's that.:\

Then the next guy.
He's dated my friend.
And is again hitting on me.
He too is good with his words,
And is very sweet,
But i could never bring myself to being close to him.

Why do i do these things to myself?
I dont' want a relationship, but you know what?
I want BJS to talk to me.
He's who i really like.
Despite the fact it's been weeks since we've talked.
Longer since i've seen him.
Ugg. :\

People say my pretty face would get me anyone.
I just want you.
You're just a freakin college douche though.
And i'm sorta sad. And sorta over it.

But in reality,
I'm not over anything i just talked about.
Not in the least bit.
And these are the things that keep me up at night.
AFTER full nights of events.
These are what keep my brain so tired.
Cada. Dia. :\

Well what'm i gonna do?

I just, give up.
Musical drain all my sleep time and energy.
You wanna give up? You're not the only one
And i can't fight right now.
I swear, i really am tired.
I don't hold it against you and we're still friends.
You know, i could go off on you,
But i need you as a friend.
I know i don't try, but i can't right now.
I've never slept in class.
But these last two weeks i've taked to
Hurting myself to stay awake. :\
And this kid.
He got sent to Iowa to live with the good
Morman family because he got caught smmoking
in Utah. He's in 2 of my classes.
Last week he started texting me.
In my defense, he was nice when i gave him my number.
Then he asked me to a rave. Did i mention his hardcoreness?
He likes me style. O.o
Luckily, the rave was musical night.
THen, he asked me to the new HP movie.
As a double date with his cousin and his gf.
Awkward? yahhhhhhh.
Then he sent me a pic. AGAIN AWKARD.
Of his face, thanks. but still.
I told him i couldn't send one back.
"Aww well i thought i'd ask since you're way pretty".
Flattery is nice, but you're kinda creepy.
We've been talking since some.
He wants to hang out.
I'm 'busy'.
I like the attention and i get nervous when i see him.
But, he's not right for me at all.
And, he adds to the stress.
And, BJS and i don't talk.
Is it a coinicidence he had to do laundry when i IMed him?
And AJZ i can just forget about i guess.
Break my ass. This is a break up and i'm pissed.
And i said fuck in math today.
I don't know what i'm doing of who i am.
But whatever.
And if tomorrownight anything brings me down,
I'll blow up. I will. So don't cross my path.
I've gotten less than 6 hours of sleep a night this week.
I usually get 7 or 8 a night.
And everything happening at once.
So wahtever. It's now.
I'm here.
I miss him but i'm over it.
Except not really.
I wish he'd stop talking to me.
Why am i so nice?
I wish life was simple.

Cutecutecute!

Oh, goodness.
So, the girl who AJZ likes,
She not only looks like me,
Bowls, and live in Osky,
But apparently made Ajz brownies?
Wtf? Oh well.
I'm sorta over it right now.
Forever just couldn't last long enough i guess.

Next order of business, cute 8th grade boys.
=) Aka, AD. :D He's the one who's like a
Brother to Ajz.
I help with his confirmation class.
It was an early out today, and when i got there
I'd been looking sad for some reason that day.
He asked if i'd been having a bad day.
I said no.
Although, he'd spent the day with his gf haha.
Then later, i told him how AJZ's
Interest looked like me.
AD told me he must have good taste.
Then told me that that was a compliment. :D
After class, i guess i also became his mentor.
It's a good time. Because he's so cute.
No, i don't like him.
He's...sorta like a brother.
With a baby face. :P
And, he makes me happy.
Some times.

Next. BJS.
We talk rarely,
So i'm hoping some time i can go to UNI to
Find out what's all going on.
So..yeah. :)

I use Google Translator.

Tonight at confirmation,
I was informed by the 8th grader
That AJZ was home for Fall Break.
As in, he's been here since yesterday.
I felt like dying a little in side.
I felt like crying.
I felt like...yelling.
What happened to "We can still hang out"?
Or "I'm just a phone call away, always"?
I miss you.
I'm crying because you didn't tell me you were home.
Not even a nice "I'm on break" FB status.
I'm. So. Mad.
And i'm not 100% sure you ARE home,
But i think it all makes sence.
Why tell me? I'm just a blip on your radar
Who you no longer give a fuck about.
....
Just one thing?
I wish you still did.
I still care a lot about you...
I still sleep with the bear you gave me.
My favorite number is still 26.
The day of our anniversary.
I still listen to our song everynight.
I have for over a year.
I still pray for you in my list of people i care about.
I still think and dream about you.
And i wish you knew... :\
The time has come.
I finally know what it's like to hurt.
I hate this. I don't feel like caring about anything anymore.

Te amo con todo mi corazóny te extraño mucho. Me gustaría poder decirte, pero sé que no va a escuchar nada de lo que digo. me duele que ni siquiera me dijiste que ibas a estar en casa esta semana. Lo que pasó a ser siempre una llamada de distancia y todavía quieren pasar el rato? Realmente, realmente te extraño. Porque yo te amo stilll. Siempre y para siempre, pero siempre terminó demasiado pronto. < / 3

Eras mi persona favorita nunca. Aún así son, por lo que puedo decir. La libertad ha sido bueno, pero te extraño más y más cada día. Todavía me preocupo mucho de ti ... Todavía sueño con el oso que me diste. Mi número favorito sigue siendo 26. El día de nuestro aniversario. Sigo escuchando a nuestra canción todas las noches. Tengo más de un año. Sigo orando por ti en mi lista de la gente sobre el cuidado i. Todavía pienso y sueño contigo. Y deseo que usted sabía. Es la verdad. Te quiero Andrew James Zaug, espero que siempre lo hago. < / 3

ps. the weekends very busy.. :\
ps again. google translator is very bad. thanks, BMP. :)
ps one more time. Does the p or s repeat when you add ps'?

A New Post for Megan

:P
So, yeah.
Lately, i've been wondering what to do.
(Side note, BJS is online, and i wasn't sure
If i wanted to IM him and be annoying or not.
Guess who just IMed ME? That kid. ;) )
I thought BJS was over me, but idk now.
And, that's got me second-guessing
My decision with AJZ.
That's what i've been thinking lately.
Oh, boy.
I've been crying again because i feel
Like i can't talk to AJZ anymore.
I called him, and he didn't pick up.
He texted me the next morning saying he
Passed out last night he was so tired.
Oh well. But, i feel like i can't talk to him.
It hurts.
And, BJS is so iffy. Idk...
And, Bob is a possible option. ;)
But, right now, i'm off to musical in
A few hours, which should be fun. :D

Funny, isn't it?

You liked me.
I said friends.
Time goes by.
Like, only a week though.
I like you now.
YOU WON'T FREAKIN ANSWER ME!
And now i feel annoying sending so many messages...
Grr.
What's a girl suppose to do?
You're making me act funny.
Just tell me if you don't like me
And we can get over this awkwardness
And make an epic friendship.
You're cool.
You're just not one to respond to things.
I once wasted 6 months on a guy like that,
But he said he liked me.
You, i have no idea anymore.
Do feelings just drop in a week?
I'm so confused.
You wanted to date, now what?
Just, tell me you're just busy.
Tell me you wanna talk to.
Answer me, somehow, someway.
I don't care if you send me a 'k'.
Just let me know.
Or i'll stop trying.
You're so amazing,
But i'm not going to have another
Nathaniel sinerio.
We live in a world of constant fixes.
I will fix this if you don't act.
I can flaunt my shit like it's nobody's business,
I could be over you so fast, you don't know.
I just.....wanna be friends.
You said you wanted time to talk.
Why the HELL else would i get on Facebook
FOR HOURS EVERY NIGHT.
Not once have you been on.
I...i'm starting to really like you,
But...relationship's are two-way streets.
I feel like i'm alone in a one-way right now.
I'd never say "my way or the highway"
But i'd like to talk to you again.
Hug you. See you.
And for the record, i'm not easily disgusted.
Grr.

Just Don't Know

So, you obviously super liked me.
Not even a week ago you wanted to date.
Or at least rush into a relastionship.
Now, i barely saw you on Sunday
(You were 'smelly' and had homework in your words).
I personally don't care.
I wanted to see you.
Because something's changed inside me.
I...I like you too.
I said it.
I like you a LOT more than i originally planned.
And, for a while, i was golden.
I was going to see you Sunday, and it would be fun.
Along with seeing the epic ~<3~
And, you having your parents over wasn't a problem.
More fun time with ~<3~ and KS.
But, then at quittich i figured you'd flitatiously look at me.
You didn't. But, that's alright. That game was
I-N-T-E-N-S-E. Haha.
Then, after i wanted to give you a hug but you were
Taking stuff away and with M. Who's last name idk.
And i'm not sure if M likes me, because i made an
Iffy impression at the WSR show UNI came to. :\
So upon hanging out i called him.
He said he was smelly and had homework.
It sounded sorta like he wanted to but, couldn't.
At the end of the 3 minnute convo, he said to stop
By his room before leaving if i wanted.
I wanted to.
We did.
It was nice seeing you, but you still seemed off. :\
Now, i haven't talked to you since.
I mean, it's beem only a few days,
But i just IMed you on Fb...20 minutes ago.
I'm guessing you left you FB up in someone's room again,
But i really wanted to talk to you.
I really like him.
I'll say it. So what?
Now i'm becoming that girl that over-analyzes everything
And worries too much.
And right now? I just don't know...

I MADE CONTACT!!!

Do you remember me telling you about the
UNI clarinet section leader?
(I think his name was Andy)
And how he's student teaching at my school
but i didn't have him as a teacher? WELL.
Today, i decided to be creepy.
The situation presented itself, honestly. :)
I was innocently walking to PE in high heels
(This is important because that means my exit
Wasn't very fast haha. or graceful.
Don't worry, i at least i didn't biff it)
So i saw him standing there next to Senor,
And my friend was distracting the teacher
(Usually he and the teacher were having intense convos)
And he sorta i THINK looked at me, sorta knowingly.
So, i walked up to him and ask "Do you remember me?"
He said he did, so i just said
"Ok, beacuse i've been seeing you aruond
And i just wanted to check"
Then, not wanting to be last to class,
I walked away. Creepy? probably a lot.
So yes. that's my story of the day. Teeeheeeee.

I'm very PUMPED for the weekend!
Fri-Game, show, sleeeeeeeeeeeeeep.
Sat-SET CONSTRUCTION. Homework. PARTY! CJ Time.
Sun-CJ TIME! Shopping! Teehee (we're girls, it's ok!)
THEN SOME EPIC TIME WITH ~<3~!!!!!
And gummy bear fetus'. ;)

Thanks!

Oh CJ, i knew guys thought that stuff,
But nobody ever advanced. Or said anything, and
Being imprisioned and marrooned from those things...yeah. :P
Speaking of, I SAW JJ TODAY IN THE OFFICE
OF THE HIGH SCHOOL TODAY!!!!!!!!!
He came to recieve a year book,
But he had trusted his mother to send in money.
She had not. So he had to pay for one. :D
Anywho. Thanks, btw. I think you're pretty too!
Also, what's so bad about a carpool?!?!
It's time with me, isn't it?
Don't you loooooooove me CJ? xP
Next object of business,
I'm sorry i'm so busy.
I'm trying..i am.
It's hard.
I'm sorry. Wanna hang out maybe
With a sleep over after the Homecoming thing?
Like old times? :D
I hope so!
Next object-
Those FUCKING DOUCHEBAGS WE HAVE AT OUR SCHOOL.
Ahem.
I mean, Nick Wheeler and Nick West.
*cough*douches*cough*
You SEE.
This morning i'm in a cherry mood.
Ready to head off to band to march.
And, ND, BMP, and EJTD pass by me and tell me to follow.
We head to Mr. A's room where i find out that.
THOSE GIANT JERKS WHERE WEARING ANTI-GSA TSHIRTS!
They said GSA on them but the word was crossed out.
Mr. A said there was nothing we could do,
And there wasn't.
But still. :\
I was happy the school held up their end of the deal
And made them cover/take it off.
I hope we can make some nice
RESPECT Tshirts.
With BMP. :)
But seriosuly, this was my status:
Carolyn Corson thinks what you did was wrong and insensitive, but i've learned that fire + fire isn't worth it. Thanks for your cooperation, but please try harder to be less cliché next time you want to offend someone, or just do us a favor and don't try. Sincerely, Carolyn.
FUCK YOU, ASSHOLES! hahaha. ;)
I'm off to confirmation now!
I hope you all have a good week!
GO HAWKS. haha. :D

Interesting...

It hasen't even been that long,
And the guys have assended.
I mean, i always thought i wasn't pretty
Or nice, or wanted by guys
Because they never made advancements.
I guess that's because i was taken.
Already, one is pushing for being closer,
And two or three others are talking to me
More and more and more and more.
I mean, flattering yes, but
I need time.
I still miss him.
I haven't talked to him since it happened.
It really, really hurts.
I love him so much still.
We agreed it was mutualy, i guess.
And we're still friends, i saw him
Text someone that because he didn't know
I was also there.
He said we agreed we were both busy, and that we were
'Of course' still friends.
I wanna call him so bad, but i don't know if it's ok to yet.
Not like a stupid rule, but i wanna give some time.
I am almost second guessing this stuff.
I mean, it should be ok if i can just talk to you.
I wish guys would stop.
I can't handle all this right now.
BJS is nice and i'd like to get to know him,
But today i realized that him living in Illinois
Is a problem for sure come summer.
Not that i'm looking.
Right now, i just wanna cry.
But i have to write an essay....
And that's what's ineresting.

=\

Today, i woke up at 7.
I went to set construction around 9.
I helped clean the wood room.
Then, around noon we broke for lunch.
I called Ajz and we went and got lunch.
Then, i went back to his house.
It was about 1:00.
I wasn't there for more than 10 minutes.
If you're smart you know what happened.
He seemed pretty ok about it.
If you want details, you have to ask me.
I barely cried during it.
Then, when i went to my car,
I decided i needed a distraction,
So i went to set construction again.
I drove there, in convulsions i couldn't stop.
But honestly, i was ok.
I called BMP, and she came out in the rain and gave me a hug.
I love you, btw.
And yes, i do still love him.
But like i said, it's ok.
Then i stayed at set for another 2 hours.
It helped a lot.
And i just told people bmp
Told me a funny joke and i swollowed pop wrong.
Casuing my eyes to tear up.
Because pop does that to me.
I can't handle the fizz.
And then i was able to also blame it on
'Alergies'.
Only 4 people there knew i think.
And that's all that matters.
Why should i flaunt it?
I'm fine.
And he told me i wouldn't lose him.
He also told me that he was always a phone call away.
So, really, i'm fine.

The second worst part?
Making it Facebook official.
I felt really mean doing it.
Gosh, i'm so backandforth on this..

The worst part?

You have no idea yet.
But you will tomorrow.
I still love you, no matter what.
I just hope everything works out alright.
I'm sorry.
But there's no turning back now.
My mind has been pushed to know,
This is what is going to happen.
Let's hope this is the last night i have to cry.

Ok, here's what's up.

Ok.
Friday night UNI came to wsr to play for band.
I met a male clarinetist name Brandon. (BJS)
We talked and he was really nice.
It got me thinking that i shouldn't have to feel bad because i talk to guys just because i've always dated Ajz.
I'm a jr/sr soon and i can't let these times slip away, i need to be able to do things now, right?
Things on my own, not skewed because of a bf.
So, then saturday wsr went to UNI.
I got to talk more to him.
But KS told me BJS had a thing for me and wanted to see me again.
But ~<3~ said he was a little bit of a man-whore.
Then i guess KS told me he was worried for me and he told BJS to back off.
But, when i got home i sent BJS a facebook message
(I friended him friday night) and we've been talking all day.
Which is another story.
But mainly, i've decided i want to take a break with Ajz
Because he will be busy with with bowling in 2 weeks,
And i should be able to be free, you know?
It might seem like i'm doing it for BJS, but i'm not.
I've been thinking this in the back of my head for a while...
Whenever i talk to a guy. Whenever my tummy flips..
Do i really wanna go through with it?
I do. i mean, AJZ and i have talked about it before,
And we'll both be really busy this year.
I want him to experience college and not come home all the time
And i wanna be able to talk to guys.
Maybe even guys like BJS.

This was BJS's status today : PARENTS SURPRISED ME AND CAME TO SEE THE GAME YESTERDAY. that was the best part of this weekend. game was a ton of bull shit. (sry but it was). then over friday i met one of the most(insert nice adjective here) person that ive meet in a long time. i think im starting to get over what i havent been able to get over for a year. :) PACKERS WIN

And this, is nice. And flattering. And i just wanna know,
Because i've changed a LOT since freshmen year.
1.7 years of love.
Yes, i still love him.
But if i;m the person who continues to date just because
I've always done it, then how will i know anything?
I'm not looking for new love, just some new expereinces.
In a good way. New friendships.
And, i just don't want this time to slip past me.
And, this is what's up.

?

Would you hate me if you knew?

I like hanging out with Brandon.
He's nice. and i shouldn't have to
Tear myself up to talk to a guy.
I hate it.
Change may be coming...
I love you, and that's all i know.
And i'm sorry. But, it's high school
And i can't let this time slip by me.
I'm sorry for who i am.

Whould you hate me if you knew?

.

Contemplations hurt.
I cried the whole night through...
I can only think of you,
Bow now there's someone new...
I cried the whole night through.

I lied.

Ok, i lied.
Everything's not ok. :\
Wed, like usual, confirmation was a disaster.
Probably the worst class ever.
Because i had 6 8th graders to watch
For a whole half an hour.
And everywhere we went nobody was happy.
Then they started my car.
And tried lifting it.
I didn't care we were at a church, i swore at them.
And i hate them.
And i don't want to ever go back. grrr.
They walk all over me.
But, at least the only one i care about
The one i like,
Said he was sorry yesterday.
Only because i was super emo on FB i bet though. :P
Because, i just don't want to live in a world
Where these are my colleagues,
My peers, my bosses or leaders even someday.
They'er attatched to their phones,
And very disrespectful.
And i lost all faith in my life and future.
But, when he appologized, it all went away.
I was happy again.
I think i like him more than i planned..
But, sometimes i don't think i'm as cute as i think i am.
But the GSA bonfire changed my mind on that. ;)
Because now i'm that drunk whore carolyn, who
Works at the Flip Side Town House strip club.
(As in the flip side crackers from Town House)
Oh boy. :D
The moral of the story...i was really, really sad for like,
2 days. Things changed. Last night made it tons better though.
And, now i'm rather chipper again. ;)

Hmm.

I've been pretty busy this month, sorry about that.
I have so much homework everynight, it's not fair.
And pretty soon, i'll have to start going to musical
To be a ninja. :P
And, i don't really know what all to talk about.
Maybe, just a list of things that make me happy.
Or maybe, i'll just try to think of what's been
Happening in my life currently.
I've become obsessed with IMVU, which is weird.
It's like...a place you can go to have your avatar
Interact with people from around the world..
But most people wanna have internet sex. xD
I still have my internet vcard haha.
Because i wouldn't know how to do it. :P
Haha, i just like playing with the dog
And buying cute clothes on there. ;)

Otherwise, the GSA bonfire last night was good.
Lots of good memories, none bad. :)
Nice group of people this year.

Hmm, what else?
Vowel's ringtone is I'm Awesome. :P

I can't think of anything else...

Conflictions.

My first confliction.
I never talk to you only because i'm busy.

My second confliction.
I don't want you talking to him.
You had someone, then you moved to Canada.
Don't change boys.
Don't throw yourself at him.
Don't deny it, either.
And don't ever flirt with him.
He only wants to hang out with you for
One reason, and i'm sure it's to mess up your life.

My third conflicion.
I want to go to the party this weekend, but ironicly,
Kim will be home this weekend, and she's friends with
These people, too.
AKA, i will not be in attendence.
She's already sold on going.
WHY THE HELL CAN'T I LIVE MY OWN LIFE.
I DON'T WANT TO NOT BE ALBE TO DO THINGS BECAUSE IT'S HER
"FRIENDS". They're mine, too, jerk.

My fourth confliction.
I feel like sometimes i'm not liked my people,
Or people use me for friendly convience.
And it hurts, because last-to-know things
And always making efforts.
Not a sole will call me to ask to hang out, ever.
I don't enjoy this. Do i change myself?

My fifth confliction.
Why do you have a second life?
Are the CF people that great,
Or is there something you get to do with them
That's so great?
You're here 24/7 in Wavetown,
But you're BFFs with a bunch of CF people.
And you're starting to get moody.
Don't tell me to be happy then get pissed off.

My sixth confliction.
You are like my sister.
But you told me you like him.

My seventh confliction.
I like him too.
I love Ajz, and i can't live without him,
But i still get nervous around him.
I told you today, and you're ok.
I think.
I'd rather you than some like him,
But, i'd rather not be selfish.
My head says i need to be just friends.
But he makes me stomach do flips.
It's...bad.
This is a true confliction.
You used to act like you liked me.
Now, i don't see it.
But, i can't stop talking to you. :)

My eighth confliction.
You need to stop doing that stuff.
Period.
Too many people do it that i know.
It's, not bad besides the illegal part,
I just worry.
And, that's that.

My ninth confliction.
What do i do about all of this?

='(

Yesterday, my mom asked if i wanted to go
With her and kim down a day early to move kim in.
Some friends were throwing a party for Andrew
And i wanted to go. really bad.
So my mom said since andrew was going down the same day,
I could stay for the party and go to southern iowa
With andrew!
It was fun, but the drive was B-O-R-I-N-G.
But i had him. :)
I got to see his college, i moved him in, and
Though Billy P is very Ghetto, i approved lol.
Then he drove me the 20 minutes to Central
But right before i got out of the car,
My eyes started tearing up. :\
He told me it was ok and that i'd see him this weekend,
And that he loved me and we've already done this once,
So it should be easy. it still wasn't.
Then i got to see kim and her realllly nice dorm.
Then i went home with my mom, and haven't done much since.
I'm hoping to have fun tomorrow if things go as planned.
Then one more day then school. :( it's kinda sad.
I'm not ready to be a junior...

Well...

For one, i don't go to people for help.
NEVER have. always run. even from my mom.
Second, i never shot down you and Sam.
I don't care, i was just off that night and
Just saying he's a flirt.
I don't have feeling for Sam. and probably haven't for
A Long Time.
I think you should go for it. i just wanted you to know.
Maybe i should keep my mouth shut. :(

I don't want school to come.

Now, for a rant of sorts:
Is it right to have seen you at the party
and gotten jelous because you were with all those CF girls. And, this crush should go away by now, but it doesn't. and i don't think about you until i see you. then you're there, not talking to me, being yourself. so whatever. you're just nice. and...i'm over it. because i don't cry over you every night. because you're not leaving for college saturday.
my sister, and my boyfriend.
i shared some laughs with her the other day, and it almost, almost felt like before high school. when we use to share everything.....it hurts.
and him, leaving again, oh joy.
and i have nothing more to say right now.

100th post. (i think)

Moods of the past 24 hours,
-Do i even like him anymore?
-This is crazy.
-What was the deer doing?
-Yes, i do love him.
-This was an awesome day.
-How did things change in 1 minute? Did i miss something here???
-Did we just have a fight? WHAT HAPPEEND?..
-Is he still in love with me?
-Am i being a mega-betch?
-This movie relates to my life! I have to fight, and fight i will because i now know that i cannot live without him.
-Will he pick up the phone?
-Did john really call or did he just not wanna see me?
-SARAH PICK UP YOUR FREAKIN PHONE.
-It was nice seeing CJ.
-Can i get a break, emotions? I don't wanna be weird anymore! Let me be normal!
-WHERE IS BRIANNE?!?!?!?! i need to confer with you about this! :(
-Can someone be too in love with you and vice versa?
-Would i really do that?
-Why did i say that?
-Is that our whole issue? Do i seem superficial?
-If i did that stuff would things be alright?
-Am i selling myself short?
-Am i too inlove with him?
-I hate it when you only shed two tears, because you know you have a dam to let out but someone fixed your leak. i needed to cry. Shedding two tears is that worst possible outcome. Now i'm so scared a tree frog pissed me off.
-I have tree frogs.
-WHAT DID I JUST TOUCH?!??!?
-Why is there a tree frog on the floor?
-WHY IS IT JUMPING ACROSS THE ROOM!
-WHY ISN'T MY MOM PICKING UP?!?!!?
-Don't judge me for freaking out. about a frog.
-DID IT JUST PEE ON KIMS NEW FRIDGE?!?!?! shhhhhhh
-GET OUT OF THE BUCKET STUPID FROG!
-Shall i hack her computer to type all of this?
-Scott Pilgrim vs. the World is an AMAZING movie.
-Can we forget this? That isn't how i really feel, i just said it for no reason.
-Can we talk? of course not.

Lastly,
-Who is he? :P

Incase you didn't know, those were in order. pretty much. sorry for use of names. i don't care right now, andi just had to get this into words. boy, i need help. last year i didn't want him to go. this year idk. is it because he said we might have to take a break so he can experience life and college though we'd still talk and hang? and not look for others but not be pressured? naw, i think it's because it's not that i want him to go, i just forget how close school is and how we made it last year. if i'm gonna be a betch though then he won't want me. tonight i realized i need him. i don't want him to go, but for some reason i can't show it. i swear to god i don't wanna change. come back, life from a few months ago. i miss you. even 1 month ago. Why can't i show my love anymore? I think he really loves me now but i'm shutting down like a train wreck. i need answers. i need him. i need friends. i've always been able to live without friends, not a neccessity like my sister, i could go without, just prefered with. but now i need them. now i can't go without. i need to attention. i need to contact and conversation. i'm changing and i don't like it. what's wrong with me? am i gonna become some bitch now? i don't want that. just a few weeks ago i KNEW that if i ended up with him in a few years and 2 rings later, i'd be happy. now, i'm pissing him and myself off. G-R-E-A-T. NOT. i neeed something. But you can't help. this is...so...confusing i don't want this. now i'm rambling. just like nathaniel would. i don't even want him anymore. I truly do love andrew. heart and sole. so that the FUCK am i going to do about it? i dream about being the best, then i turn from medeocrity to SUCKY. :( i'm crushedhurtfuckedupandinpainwhilebeingpissedoff. greaaat. goodnight. i hope i can get that cry out tonight. then be the great girlfriend he deserves.

=D

So last night after the whole performance,
You seemed like you were having a good time. :)
It was nice, and i didn't rush off because i didn't
Want to see you, i just didn't wanna die. :P
But im glad something was fun for you. :)
But seriously, racing the storm home,
Not fun. :P
A normal night at 7 PM yesterday,
But by 7:45 we were seeing lightening,
Though i blew it off as heat lightening.
BECAUSE IT WAS HELLA HOTTTT OUTT. :P
Then, the cloud began gettign darker.
And everyone BUT Vowels KNEW we shouldn't be out there.
Finally, it was darkening by the minute, and we had to perform.
I was just hoping it was wasn't going to rain!
It didn't, and we all quickely left,
And i raced it home. At some points, i was barely under it,
There was no wind, no rain, but it looked really really
CREEPY out :(
I made it and it started it,
Meaning CJ was prolly still driving. :(
THE DEATHCLOUD HAS RETURNED! :)
Then there was hella lightening, and it was bad.
I'm sure you know what's up with the storm from there. :\
But...seeing you happy was nice. :)

.

It's not your fault and i wasn't excited to see her.
I just can't mix you with them.
It's hard. Do you understand that?
I don't wanna fight...that's dumb.
Lets just hang out sometime.
And you know i've invited you to hang out, quite a bit.
I've never invite them places like i do you, i just see them.
I have lots of friends, i like talking and having fun.
There must be something good between us, or else we wouldn't be friends.
Think about it.
I'm not mad, and i hope you aren't either..
That would make me sad.
I think we just need to be less awkward around eachother. :P

Fun

I guess the fair was ataully a lot of fun.
I try to not ditch people for her, but she's just fun.
And that's all. It's not my fault.
I wouldn't ditch you for her, don't even worry.
Though i am going to her thing tonight...
But anyway.
Summers gone by way to fast.
It seems just 2 weeks ago i was sleeping in every day
Because it was June.
Not the case.
Two weeks ago i was at camp.
But the fair, it was awesome.
I love BMP, JT, and HM. :)
But trust me, hanging out with CJ, RAL, and MS was still epic.
I don't have much to say, i just wanna see everyone
Before it's over. You know, a last hurrah?
Shall i host a par-tay?
Maybe.
But, you know, then there's that one thing.

*I DON'T HAVE A SINGLE FRIEND THAT DOESN'T HAVE OR EVEN
DISLIKE A DIFFERENT FRIEND THAT I HAVE.*

And it bothers me that i have to keep remembering who hates who.
Because i like everyone.
So a party may be out-of-the-question.
Because it would be a big circle of hate.
Thanks, self, for making good friends. :\

But on another note, i talked to Nataniel, and he's happy.
That's all that matters, right?

Though i think i need to fix the crush i have on an 8th grader,
And stop thinking about the other boy who may have liked me.
I'm pretty sure he just thinks we're freinds.
And it's all weird again, because all i think about are boys,
When i'm happily in love with this other boy... <3

OK then.

1) camp was good. more info later.
2) i'm still tired. i slept 40 minutes late today because
for the first time in my life, i slept through my alarm. :(
3) i wasn't reading them, i was busy. i did though.
4) a lot of people don't like her, and as you can tell,
i got for underdogs as friends. not being cruel, just saying
i don't judge. as much. as some. but...she's in my sections,
it's too easy to slip in with her. and her ways.
5) i am still your friend, but everythings been so gosh dang busy,
can i have one minutes for myself? i'm so tired..never have i been
so tired in my life. even during ap season i was well rested. D:<
6) i'm rambling...and that word just reminded me of nathaniel. greaaaaaaaat.
7) over the course of the summer, at least 3 guys who have graduated have
stalked/talked to me out of nowhere, saying i was cute and they wanted to see me.
why? i don't even know. i never thought i was cute. whatever. only..they're
a nice change of pace, to hear good words...so easy to...
8) i love andrew.
9) i'm the kind of person who has friends but can go for a long time
without seeing them and fall right back into place...inside jokes, hugs,
talks, and remember everything. you're a good friend, i just...and acting wierd.
i'm sorry that its like this. school will change things. just, follow me
around tomorrow and i'll remember. i am sorry. i am a bad friend, i'm just
happy to have you. many things would be worse without you, and i would say
that friend wise i love you a fair ammount. :) oh good, i'm crying. :'(
10) why does he always hug me? why do i return them? why is he so cute?
and why isn't this crush going away? they usually leave by now. i'm afraid.
i can't see myself without ajz, so why do i think i need HIM. for 3+ months.
and he's so nice, but, then there are times i don't think he likes me.
but then i think i do. :(
11) apparently, someone who i thought was just 'nice' is a reall creep. :(
12) i've sold 14 band cards in 2 days. thank you drunk people and cat guy. :)
13) i'm off to bed. lets hope i can shake this sorry butttttttttt outta bed
in the morning! good night all! <3

Tomorrow...

I leave for camp. :)
WIYLDE.
If you interested, read about it on FB. :P
I'll be gone July 27-August 1.
Then it's band camp. ^.^

The end of detasseling was great.
I didn't miss a day, so $$$$$$$$$$$$$
And it was kinda fun.
And, come to find out,
My hot crew leaders are football coaches at WSR. xD

It's a good day.
Lets hang out when i get home! <333

c(:

Today was actaully fun.
I had fun teasing a crew leader,
And then we raced the machines later on, too.
Why is it that my second to last working day
Was by FAR my favorite?
I had...a lot of fun today.
Even if the cleaners got ice cream and we didn't,
It was still fun for once.
And now i have one day sometime this week, then it's over.
So long as i make it though that day i'll have had perfect attendence.
WOO! BONUS TIME! :D
$$ :)

Btw cj...this means we can hang out again.
Sorry i've been gone for a big part of your life... :\

Why

Can't you stop crying?
I'm sorry i work so much or i know i'd know... :|

Speaking of work...today we had almost-mile-long rows. :(
I only got 4 rows done...and we left at like 3 in the afternoon.
It took 2+ hours to do a row. :\
But on my way down the first time, JHubb (my origonal crew leader)
Actually finnished both my two rows, with still quite a bit to go.
It was a long day.
I was caked in mud.
I hope the pay is worth it. :P

And yes, i have to work tomorrow, whats new? no fireworks for me. :\

Yesterday

I almost lost my job because i was going too fast and missed too many tassels.

Dear Crew Leaders,
Hi, i'd like to keep my job, so if you could make up your minds
What you want me to do, that's be great. I don't need to be fired
From my first job. And there is still a week until we're done.
So i have a week to not mess up. AT ALL. You said if it happened
Again, i'd be let go. That's just great. Thanks for nothing, jerks.
So again, i stress the IMPORTANCE that you make up your minds.
Thanks, Me.

It's Hottttttttttttt outttt

Hey Cj, i still love you. :)
Stop being emo. You know Cory's at least a good friend.
You're ok. :D

So today was interesting at detasseling.
We got to the field...
And everyone had to do a frame.
Which is four rows.
And...it took me 4 hours to do the four rows.
A crew leader named Andy said it was the slowest
He's ever seen. :\ Then he told me to take lunch.
At least there were about 4 others at least
That were that slow. But it hurt.
Andy's always telling to to go faster.
So i decided i would try, really hard.
It was hot out. Hella hot.
But i wiped out one row in 30 minutes.
And the same on the was back. :D
Happily, i went to Andy who was assigning new rows
And asked if an hour down and back was good.
He was it was. I was so excited!
Then i got one more row, and i went down it in only 20 minutes!
Then we went home.
But at least i made my crew leader happy.
JHubb (my crew leader) told me i was representin'
Because i halfed me time. :D
Then he went down the rows next to me and sang crazy bitch x)
These crew guys are awesome.
And i met a really nice girl. She's awesome. :D
Detasseling has it's up and downs...like heat and rain and such...
But i think i'm happy i did this. :)

Hello, My Name Is

Mrs. Jasper Whitlock Hale.
Just kidding! :P
I saw Eclipse...LOVE.
So i went home and watched Twilight
And then tonight New Moon.
Why did i use to not be phased by them
But now i want to cry all over the place?
(I didn't though)

And despite rumers...Breaking Dawn WILL NOT
Be rated R. :P
It will be 2 movies though!

I'm in a wierd mood.
I close my eyes and see Corn...HELP ME.
Sorry i never make sense on here............
... :P

Cj...I'm glad we got 'ditched'. i had so much fun with you!
He's just a boy, and i'm happy you're seeing light.
I don't konw if i've ever told you about Nathaniel.
And how i never, ever saw the light, until it smacked me.
Until Ajz was there, and i knew Nathaniel couldn't love me.
6 shitastic months i wasted on him,
While Ajz fell for _ _ _ _ _.
At least you got out before it was too deep.
I know our stories are different, but i don't want you to suffer.
i put myself through hell on a hope and nothing else.
Life rejected me, but a bit meaner than you.

Did i ever tell you everything? About Nathaniel?
Do you know my darkest secrets? You're my bff, and most other people know.
~<3~ pulled me out even more this year, when i deleted that text from over
A YEAR AGO.
And i don't miss him.
Because somehow,
We became freinds.

I <3 you all!

But i despise corn........

July

Has been a busy month.
Detasseling is hard, and i'm really slow.
And i guess i'm not very good either, but i'm trying.
I really am. i hope i don't get fired...
Thats really been my life.
I hang out with friends a little, but not much.
And because i'm so tired,
People who i usually like are annoying me.
Mostly the freshmen.
And when i say 'don't talk to me'
They laugh and say i'm so funny.
The just don't get it? Ugh.
Well i'm tired and not working today but whatever.
I never have time to sleep anyway. Stupid Job.
I'd better earn some good money or imma be PUSSED.
All this hard work is hard. Seriously.
And i suck at it. :\

Cherries :)

Are fun to pick.
Alone...
With Friends...
Off the ground. :)
Rasberries
Are fun to eat.
With friends...
Alone...
Over Ice cream!
I love my orchird. :D
I <3 my friends! :P

R.A.W.R

Herro there.
Long time no chat. :P
Jk.
I guess it isn't as bad as i though.
I mean...when we both go back to school,
It's be best if we both concentrated on that.
And, he needs to experience college.
'I'll always be in the back of his mind'
And no, i don't feel like telling whats up yet with this. :P

CJ...i enjoy you. I'm really sad about Erie too, but i think
Your new step forward is good. :) And, i don't think it's bad.
JSYK. obviously. He's cool.

I'm in a jolly mood. idk why.
I helped out at my grandpas yesterday..
And after a while, my cousin and i started wondering around.
He has 3 Impalas (cars)
A model A AND a model T
A convertible with nice seats.
A tow truck.
A nice old car that doesn't say what it is.
2 Trucks.
And countless tractors.
And a motercycle with a side car.
I...never knew he had this many.
He's not a hoarder.
Everything has a story.
My mom remembers driving one of them.
...
...
...
That same grandpa will be gone in a year.
He has cancer..
They gave him a 4 or 5 years,
4 or 5 years ago.
It's melanoma or whatever.
Meaning it spreads.
He use to tell stories about everything.
Now, all he talks about is being alone
And dying.
He knows everything.
He has everything.
He won't talk anymore.
Except about his death and missing grandma.
Who died when i was in 4th grade.

I don't know why i'm writing all of this.

I want to go up sometime to my grandpas and have him
Tell me all about his cars.
I...just don't know what to do when he talks about his death.
He said yesterday he wished he didn't know he had it.
He wants to die like grandma.
Our cousins just got back from Arizona, and the whole family
Was at grandmas and grandpas.
The next morning, my grandma got up.
Went into the bathroom where grandpas was shaving.
Then she went back to lie down on the bed.
Just a usual morning.
My cousins from AZ were staying at my grandparents house.
My uncle is a paramedic.
Later, my grandpa finnished shaving, and went into the bedroom.
Grandmas was dead.
I was in 4th grade.
My uncle couldn't do anything.
She died after seeing all her family.
Peacefully.
Cause of death is unknown.
Grandpa wants to go like that.
Quick without warning.
He doesn't want to end up needing help.
He doesn't want to lose his mind.
He can only talk of death.
I want to change this.
If he goes, our family, which is fueding currently,
Would be destroyed.
It would be a fight for possessions.
Nobody thinks my uncles deserves teh gas station.
But he slaved his life away down there, for grandpa.
Only because my grandma asked him too.
My aunt could get written out of the will
Because she's dating an Indian.
And Grandpas racist.
It was a different time.
Things are tearing us apart.
We should be ashamed of ourself.
Stupid, silly Westendorfs.
Grandma would never have allowed this.

Swim

I love Jack's Mannequin.
I'm just going to say it. :)
Some songs make me cry, some make me laugh,
And some, make me contemplate things like never before.

-You gotta swim
And swim when it hurts
The whole world is watching
You haven't come this far
To fall off the earth
The currents will pull you
Away from your love
Just keep your head above-

Things are strange right now and i guess we'll just have to see how they go.
I...don't understand but it's not my place.
It's his.

Red Rover was fun.

D&D was fun. :) Can't wait to play.

Yeah, yeah, my computer broke.
It's like 8 yrs old, and the sensor that tells the fan to run fell off.
And it shorted our hard drive.
So our stuff isn't reachable, because everytime someone hooks up
Another computer to it, it shuts off the OTHER computer.
We got a new computer, but it doesn't run dial-up.
SO we kinda have highspeed now. It's weird.
I'm actaully not feeling verbose today.
So maybe i'll post about it later.
Whatever...i've been kidna weird lately.



And i guess i'll just be swimming until and outcome is reached. :/

Ke$ha ≠ Lady Gaga

That's right, i went there.
Ke$ha, while amazing, is a very
BAD interpretation of Gaga on stage.
Note SNL.
Gaga=Bubble.
Ke$ha=neon tribal indian (same as her music video, i've heard)
But, i still love them both.
Ke$ha's not trying to be Gaga,
She just happened to look like a bad one.
I think i'm going to go buy the Fame: Monster
Of Gaga's soon. i think i'll go on a Wally World Spree... :D
And as far as Ke$ha, guess who gave me Tik Tok?
Nathaniel.
How long has it been since i posted about him?
He answered my prayers.
But....now i really REALLY need/want/need
"Your Love is My Drug".
Fo Realzzzzzzzzz. :P

And...CJ...i'm sorry i haven't seen you in a while.
Can we hang out soon?
I juss wasn't sure of your work schedule, that's all.
I haven't done a thing yet this summer. :P
And.........i miss you. <3

DRIVING!

Today was my first day of driving
ALONE.
I went to ellas this morning and parked
WAY far away from the curb.
Like a good foot.
I didn't wanna re-do it. :P
Then off to my eye appt, where i met my mom.
After, she said i could go to Ajz's.
And appearently she said to be home at 5:30.
So when my dad called me at 6...i left for home quickly.
I got home and then changed for Muni band and off i went.
It was fun.
And i even got out of the parking space and made it home safely.

I think i'm an ok driving.'
Sometimes my judgements off, but usually it's ones like
"I could have made it"
NOT
"Can i make it?"
Bahaha. I jammed out to Ke$ha TWICE today. :D

ps: i like driving now. xD

Sweet 16

The party was pretty cool.
It made up for the bad bday i had.
I think i am in love with temparary tattoos now.
Just saying.

And sammy D's pool party was really fun last week too.
And now it's summer.
And i just slept until noon for the second time in my life.
And i feel funny. This summer is going to suck...i can tell.
My bff is gone for half of it.
My sister is gone for almsot all of it,
Then gone for good at college.
My bf will be working multiple times a day...
And my other bff will be working a lot too.
And then there's me.
I'll be detasseling.
With no friends.
Leaving Waverly for around 10-12 hours everyday.
Starting with leaving at 5.
And being hot.
And not having and friends.

This summer will suck.

Then there's church camp, cutting into detasseling time.
So less money there.

And none of the aweosme people, except for Hannah E, will be back,
And that makes me really sad..... :(

Time to make new friends? i think so.

:P

May was a fail at posting.
I was busy..
My 16 Bday was ok.
I'd rather not talk about it.
I'm really tired so i'm really
EMOTIONAL.
And that made my day not-so-great. :P

I'll talk more later! <3

Words of my father...

"When you call the Funeral Home, you get a live person."

In itself, it's IRONIC.

This, coming after my mom called the doctor
And had to do the 'press 1 to do this' thing.

I enjoy irony A LOT lately. jsyk...

And imma be 16 on Tuesday, June 1....so be ready!
Watch out world, here i come! <3

Muni Band

It was fun. :)
I'm also pretty sure it's my forth year in it.
I'm pretty awesome. :P

CJ...if you still need to vent....i'm here! <3

Playing Saxophone yesterday was fun....

Life's still pretty hectic...

Oh, and i don't want to do the bug project.
I can't even kill flies..... :-O
This should be interesting.

GAH!

GLEE GAGA
ON NOW!!!

guess who's pumped?
ME!

And i passes drivers ed
Driving portion today.

And i'm going to learn saxaphone
So next year i'll be in jazz band!

Oops

Yeah, i don't feel like post much this month.
Sorry everyone.
Everything is so busy...
Kims grad party was fun..
Got to bed at 1 ish...
Then got up for church chior
To sing one last time
And see Senior Recongnition.
It was neat.

Hope to go bowling with cj laterss...
That's kinda it.
Schools actaully dying down
But i think only a week is too little
Of time for the biology bug project...
Not excited! Oh well...

Hmm that's nice ;)

So i'm juss gonna use names for this one.
For starters... _ _ _ _ _ didn't even invite
Ajz to her grad party....ouch?
They still talk a little, i found this to me cold.
I still don't feel anything when i see her..but today
She turned around in the hallway.
I happened to be following her, and she
DARTED out of my way.
MUWAHAHAHAHA.
I also realized...
I'm WAY taller than her. :P

And secondly....[[[names]]]
Mallory Biggs is telling people
She sleeping with Ajz.
And Karly is spreading it
Because she hates Ajz with everything
In her body and soul.
Why would someone do this?
I am still clueless.
Unless it was payback for
Ajz not talking to Shayna anymore.
Who happens to be Mallorys BFF.
Whatever. i was all
"Ajz, do you know Mallory Biggs?"
He was all "Who?"
Hahaha point and case. (That's a saying, right?)
So i said "Because appearently you're sleeping with her.
All the time. So maybe you should stop that..."
What's worse? My great aunt in her grandma..
I'M RELATED TO THAT. :P

I'm not worried, nor am i mad at the informers.
I love both of you. <33333
I would have found out anyway, but
It just seems outrageous.

And...seniors are done Thursday... D:<
PUSSED. lol.
I'M GOING TO MISS YOU ALL!!!!!!!!!! :D

How strange.

I don't hate you for telling me.
I don't even mind you telling me.
You concerned for me but...
There is one problem in
Karly's logic...
She started a rumor,
About a boy who slept with a girl.
My boyfriend, and a girl with a
Bad reputation.
Only thing is...
He has never met this girl he is
Supposedly sleeping with. :P

I don't care. it's cool.

Pop show was good, can't wait for tonights!

I've also noticed that almost NOBODY
Is posting in may...
I'm with them.
TOO BUSY.

I feel the AP test went well for me.
There were a few problems though. Ohh well. ;)

~<3~ => NOAH HAS HAD A GF FOR A LONG TIME.
I'm jealous. :P

Justin beiber is hot. (He's from CF...and
Actaully named Oliver...;P )

And...graduation parties are starting.
Such a busy time in life...tsk tsk.

Also, i haven't been blogging much
Because i am addicted to MLIA.

www.mylifeisaverage.com

Check it out. :D

Love you all!!! <3

Paint

Is covering my hands.
Happy late earth day, i painted a door. :P

To CJ...were you saying i was keeping jj company?
I think he thinks i'm weird,
Because i am.
But more so because i was really weird
On that night. ohhh well. :D
We're still friends, don't ever forget it!
We are gonna stay friends for a long time,
And hang out all the time this summer!

EP/JA....happy one year today! :)

~<3~ I love you, just so you know. ;)

HM...i don't think you'd read this.
But love isn't suppose to be like that.
Talking helps.
Then again, right now, im talking to myself. ;)

AP TEST IN **9** DAYS!
I plan on reading the last chapter tonight!
THEN STUDYING!!!!!!!!!! :)
Have a nice day, all!

Lampshades

Are nice. :P
I guess amber's doing good.
Which is aweosme.
BUT...problem...
THE AP TEST IS TWO WEEKS FROM YESTERDAY!
After this weekend...i shall have no more
Social life until may 7. (test day, but a friday.)
I've always realllly wanted to take the test.
It's what i've been working for for a long time.
But..it's $86.
There are no scholorships this year.
I mean, if i do good, i get college credit.
But do i need the credit for college if i'm
Not going into history?
I think i should pay for some, it's cruel
To make my parents pay fully for something
I will prolly fail at. :(
And...i don't want to fail,
But i'd hurt a lot more if i
Didn't take it.

Taking it isn't even a question.
Studying is what i have to be doing CONSTANTLY
Now.

So see you all in two weeks! :P

And wish me luck, please. <3

PS

I'm a little lackin'
On posts this month.
Sorry lol.
I'm just OOOOOOOOBER busy.

Tis legit. :P

BUT i'm always up for haning out.
Just let me know you want to really.
Then it'll be funions.

And btw....i miss bowling.
Did i say i now have 3 balls?
Imma big boy now! ;)


ps though, i've come to realize that my
posts are EXTREEMLY hard to read.
And i wrote them! hahaha.
Sorry for the bad grammar and sentenes
That don't make sense that are broken up
In all the wrong places. :D

In my favor

Ha.
I don't know how to feel...
Yeah.
You ever have a horrible memory
You can't stop playing
Over and
Over and
Over and
Over in your head?
I got that.
Each time, it scares me more.
Whatever.

Life is swell.
Girl #2 is dating MLM again. :P
Even though he's going to Afganistan in
Like, 2 months.
I don't really care.
#1, i don't hate her.

Litterally, this time it's true.
I see her and talk about her and...

Nothing. :D


Otherwise...i'm fine.
Excited for Cj's bonfire saturday. XP

And i can't WAIT for
May 8th.
The day when the AP test is OVER.

I may just...take a nap that day.
*GASP*

lol....................
But boy to i hate biology homework! ;)

Can you guess?

Exactly what i'm going to say?
Amber Drilling.
I *knew* her.
More than almost anyone else.
Yeah, she had few friends.

(8:05 a.m.)
Update from yesterday morning:

"Amber is stabilized, but she is not out of the woods yet. She was
t-boned by an SUV on the driver's side of her car as she pulled off 10th
Street SW onto Highway 3.
Her pelvis was shattered, ribs were broken, and she suffered head
injuries as well. The head injuries, originally thought to be the
worst, were not as bad as originally thought. However, her broken bones
sliced her spleen in half and caused multiple other internal injuries,
primarily ripping her aorta. 90% of people die at the scene of ripped
aortas, and 50% of those who make it to the hospital do not survive.
Amber has survived the surgeries from last night to repair her aorta and
the other vitals that the surgeons could get to, so she is in a 5%
survival group. Because her body is still so distended from the trauma,
the surgeons have not yet closed her up from last night".

She's now made it out of 6 sugeries, and had a 95% torn aorta.
She pulled out behind someone who was lucky to have made the turn.
The sun was in her eyes.
No one knows why she went.
I miss her.
But it hasn't hit me yet.

People who only care about her now
Won't care when she's back next year.
They never knew she existed.
Look around your effing school, please.




And CJ...
I miss you.
I have 2 tests tomorrow,
An essay due,
And 3 worksheets.

Life's busy.
lets hang out sometime! <3

I suppose i should say i'm sorry...

[Also posted on Facebook]
To two people.
I won't say who.
They don't even know.
Will they ever?
I have no idea.
This is it.
This is me getting over it.
I...detested two people.
They didn't know.
It made me a scary person to be around.
Now today, sitting in study hall, i realized:

I'm a horrible person

I don't know quite what i should do with myself right now.

The one girl.
The one i had ongoing hate for
For a long time.
About a year now.
I've talked to her ONCE.
In my life.
When i was in 8th grade.
At the uni dome sitting with the
High school band.
That was it.
I liked her from that day.
Honestly, she was [and still is] adorable.
I wish i could be friends with her,
But people tell me it is impossible.
So i continue to hate.
I always say i will try to be her friend..
But then i see her and this unexplained hate
Builds up inside of me.
Oh well...soon it will be over.
I think she hated me first.
But i won't judge.
The matter isn't that important,
It was a mutal matter for our hate.
I just wish things could be different...

The other girl...
A recent yet unexplained hate.
She....didn't like me for hanging out with someone.
It sounds worse when i can't say who or what.
I think.
So i decided to hate her for thinking i was in the wrong.
What gives her the right?
No, what gives ME the right?
Let's back up.
Girl #2-
She and i shared an evening of fun.
And a silly bathroom story.
I never talked to her after that
Night with our friends.
Except for once or twice.
I liked her.
She even once said she considered me a
Friend.
Wow, and now i hate her?
But, we were never close.
So the point is...i feel bad.
Mostly for #2.
She and i still could be friends,
If i quit being a betch.
It's the truth...

I wish nothing would have happened.
They were both caused by one thing
That i'm not backing down on.
This is a crappy apology,
But more than that,
It's me trying to help the
Monster within me,
That many of you have heard of
Or seen or felt the rath of,
Dying.

I never used to be a bad person...
I promise.
But...i don't want to call
People who aren't
Actualy 'whores' whores anymore.
People who aren't nice to me names anymore.
I use to fight people for casually calling
People they didn't like bad names.
Now i've become that person.
I don't want to use hate either.
It's too strong.
I know i'll slip up.
I know i'll be the same person...
I'm just sorry i am who i am and
I'm seriously hating myself now.

I wrongfully called out girl #2.
I overheard a conversation about her
In study hall.
I heard the truth.
And...i was wrong.
I feel bad.
I don't like this.
I wish it were a playground,
And we could make-up
By letting you go first down the slide
Or by me pushing you on the swings.
It's not.
My life will forever change.
I've become a so-to-speak
"Mean Girl".

And if i could, i'd say sorry.
But why?
I'll only be mean again.
And i know it's terrible,
But it's me.
I can't change,
But i feel so bad.
It hurts.
This anger just by seeing a
PICTURE of #1.



And slowly, this moster
Will devour me whole.
And it will be a sad day.
For me.
And the rest of you will go on
With your lives.
I ache for peace.
But i appear to be controlled
By an inner deamon.
And no, i'm not blaming any ONE
Or any THING.
Just myself.

That is all.

3 letter words

For the word
Man
Boy
Guy
Him
Why are there so many?
Hahaha.

So...happy easter ya'll!

I really hate that spring break is over.
I had soo many plans to do homework
Or to hang out with friends
And i didn't do any of it! :(

Well.......see you all tomorrow at school.

April Fools?

<3 summer.
Let's hang out, anybody? >.< Since there was no school today...
This day snuck up on me.
AKA i woke up, turned my phone on,
And realized.
"Frick, it's April Fools and i havne't done anything"
Nor will i do aynything. lol. ;)

Last night when i got home my mother had OPENED A WINDOW!
So i ran to my room and threw mine open. :)
And when i woke up at 4 in the morning and couldn't sleep,
So i flipped position on my bed, [head where feet were]
And layed beside the window.
The slight but cool breeze was amazing.

I love spring.
I <3 summer.
Let's hang out sometime? X)

Humb-a-dumb-bu-dumb

Last week was surreal. if that's even spelled right.
It feels like it went by so fast. yet so slow.
I didn't do much last week.
And now my sister is gone to NY.
And i'm a little bored.
But it's ok.

Lifes pretty good.
I slept in this morning for the first time in almost 5 weeks.
And i'm NOT doing AP history right now..
Which is usually what i do on sunday nights.
I haven't touched that book in a few days.
It feels good. :)

I'm excited for break. :D

I Have

Rainbow fingernails this week.

Everyone is getting better.
I still hate seeing the people who
Didn't know him write on his poster
Or get sad or say they're going to the funeral.
Now the school cancelled school after 2nd period tomorrow.
Does this mean we have to make up another day?
Ok, that's a mean thought.
I think it's good the school is doing this.
I guess.
I mean...i wans't planning on going.
And i'm still not.
But we're being let out of school to go.
But it will be packed...
I don't really want to go.
It'd be weird, watching people cry over
Someone i never even met.

I don't know...
But...ajz is home this weekend.
Goes back mon/tues/wed
And then has easter break...
SO...

idk

<3

Um...

I didn't know Josh.
I thought i knew or had seen
All the seniors but...
I've never even seen this kid.
Alex was in my spanish class last year.
Cole...i've 'known' him since 6th grade.
He's reckelss...and he's fine.
The kid i never met is dead.
The kid in my spanish class
Could go to jail for 10+ years.
He had neck injuries too, and was
Airlifted to Iowa City.
I know it sounds mean, but i hope
This changes the one who was fine.
*He wore his seat belt*
Thank goodness.
We just had an assembly on that.
He shouldn't be so reckless now.
I hope this changes everyone.
Everyone at school has their own story
Of what happened, and what will.
I just hate the the freshmen,
Who don't know them,
Are crying. i mean BALLING.
It's dumb.
Duh, you didn't know them!

But otherwise...
The rumor can't be true.
Ajz said he could never cheat on me
Because he'd feel to bad.

I think today was controversial.
We've lost a lot of school days
But i didn't do much in any of my classes.....

Idk.

Two Encounters

Today...right before 6th period...
I was walking down the stairs...
And i veered a little left.
And *almost* hit _ _ _ _ _
Whatever. i brushed it off.
Well after school
I had to stay to do something
I missed yesterday.
And as i walked down those same stairs
I saw that in the hallway
Behind those doors,
Lurked _ _ _ _ _, her loyal BFF,
And a girl who graduated last year
Who ajz is friends with.
I got scared.
I ran back up the stairs.
"What am i doing?"
So i went down them.
And walked past them.
They stopped their conversations
Upon sight of me.
Where they talking about me?
The girl who graduated last year,
Said hi.
Now, she doesn't talk to me.
She's really outgoing,
And pretty opinionated.
I barely squeek out a 'hey' reply.
They continue to stare.
IN SILENCE.
I walk with squared shoulders
And my tummy sucked in.
I turn the corner.


They bust out laughing.
I want to cry.
Again.

Hmmm

Today on the history trip...
I had fun.
I think that's it.
I learned a lot.
Now i'm off to go read some history...
Lol i'm kinda behind in that class...
And the test is tuesday! X)

Well

I haven't been posting much this month. sorry. :P
I feel left out...
Hearing everyone who had fun at speech...
I'm glad i didn't do it because:
1) i don't have time for speech &
2) i'm never any fun when i hang around people anyway.
But anywho.
Today at lunch i learned that
_ _ _ _ _ might not hate me.
She may have thought i hated her.
That's why.
It makes sense. :D
Also...appearently there is a rumor
That ajz is cheating on me quesitonmark?
Everyone is just dumb.
Whatever.
Imma be gone all tomorrow!
AP FIELD TRIP! <3

Cuz

I just haven't met you yet!
This songs been in my head all day long.
Except..i have met 'you' [him] yet [already]
lol.......
i'm so busy....
btw...
yeah..
it sucks.
major DD.
anywhoodles...
ttyl
~

Whoops...

So..
Last month was an october month.
Lol aka only 7 posts. :P
Well...i'm also starting off
This month kinda late... [that's what she said]
Hahaha. i'm tired...
Andrew was home all last week
And left today...
I didn't cry this time...it wasn't sad.
We'd spent a week+ together...a lONG time...
And i watched him bowl today in a tourny
And it was fun. :)
Then he got a new car (his parent's old one)
And it was cool.
I don't have much to say.
Lately.
IDK....i too feel lonely alot... ( ~<3~ )
And...it doesn't matter i guess...i'm tired.
And in love...
And tired. :P
And tired of having to do AP homework all the time...
Goodnight! zzzzzz

ONE YEAR.

Yesterday was
ONE WHOLE YEAR.
Between 7th and 8th period
On Thursday, February 26, 2009,
I was giving him a good-bye hug,
And he asked me out. :)

I said sure.
"Sure? What do you mean sure?"
"I mean yes!"

<3 <3 <3 <3 <3 <3 <3 <3 <3 <3 <3 <3

One year, 12 months, 356 days,
No matter how you say it, it means:
I Love You. <3

Excitement...

So..
I'm really excited for wed/thursday.
It seems so real...
We're in last place, and the boys are
Close to the bottom too. :P
We have a chance lol....
If we all do our best.
But it's gonna be F-U-N!!!
I...can't wait.
For State Bowling...
Hotel room floors..
Junk food,
Shopping? lol...
Game center!
...And..
INTEST BOWLING
Where we can get kicked out
For anything and everything we do. :P

I'm Back.

:)
CJ came over last night.
We made quesadillas (Probably spelled wrong..)
And watched the newest harry potter movie before
Crashing. :)
But...i think she cheats at Connect 4....BTW.
:P
It was fun.

I'M SO EXCITED FOR WED/THUR!!!!!!!!! <3

...Hmm...

So...
I usually post
Around 8 times a month.
This month i've done a lot less.
These next few days i'll be busy with that!
X) except for october..stupid seven posts!
Haha...last night i had a LOT of fun with CJ
Idk if i wanna hang out tonight..
I'm so tired!
But i'm really happy!
Today was sub state for bowling!
We were ahead by 42 after inividuals..
And i was only 24 behind this one chick
Or else i would have made it to
State in idividuals....next year i guess...
I got 168 and 137. my second game was low. :(
But in baker it was SOO close, but in the end...
WE WON BY 32 PINS OVER COLUMBUS!!!!
And the boys...well....
AGWSR complained the a wsr boy intentionally
Stepped on the foul line...wich buzzes...when
An AGWSR boy was bowling and he missed his spare.
And if you intentionally step on the foul line
Your entire frame will be erased.
And if we would have had to erase the frame..
AGWSR would have won bt ONE pin.
But the wsr boy said he didn't do it on purpose
Because he got mad, stamped his foot, and it went off
After all the pins were down.
SO BOYS AND GIRLS ARE GOING TO STATE!
This is the first time the girls have gone to state!
OHMYGOODNESSGRACIOUS! :DDDDDD

I'll be posting soon....almost everyday now
Because i get to miss school
ON WEDNESDAY AND THURSDAY FOR STATE!
GAAAAAAAAHHH!!!!!!! I'm so happy! :D
And as ~<3~ said....how are you? <3

Why'd it bother me?

So the other day TWIN
Asked my my blog address
Via Facebook so i gave it to him.
Well i guess AJZ found it
And i was all
"NOOOO YOU CAN'T READ IT"
And i don't know why i flipped out on him lol.

And i guess i don't know why i post
Half the crap i do.....
And i never have time anymore either....
Ohhh welll.....

And i guess he's coming home this weekend.
I'm kinda sad because tomorrow night i
Won't be bowling...It's seniors night.
So they're varsity.
And i know i seem cocky to say it,
But i'm good now and i've been varsity for
A few weeks and i am a cocky little shit,
Like destinee said. :P

I Cried.

So yeah. it happened. Again.
He got home friday and went to my meet
And then when we got home we went to
My house and made supper
And watched dirty dancing.
Then he left and i went to bed.
Saturday was state large group speech.
I went and got on the bus at
SIX IN THE FRACKEN MORNING lol
And did well even though we were
20 minutes behind. :(
And we did good.
Straight "I" ratings.
And so did most waverly people
Though i'll be mad if the freshmen
Make it to state and we don't. >:(
Anywho then i came home with my mom and
Hung out with ajz some more.
Went to Wally World and got pizza.
Then he had bowling league.
Where i watched him get mad but at least
My coaches were there and talked to me.
I guess it feels more like they're just
Older friends that coaches. i did invite them
To make supper with ajz and i on friday...
They thought it was weird...
It was more of a joke lol. ;)
Any anywho sunday i hung out with him and we went bowling
And i got an 86 because i couldn't through it down the
Fricken lane. :((
Then i got a 95 because i was all pissy.
So he told me to make it a good game.

I got 4 strikes in a row.
MY FIRST FOUR BAGGER! AHH! AND MY FIRST TURKEY!
then a could of split or spare frames and then
ANOTHER TURKEY! (which is three)
I got 7 strikes in a game!
Ending up with: 212. :DDDDDD

Then we went to sub city and to his house
Then to mine, and my parents left for a super bowl party.
So we made food again, and watched it.
But....i started crying around 7.
I had a lot of homework i still had to do
On Sunday night and...it was bad.
Plus i knew he would be leaving then.
And i usually cry when he leaves. :(
But he made it all better and we did my homework
Together and it was nice.
Then when the Colts lost
With 10 minutes left in the super bowl
We went to town to get some DQ.
The roads were bad and it wasn't a smart idea
But it was very fun.
And by that point, i had really stopped crying.
He left and i went to bed.
Happy to know he really truly
Does in fact, Love me that much. :)
He was really really happy when i got the 212
Game too...there are no doubts in my mind right now.
And i don't think there should be, either. <3

Its almost been a year.
Through the ups and downs, its been a great time. :)

FEBRUARY!

So.
I wrote down 26
Memories of AJZ and i.
And on the 26 is our one year.
So i mailed off the first week
And i'm still working on the second
But he's gonna be home this weekend
At least...though i'll get to see him
For only a couple of hours. :(
Because friday i have a meet and it isn't a home one.
And Saturday i have speech
And i don't wanna ask to leave early
Because Hanfelt would get mad agian.
And i don't want that.
But i want to leave and see Him...
Because he's having a tough time right now.
So yeah...thats why i'm mad a lot. =\
Thats all....i don't wanna go to speech all day.
It just isn't fun this year....IDK...

11...ish

So hahaha.
Elizajoe is two months and two days behind us. :)
But on the 26 was our 11...it was good. i guess.
Talked on the phone....for 3 hours...
But lately...idk.
I love him, don't get me wrong, but...
ok 1) i always say 'we've never fought'
But he thinks we have.
I mean...we've had disagreements but
NEVER yelling or getting mad.
Maybe irritated...embarassed....
Slightly mad at but i don't think we'ce
*Fought*. but oh well. it isn't a big deal.
We aren't perfect, i get it.
And the other night, i was being dumb.
I was talking about going to B.Nelson's house...
It's our 'one year anniversary of being engagged'
Last year i proposed to her lol.
So he's all jokingly 'you're cheating on me.'
And i said i could, being a dork.
He said name 5 people from WSR i could.
Being the dork i am, i named 4.
...He said he had one that i knew he could.
**silence**
I was joking but he went there.
_ _ _ _ _.

But we talk every night.
And he's working out now.
He's soo good to me.
Trust me.
Winter time makes me doubt everything.
I like being cold so...it blackens my soul lol.
But...eleven months...
Wow. i'm so in love, it doesn't even matter.
You all jsut hear the worst, i complain here.
So sorry BUT...I love him and that is all. :)
And it's almost a year and...My life is busy but...
<3 <3 <3 <3 <3 <3 <3 <3 <3 <3 <3
Ps: Bowling meet tomorrow @ 4 at home Vs. Marion. :) comes?